Going through photo's

Tonight, I spent time going through my photo library. I am hoping to be very organized going into the 2015 photo season. I found a few I had forgotten about, but I was pleased with the outcome. They are below.

Burlington Vermont

Lake Superior

Near Mount Evans in Colorado at dusk

Woodstock, Vermont, shooting some black and white

Carry on, my friends...

On the seventh day, even God rested.

This evening, I watched Robin Williams's last film, " The Angriest Man in Brooklyn." It really hit me in many ways, especially since he died at the end. It reminded me of John Wayne succumbing to death in his last movie. However, one thing that struck me was the workaholic, irate man portrayed by Robin Williams.  I also know workaholics are generally angry old bastards no one cares about. Then, I recalled what my grandfather would say about my workaholic life.

On the seventh day, even God rested.

As a workaholic, the day of rest never comes.  I generally log nearly 60-hour weeks, then come home to more work.  There is always one more email to read, one more phone call to take, and one more critically important trip to the office that can't wait until Monday.  Weekends? Holidays? Family? As the uber-workaholic Ebenezer Scrooge put it, "Bah, humbug!"

I rarely go on vacation without my laptop or total electronic access. I answer emails at all hours and even return phone calls expecting to get a voicemail. It was 2:00 AM when I was at the office returning a call, and an architect who has a home office answered. We dealt with the questions!

I've often struggled with the evening and weekend issues, trying to figure out why I absolutely have to work. It is ingrained in me to the point of being a kind of addiction -- like going to the health club every day. If I miss one day, I feel awful.

Whether I'm reading a self-help book on how to be more productive or better manage my PDA while waiting in the deli line, checking email on my phone as soon as my date makes for the ladies' room, or heading back to my computer each commercial break, I'm continuously checking something. It's worsened because it hasn't let up, and I feel more compelled to be busy.

It is so easy to satisfy my cravings with cell phones, Pads, laptops, and WiFi, which ensure that work need never be out of reach.  Although blaming technology for my workaholism is like blaming the supermarket for food addiction or the corner liquor store for alcoholism.  The preoccupation with work is really at the core of workaholism. 

I think workaholism is remarkably similar to alcoholism.  Just as an alcoholic will hide bottles around the house and drink furtively, workaholics try to sneak into work when they think no one is looking.

Some clear signs of my issue include my trouble delegating work, neglecting other aspects of my life, and incorporating different aspects of life into work by trying to turn a hobby into a business.

While I know I should be the ideal employee—one who comes in early, stays late, doesn't take vacations, and takes on mountains of work—more often than not, I fail to handle the work effectively and become disorganized. I fail to recognize that I need the time off to recharge when my work performance is affected. 

I am afraid to take vacations because I fear that, with all the downsizing and the economy, I might not have a job when I return.

I fully understand workaholism has health consequences, including significantly higher work-related stress and job burn-out rates, anger, depression, anxiety, and psychosomatic symptoms such as stomachaches and headaches.  This past month, my stomach has been more painful than anytime I can recall in my life.  I have heart palpitations and racing out of the blue.  Despite these symptoms, I am in deep denial. 

How do I stop this? I can't go cold turkey or quit my job. Some suggest seeking information, but that is a vicious cycle. Let me read about reducing work by adding work. Let me add to my already busy schedule to help me with my busy schedule.

No real answers without making the problems worse?  Although, things always get worse before they get better.

Carry on my friends…

Wow, that was wind!

My ride to work today this morning was uneventful.  A little colder than I expected, but nonetheless, easier than last week.  I feel stronger.  This was only the fifth ride of the year and the fourth work commute of 2015.  Based on the forecast, this may be the last day for a while.  The cold weather is returning.  What is cold is that I am well below 30 in the morning, and I just find it hard to breathe in the colder weather.  I will need to see the physician as my shortness of breath is not improving.

After a busy day at the office, I packed up the bike to venture home.  Once outdoors, I was filled with immediate fear.  The wind was over 20 MPH, and the gusts were over 30 MPH. I would only have 9 miles into the wind or a side wind for a small portion.  On my commute home, I have a 1.5-mile downhill, where I usually reach a top speed of over 30 MPH.  Today, I worked hard, and I did not exceed 12 MPH.  That is how bad the wind was on that downhill segment, which was in a direct headwind.

I made this sound terrible because it was awful.  Although successful rides like these lift the spirit, I emotionally improved after showering and resting for the night.  Nothing cures negative thoughts and depressive feelings like conquering a significant challenge.  I know it is nothing compared to May, but for me, this was reaching Mount Everest peak in my current health and condition.  Baby steps and self-indulgence in my own rewards are beneficial.

On the photography side, now that the weather is better, I must get out and work on my photography skills.  I picked up a new tripod (I wanted a greater height to stand up straight).  I scoured the web and ultimately chose a tripod that several people recommended, the Oben CT-3561.  I purchased it through a link on the reviewer's website.  At $360, it was not an easy choice, but now that I have it, I am sure it will become a purchase I will not regret.  I am unsure if a reviewer gets anything for the review, but the review was thorough and convinced me to purchase.

