250th post! I question why I blog at all?

The motivation behind this post is based on a conversation I had on Friday.  A really good friend from 2006-2008 also has a blog.  She asked if I still read her posts? When I replied, “Yes,” she said I never commented anymore, so she was unsure.  I explained I had little to comment on as she is now married, has two kids, and runs about as little as I do.  We no longer have as much in common, but I like to stay up-to-date.  She said she posts much less now with Facebook, which I quit using last July. 

I thought of my own blog.  I started this blog in 2007 with three posts that year.  Tonight would be the 250^th post!  That means I average one post every two weeks.  I thought I had posted more frequently, then realized that, between 2011 and 2013, I had 33 posts or once every 5 weeks.  I had two surgeries and a significant bicycle crash, with a concussion, in 2011.  My high post years were 73 in 2008 and 62 in 2009.

So, in this time of self-indulging thought, I looked back at what I wrote two years ago when I questioned, “Why continue with this bog.”  I wrote:

• “Bloggers have scant opportunity to collect our thoughts, to wait until events have settled and a clear pattern emerges.  We write about ourselves at a relatively fixed point in this constant interaction with the ideas and facts of the exterior world.  In this sense, the historical form closest to blogs is the diary. But with this difference, a diary is almost always a private matter. Its raw honesty, dedication to marking life as it happens, and remembering life as it was make it a terrestrial log. A few diaries are meant to be read by others, just as correspondence could be—but usually posthumously or as a way to compile facts for a more considered autobiographical rendering. But a blog, unlike a diary, is instantly public. It transforms this most personal and retrospective form into a painfully public and immediate one. It combines the confessional genre with the log form and exposes the author in a manner no author has ever been exposed.”

That being said, I do not blog for others.  If they share my ride, that is a nice byproduct of documenting my thoughts, including many fears and a few joys.  I may be very depressed in the writing or have some excitement.  Through this writing, I become my own Psychologist.  I sort out my complex and frustrating life.  It helps make my crazy seem a little normal.  It gives me purpose and provides a positive emotional feeling.  So, unlike a diary, I find the accountability and the internal mental health of knowing it public is medicine I could not purchase. I will continue past 250 posts; they may become more interesting and allow others to share the ride.

One great thought: Winter is gone! Riding my bike to work will become regular, provided I stay healthy. There are so many benefits beyond financial.

Carry on, my friends, carry on…

Dedication a good thing?

At one time, about six years ago, I would get to the point where, on Sunday afternoons, I started to think about Monday being only a day away.   This was after having a wonderful Saturday of enjoying the outdoors and not thinking of work.  I enjoyed the weekend as a way of breaking up the weeks.  The office had a total staff of nine professional staff and two administrative staff.  Then, the economy turned, and slowly, people left their positions.  As the economy turned, we only had a few reasons to stay fully staffed. 

Then, in 2012, we could return to seven staff and two administrative positions. Overall, we were in two positions (almost 20% less) than when things were in full swing in 2006. In 2013, the economy started flying, and the workload was higher than ever. We had three long-term staff leave after 2010, and we filled the positions with new talented professionals who needed significant training. As a result, I started working weekends. 

I would track my working hours and divide it by the number of weeks.  If I took a vacation week, I would have zero hours worked but still put that week as one when dividing the total.  In 2012, my average workweek was just over 74 hours, although that included my tennis work.  In 2013, I no longer completed tennis work; the average decreased to 60 hours a week.  In 2014, I managed to get that to 55 hours a week.  So far, in 2015, my average is 53 hours a week.  Recall, this is the actual average of hours per week, regardless if I was on vacation.  I have taken 6 days of vacation so far this year for surgery and one for heart-related issues.

In 2013, I started working every other weekend.  I lost track of the days of the week.  I no longer felt stressed when the weekend ended, as it never started.  In 2014, I had 19 of 104 Saturdays and Sundays off.  This sounds crazy and embarrassing to admit.   What good is that high-paying job if it is killing me from within?  What do I mean?

Even if I hate my job, I remind myself that many are happy I get the job done!  

