I know I should watch my language on the public forum, although I am frustrated, exasperated, enraged, maddened, aggravated, bothered, perturbed, discouraged, annoyed, irritated, agitated, etc… I am starting my third Prednisone and Leviquin regimen in 5 months.
I hate these two drugs as they make my body feel like all my body fluids have been left at the last aid station. Prednisone I nickname “pregnant zone” as I gain weight like I am pregnant and not a thing I can do about it! I try hard to balance these issues but getting out of bed hurts as that damb Leviquin makes me feel worse than when I ran 77 miles of the Superior Hiking Trail. Well on a positive note, I do not have the blisters, just the body pain.
I have not even went into the “Why me” phase of this now 5 year on again off again battle. I often say “Why not me?” as I have insurance, a good job, I am 51 and my child is nearly 100% independent. I have the time and the energy (well not really the energy anymore) to go through the fight. I also have other dear friends who are far less fortunate than I. Just today I read the CaringBridge post of a dear friend who does not even have the option I have and she will not see her youngest graduate from high school. So I am from thinking why me, I often look at me and think, why them?
All in all this will be my 11th Prednisone round and 4th Leviquin round since 2009, that is beyond the IV push when I had surgery. If this does not work, it will be surgery again. This time exploratory as blood counts are OK, just have the constant recurring infection, which will not allow me to sleep unless I sit up, messes with my vision and gives me a headache with a much high pain level than I have ever felt in my life. My chest is so congested and my wheezing is terrible. Not sure how people are putting up with me? I try to be happy and pleasing, but I am really getting worn!
Been taking pictures a few weeks ago. It was at the Ice Cave on the north facing shore of Lake Superior. I find pictures help take the mind of other things. Here are a few pictures:
Music sure helps sooth the soul. I find my music taste is much more varied now. Many new favorites I think most of you have never heard. My son exposed me to Amos Lee and Rodrigo y Gabriela. I listen to Bella Ruse, Robert Earl Keen, Danny Gatton, RyCooder, Steel Magnolia, Marcia Ball, Mallary Hope, and so many others. Also still love the local scene with Mick Sterling, Pamela McNeil and of course the recent Home Free boys.
I have come to have a new appreciation of how music is really a great medicine for the soul. It can make us laugh, cry, run faster, smile… It is just like the things we eat, something’s make me feel better, others worse. Music is like food in many ways.
I know that I have traveled many roads. I often wonder “if I”, would I have the issues I face today. The human body is a strange and hard to understand bunch of living organisms that promote each other and feed on each other. I will never understand. I just wonder if this next round of medicine fails, should I just give up and see what the body can do for me. I am tired…
I always loved a quote from Julius Caesar:
“If a man was to know the end of this days business there it come, Would it suffice us that this day will end and the end be known. If we meet again, well then we will smile and if not, then this parting was well made.”
While I have long hoped to be back on the trails with many of you, my trail friends, I am not sure I will get there again. No regrets as I am glad I was part of the journey. I will hope to join you again but as of now I am losing hope. I am not a quitter, but this is really making my patience run thin!