Well, it's been a while!
I have had five bike commutes so far this year, which is 180 miles. That's not bad, as we have not made it to May yet. I have a little friendly competition with a coworker. I have 36 miles round trip, and he has 24 miles. We are seeing who can get more commute miles this year. Of course, I am slightly under twice his age, so I should get a handicap, but I will go head-to-head.
I did get out to take some pictures a few weeks ago. I was also in Golden, Colorado, helping my son set up his new place. Here are a few pictures.
A close friend who just turned 50 recently asked me how I would feel if my grown child told me that I eat too loud,
need to quit eating as much, most of my views are foolish, your diet is
terrible, or that you manage your money wrong. My answer was that is the way mid-20s kids are about their
parents; if you understand the fact, life is easier. They only show overall
respect if they have a need. We continued to have a deep conversation.
In my opinion, after lavishing and encouraging your kids while they were growing up,
it can be annoying and hurtful to have them turn around as adults and pick away
at your own behaviors and, yes, imperfections. Like they are perfect?
In
such circumstances, it's tempting to try to make your children feel guilty
(After all I've done for you, this is the thanks I get?)…or strike back with a
verbal barrage of your own (Stingy, am I? Well, you're just an overgrown brat
with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement)…or withdraw into hurt silence. I explained it is my opinion that those
reactions won't get you the respect or behavior change you want…and they could
wind up doing severe damage to your peace of mind and/or your relationship.
The
person replied, what would you do if an adult child gets overly critical and
disrespectful? Honestly, I do not
know. I would appraise
whether the criticism is justified. Because a child knows you well, they may
see traits in you that you have trouble recognizing in yourself? So when they
criticize you, instead of immediately dismissing his observation (and getting
hurt, defensive, or mad), consider whether there's a worthwhile lesson—and even
loving concern—behind the message.
But
that also made me think that the apple doesn't fall far: I suggested that they take a
clear-eyed look at whether you have unwittingly set a poor example by
constantly correcting your child's behavior. "Did you always nag your child
about cleaning her room and now point out the lax in housekeeping, even though
they are overwhelmed with work? Did you often have harsh words about your thier
girlfriend or boyfriend?
Then
I suggested they consider what's happening in the child's life. If your child
is being uncharacteristically unreasonable or unkind to you, chances are that
something is going wrong. After all, people tend to take out their frustrations
and tensions on their nearest and dearest. I know my children do, OFTEN, and in a way, they never would with strangers or acquaintances. It is because they know they will be loved (and tolerated) no matter
what.
I try to show empathy, but it is hard as it is hard to
understand. It creates stress and
issues. My friend said she eats
and has poor habits more and more each time her children ridicule and
disrespect her. She was recently upset that her daughter was furious when she did not return her call after
three hours, yet she may call her daughter and take days to get a reply if
there is one. I do not
understand why this is how 20-something acts, but I know firsthand how authentic
her experience is, not out of the ordinary.
The
only advice I could give is one I have tried to apply. That being to acknowledge my vulnerabilities. As we get older, our family roles
change. Where once I was the parent and in charge, now your child is on equal
adult footing—or is even taking over specific responsibilities. It's natural at
this stage to feel less confident about your abilities and more reliant on
approval and help from others…which is one reason why a grown child's criticism
may feel increasingly hurtful. If you've had thin skin all your life, you'll likely become even more
vulnerable to the hint that you're less than capable or adored for
whatever you say or do.
One
key thing a parent can't do is to expect respect. None of this is to say it's
OK for an adult child to be disrespectful or to purposely shame, ridicule,
embarrass, or humiliate you. But we can't withdraw into hurt silence. We need to find the courage to speak up! But that may exacerbate the issue? But
you must firmly declare, "I will not stand for being treated that way."
My
friend has a bigger issue that her partner is adding to the conflict. She said that at times, he acts as an enabler or a confederate when their grown child treats her disrespectfully. This escalates the conflict and imposes additional obstacles for her while she tries to establish a more respectful and fruitful relationship with her child.
When I left the conversation,
I was unsure I did more than confuse her. I know I confused her! The only sure thing I know is that it appears to be the
norm when speaking to parents of 20-somethings. There is a generation of self-centered
individuals who believe they are entitled and better than anyone other than
their peers. Who knows, maybe the
same was said about us when we were in our 20s, and we are too stubborn to admit it as well.