My job is a constant warrior fighting against my desires.   My mind is in prison on the job.  Is employee development a lost art, and robot training is the norm?  Employers care less and less about your personal growth and concerns.  Employers want to put their best foot forward to get you in the door and sometimes will even stretch the truth a little.  Then we found there was too much “real work” to be done, and the only time available to work on projects I enjoyed was on my own time.

My employer means well, but they must improve by throttling the workload for an understaffed team.  They have yet to learn what we accomplish every day.  Then, there are the dreaded closed-door sessions to which only the top brass are invited—top brass appearing to keep secrets.

Today, a very vital part of my team resigned.  I dread this and anticipate I will soon be back to 72-hour (or more) weeks.  I already feel half-dead and worn from several years of high stress and higher-than-possible expectations.  I am not sure what to do, but I have been able to finish 30 consecutive Grandma’s Marathons because I do not quit.  People say that attitude will kill me.  For the first time in my life, I believe this may be true, but I am too stubborn and stupid to think any differently.  Is any job or self-pride in a job worth it?  I am unsure, but we are so pushed beyond the limits I do not have time to think about it.  Can a job really kill me?

Carry on my friends…  Carry on…

Must start somewhere

In a previous post, I explained that at age 15, I was 5 feet 9 inches and weighed about 280 pounds.  I went on to describe my less-than-kind childhood.  I now tip the scale at 309 pounds.  That is fat!!!   I am again tired of being fat.  I have had enough!   I need to start the journey I did in 2006 (when I was 44).  I was on a journey and successfully lost 100 pounds.  I need to do this again!

Fitness and weight loss are always goals people discuss.  We make New Year’s resolutions, watch shows like The Biggest Loser, buy vitamins advertised as available at GNC, and see Weight Watchers commercials.  Everywhere I look, there are suggestions of what I should look like and do.  Yet year after year, Americans are getting fatter and less healthy.

One of the biggest problems and barriers to success is time.  I am busy and highly stressed at work.  I rush to work long days at the office (an average of 55 hours a week) and rush (slowly) in rush hour traffic to get home.  I struggle to do all that I need to and want to, but I always need more time in the day to get it all done.  Exercise plans get pushed off a few weeks into the next month.  

I need to make living a healthy life a priority!  

Here are my thoughts:

1. I did not get fat overnight.  I cannot get fit overnight.
2. I have no trainer or support staff.  I am working a full-time job and living an everyday life.
3. Changing my diet to a healthy eating lifestyle will do a lot for me.
4. I will exercise with both weights and cardio activities.
5. I plan to help others through this account of my struggles and successes.

I plan to track my progress with occasional blog updates.  I am not a fitness expert, but I don’t need to be.  I just need to be motivated.  I also was able to pick up another gimmick to waste more time.  Amazon had the Garmin Vivo Fit 2 on sale for $59, so I bit.  It will be here on Tuesday.

I will close with a photo that could be better, but it was my first effort with my new 150-600 mm lens. I have been improving my bird or similar photography. I must be proactive and watch to ensure my healthy activities come first.

Carry on, my friends.

Wait weight, don't kill me

Weight has always been a struggle for me. Growing up, I was "the fat one." Kids made fun of my body shape. At age 15, I was 5 feet 9 inches and weighed about 280 pounds. 37 years later, I fully understand that I can watch diligently what I eat, but I have a tough time losing weight! I just conceded being "the fat one." While I try to understand, I assume I never will.

I have had a metabolism issue for the last quarter of a century. What is that? Metabolism is the body's chemical process of transforming food into fuel that keeps us alive. Nutrition (food) consists of proteins, carbohydrates, and fats. Digestive enzymes break down these substances and then carry them to the cells for fuel. Your body uses these substances immediately or stores them in the liver, body fat, and muscle tissues for later use.

 So, what happens to my metabolism if I have too much or too little of the essential substances I need to stay healthy? I found I am sensitive to metabolism errors.  The body must have amino acids and many types of proteins to perform its functions. For example, the brain needs calcium, potassium, and sodium to generate electrical impulses and lipids (fats and oils) to maintain a healthy nervous system. 

Metabolic disorders can result from a missing enzyme or vitamin that is necessary for a significant chemical reaction, abnormal chemical reactions, disease in the liver, pancreas, endocrine glands, or other organs, or just a fundamental nutritional deficiency.

Have I caused the issue from stupidity? I know I can develop a metabolic disorder if specific organs (for instance, the pancreas or the liver) stop functioning correctly.  I know I have had minor issues, and the only issue I have now is the heart.  My sister and I have similar problems, but no others in the family have the same issues.  So, I discount anything genetic.

I have often wondered if it is Diabetes, which is the most common metabolic concern.  I have regularly checked my glucose levels, and I have been under 100 for several years.  Before I knew of the potential issue, I had a high of 106, which is still not an alarming level of work to keep it under 100.   Although always in the high 90's, it should not be a concern.

I am still baffled, and I am thinking of it even more as my weight is near my lifetime high, over 300 pounds. I need to get this under control. At least I have a start; I realize the problem. Now, the hard part: finding a solution?

Carry on, my friends...

Can gratitude calm my nerves and make me more effective?

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues but the parent of all others.” ~Cicero

I have been told that being grateful or practicing gratitude has many benefits, including improving health, relationships, careers, sleep, and self-esteem. I recently read scientific studies that support positive thoughts’ impact on the brain.

I recall a great friend, Steve Wilkinson, who emphasized this in tennis and life.  He would say gratitude in a match calms the nerves and mind.  As an avid tennis player in my youth, I struggled to play up to my ability in tournament match play. I was constantly over-thinking, too cautious, and too tight during matches.  I first met Steve in the early 80s when I attended a Tennis and Life Camp.  He could see how I was such an emotional mess I was playing with anger, not gratitude.  He stated this would create walls in all I do in life.  I never really applied all he taught me until the past few years when I realized my cardiac issues mean I am no longer living forever.

He often preached to me that I never have anything to lose.  Upon reflection, what applies to sports and performance applies equally to most life experiences.  I have been told there is a powerful synergy between gratitude, calmness, and serenity.

I had the opportunity to prove this theory in an entirely different setting—a legal situation. In 2012, I had to be deposed in a matter related to my work. While waiting, I was nervous as I repeatedly rehearsed what I would say.

Then, an amazing thing happened. I reminded myself to be grateful—yes, grateful. Specifically, I was thankful that I had the opportunity to tell the facts, to be heard, and to present my side of the story.  Something I was clearly unable to do until that day.  Before this day, I was filled with accusations from all sides, including those who were supposed to support me.  I expressed gratitude for living in a country where all could seek justice without many constraints. My nerves immediately subsided with those thoughts, and I became very calm and grounded. 

A short while later, it was over, and it really made a difference in the outcome.  I began to believe being grateful for stressful situations stimulates the brain’s neurons and, in effect, re-wires the brain to produce a happier state of being.   But why did I believe this when I am over 50 years of age.

Here are my thoughts. They include:

• Gratitude towards others redirects focus from what is troubling or worrying me to what lifts our spirit. We shift from negative to positive thinking and energy.
• Gratitude towards others gives me a proper perspective of what’s at stake. 

Bottom line: There is no shortage of opportunities to test this powerful dynamic! I recently recognized this and used it at the office today. I was amazed at the outcome. Try it, and see what you think. I must remember the importance of all aspects of life, including gratitude that I have another day to spend with humans in a great land.

Carry on my friends…

Purpose?

As my girlfriend’s daughter turned a quarter of a century old yesterday, my son nearly 26 years old, and a new baby (my girlfriend’s grandchild) is now sharing her cuteness, I sit here and think, “What happens to our bodies as we age is no fun.” Depending on your lifestyle, things can really start falling apart physically after only 30 or 35. Next thing you know, you’re staring down the barrel of the Big Five. “Oh, No.”

I have been reading more than ever and even considered consulting some “experts” and people over 50 I admire. I wonder if it is possible to get into the best shape of one’s life after 50, and should I even try?

I read about Tony Horton, of P90X and 10-Minute Trainer fame, who is 57. He believes getting into the best shape of your life is possible if you’re over fifty, depending on your star. If you have spent much of your life being inactive, you can.  If you were an Olympic athlete, the answer is no.  

I know the logic and what I need to do, but I do not apply myself.  A recent study published in the American Journal of Medicine found that the higher your muscle mass index is, the more likely you’ll live longer!

My big issue is sustaining motivation and discipline.  I need to improve in several ways. 

• I lack purpose.  I feel anxious about life.  I wonder if I feel empty or disillusioned in a late midlife crisis.  I claim insufficient time for self-care or to discover a new direction.  I have been questioning my identity in my relationships. I crave direction and want to feel grounded again. I have anxiety, headaches, insomnia, low mood, and irritability.
• I have been searching for a map or compass to help guide me through to a clearing.  I can’t find it!
• In my professional life, I plan all day.  In my personal life, I can’t plan.  I really need to make an appointment and complete the meeting for health.
• I have no one to hold me accountable, which is a big issue. It is easy to improve when you have someone to hold you accountable and help you through the lows.
• I need to prioritize fitness, like eating, breathing, and sleeping.
• I need variety, as overworking the same muscles constantly is a prescription for injuries.  I don’t heal like we did when I was 25.
• I need to accept it will take longer to make muscle and to lose body fat.  Those who know me know I am not patient. 

All in all, I need to get my ass out of this slump.  I may seek outside help as I continue to fail on my own.  Just after 50, I am tired and unsure I want to work that hard, even when I know the benefits.

Looking back, this was all easier when I had that good friend to help me. Well, we helped each other along. I lost one friend through marriage. The other great friend died in 2006, and I am not sure I have ever recovered from that loss. Either way, I still need more motivation and purpose. May my search result in success? I know one thing for sure: If I search long enough, it will surely show up!

Carry on my friends…

Heart to heart

I had a heart-to-heart talk with an old friend today.  The last time I saw him was shortly after his 17-year-old son committed suicide last summer.  He had worn so much the past year.  I could tell the hurt is something he still deals with each day.  He said it is a painful way to live when he gets up, gets home from work, and goes to bed.

As stated in the previous posts, I have been troubled about those who have taken their own life.  This is heavy on my mind as I met old friends, which happened again last week.  Another increase in the number of people I know who have experienced a loved one ending their own life. 

He was pushing the suicide subject into our conversation.  I think he is still searching for an answer?  He talked much about his son.  One statement he made really confused me.  I spent so much time thinking about that single statement.  It was, "Why is it when you have nothing to live for? You have so much inner strength, but when you have everything to live for, you want to die".  What did he mean?  Will I ever understand?

I did not ask him to explain, but I understood his meaning.  I recall when I was flat broke and needed to provide for my family.  I felt all I did in life was work, work again, care for my child, and sleep between activities.  I never once felt lonely and underappreciated.  My life is totally different, with very few responsibilities outside work and no issues with money.  Yet I feel such a void with a lack of purpose.  If that's what he means, I understand.

On a positive note, my girlfriend, who had to put her beloved dog down in November, has decided to get a new puppy.  A purebred Golden Retriever from Rolling Oaks Goldens.  We went to do a visit today in preparation for picking up the puppy on April 17.     Pictures below:

In addition to seeing the puppies, I learned of a powerful human being, a mother.  She has had her share of twists and turns, yet continues with a positive spirit.  She wrote a book.  It is about a two-fold story of her life, the trials of tragedy, the joys of love and family, the strengthening of faith, and how all of that prepared her for the gift of Amy, her youngest daughter of 6, who has Down syndrome. The story is meant to encourage mothers, family, and friends of special needs people. It has a Christian perspective theme throughout the entire work.   It is called "Chosen For This Gift: My Story of Hope, Survival and Raising a Child with Special Needs." Consider it a book to read.  Very heartfelt, and you will certainly feel her pain and unique way of finding joy, even when giving up seems like the only choice. 

Hopefully, I will get a copy of the book signed by my friend.  In a time of confusion, anything this good should help, even if there are no answers for suicide anywhere.

Carry on, my friends...

Bike ride, another death and children

The weather is getting better.  I did ride my bike to work four days and could have a few more, although the wind was over 20 MPH, and I opted to drive.  The weather next week looks better.

For Christmas, I was given BarMitts for my road bike. I loved them in the morning, as I could ride with fingerless gloves. The hands provided the most incredible warmth on my body (besides the obvious location, the crotch). I only wish they were easy to remove for the ride home when they are not needed.

Been another tough few weeks.  Last week, I left a meeting and was told my co-worker had rushed off as her brother had just died unexpectedly.  Then I discovered my boss's father has cancer and is fighting for his life.  Then, on April 1, I was told that a very good friend's son had died.  I was really disgusted at such a cruel April Fools joke.  Then I found out it was true and it was not an accident.  I will never understand!

Thursday, I was walking at lunch with a 56-year-old friend who I knew had really been in a depressed state of being.  I thought it was just the deaths we experienced the past few months, with several suicides and just as many unexpected accidental deaths.  Between us, we now have personally experienced 16 deaths in the past 15 months, with 7 of those being under the age of 25.  However, after 10 minutes, she told me about her issues with her daughter.  I was surprised; I knew what she had done and would not expect issues.

I knew she needed to talk, so we quit walking and sat on the park bench next to the creek. I did not have an afternoon meeting, so I was prepared for a long lunch break and then working late to make up the time. She proceeded to tell me the issues she was having with her daughter. 

A little background, I have known her daughter for 18 years.  She raised her as a single mom, as the father left them when she was about a year old.  I have seen her sacrifices, working three jobs, and crying during challenging times when her daughter started to stay.  She was able to pull her back, but not without impacting her relationship and health.  She was there for all her daughters' life events.  She made sure her daughter went to college and succeed.  After college, her daughter moved to New Mexico to take a great job.  She would travel to see her daughter 5-6 times a year, and her daughter came home a few times.

I reminded her that she was raised financially on her own as a sole parent, a strong and independent woman. I reminded her that she should be proud of how her difficult few decades of life may have sapped her energy, but she has an independent and successful child. I reminded her that she did this without child support or public assistance.

She is very proud!  What I did not know until this day is that two years ago, her daughter searched for and found her father.  Since that date, her daughter has taken a lot of energy to meet her father and gain a relationship she never had before.  Her father was married and had one stepdaughter.  He was successful and traveled.  He was not worn out like my friend.  Like my friend, he was fun to be with and did not get his life zapped from years of hard work.

Most recently, my friend was planning her normal Easter trip to see her daughter. Her daughter asked her not to come as she was going to Boston to be with her father over the Easter Holiday. She said her daughter sees her less and less, only returns an occasional text message, and answers fewer than half the phone calls. They once spoke at least every three days, and now, it may be a week or more.

She said the last time she visited her daughter, in early February, they were out sightseeing when the deadbeat who ran out on them called. Her daughter excused herself and went on her own way for about 40 minutes to talk with her father. She was mad, and they argued, which only made matters worse.

She started to cry, saying she gave so much energy to raising her daughter, and she was physically and emotionally worn out.  She felt it was unfair for her daughter to brush her aside for something new and fun.  She felt her daughter was selfish and lacked respect and care for all she sacrificed.  I thought she was suicidal at that point and was not sure what to say.

I told her that people are strange and emotions are even more complex.  I reminded her that she no longer has any control and that they are different because people in their 20s want something new and exciting, not old and regular.  I reminded her that kids are no different than other people, often more selfish and less understanding, just as we were at that age.  I suggested she see someone to help sort out what she views as losing a child; only hers is still alive.  That is unlike that of my good friend whose 19-year-old son took his own life on March 31.

I just did not know what else to say, and that is not typical for a strongly opinionated man like me. I am at a loss for words. I did tell her that kids are just free-spirited souls who are now tired like us.  

I told her of how my own son called me about flying to the West Coast to get together for a weekend April 30- May 2) after his birthday.  I told him I would look for options and needed to get away from the 60-hour work weeks.  I told him I was getting worn out!  I found an excellent flight to Portland and tried to text and call for the next two days, but he did not answer.  Then he called when I was heading into a meeting, and we could not talk.  The next day, I got a quick call to say he had other plans.  

I had already arranged the time off and was waiting to purchase the ticket, but something changed. As with her, I felt bad but also knew I had no control. He is much like I was in my 20s: little care for others who could not keep up with my energy, little time for the parents, and very independent. 

However, I do know that we as humans always regret things after someone has passed, but we seem to minimize the opportunity to be with someone when they are right in front of us.  I know a friend whose father committed suicide last year, and he is missed.  But I often wonder how much he was missed before he was gone?

Carry on, my friends, carry on!