I also took the plunge and purchased the Tamron 150-600.  It is a full-frame lens, and I finished my lens collection.  I wish it was a lower aperture (F5-6.3), but I could not afford it.  I am anxious to get out and try the extra reach.   I will post some work if I get it correct.

Until next time, carry on...

Mind games during bicycle rides!

Here we are in March 2015! Last year, with all the snow, it was challenging to even consider riding a bicycle in March. This week, I got on the bike for three of my five trips to the office. Once again, it is 18 miles one way, and I quickly realized that I needed to be in shape for these long rides. The rides were difficult, to say the least. However, it did not help that the winds were over 10 to 15 mph each day.

The funny thing is that my mind wanders in that hour and 15 minutes or so that I ride alone! I once had a friend who told me that he would always revert to powerful childhood memories during long runs. For some reason, this week, I went through many past relationship horrors. Well, maybe they're not horrors, but times that shocked me.

There was a time when I was about 22 years old and had dated the same girl for approximately 2 years. I had always thought that we were perfect for each other. Then again, did I really understand what is really ideal? Then, one day, out of the blue, she told me she did not want to see me any longer. I was devastated. We had had serious discussions about spending our life together just weeks before. The word marriage never came up, but there were these insinuations that we discussed something long-term. Then, just like that, it was over.

I went on with my life at approximately 6 weeks past and pretended she meant nothing to me.  Then, one day, out of the blue, I got a message on the code-a-phone (if you remember that thing.)  She left a message and said she missed me, was so wrong to tell me to leave, and asked if I could give her a ring. Excited, I ran to the local jewelry store and bought a ring. I went to her work at that time, which was at Ember's restaurant.  I offered her the ring.

She looked at me in dismay, and I explained that her voice message said I should give her a call.  She started to laugh, and I was embarrassed.  I actually found out that she meant to give me a call and that she just wanted to make sure that we were still friends. I was distraught. We never really talked much after that day. We both went our separate ways or more like I was so ashamed and embarrassed to look him up ever again.

But as I was riding my bike to work, I had a substantial relapse of everything that happened on that day. What struck me on my bike ride was how glad it ended the way it did.  When very negative things happen, I often never ease up on myself and beat myself up regularly. There have been a few nightmares in my life that I do not think I would ever want to take back, but there are still those that I wish I could.

I don't know if any of you know what I mean as we reminisce about our pasts. But every time I think about it, I'm finding more and more blessings in things that I thought were the most devastating events in my life. I only wish that before I finally reach the end of my life, I come to peace with everything.

Carry on, my friends, carry on…

Invited only?

As I sat down to look at many of the blogs I loved to read over the years, I kept getting the following message:

This blog is open to invited readers only.

http://????????.blogspot.com/

It looks like you have yet to be invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, contact the blog author and request an invitation.

This was the result for four of my regular blogs. I am trying to decide whether to send a message to the author. Although blog comments were the only way we kept in touch in two cases, I have no e-mail or phone. I respect privacy, but I was just taken off guard. So, I will not be offended and move on to other blogs.

I would appreciate any ideas of enjoyable blogs from people I have met or will meet in the future. I am also looking for some good local photography blogs, as that is my most recent hobby. I once enjoyed a boutique blog about all things Minnesota Photo-related, but they ceased last fall. I enjoy Capture Minnesota, but that is just pictures instead of a blog. I wish there were stories about the photo, including the technique.  

My photography has been a learning experience.  I enjoyed it for a while in graduate school, but I needed more time and money to learn.  Now I have the money, but I need more time.  Still need work/life balance!  At least this year, I averaged 53 hours of work weeks compared to over 60 last year.  That is, actual hours are divided by weeks, including holiday and vacation time, even though I was not in the office on those days.

 My last big venture was in Vermont in October 2014.  Here are two shots I was pleased with from that trip.

Carry on, my friends...  

What am I becoming?

I often ride a bike to work.  It is an excellent way to start the day, even when it is 18 miles one-way.  As I get older, it is more challenging. We will have riding weather soon, and I will try to take the morning ride once again and then return at night.  I just hope I do not become a grumpy old man and quit!  What is a grumpy old man?

Last year, I was riding my bike to work when a 65-plus-year-old, out of shape and looking like he hated life, pulled next to me and shouted, "Hey!" I turned, and he shouted, "Keep your bike on the sidewalk!" An essential fact at that location is that there was no sidewalk. However, he proceeded to follow close at my reduced speed and honked his horn in anger as I rode along the side of the street.

What I experienced was a variation on the classic Grumpy Old Man. I immediately recognized him as the stereotypical "Guy Who Is Irritated by Everything" group member.

As I continued my bike ride, I came up on a sidewalk.  I moved onto a sidewalk and stopped.  At that time, he quit honking and sped off.  I returned to the street and rode peacefully the rest of the way.  I resolved silently: I will never allow myself to become a "Grumpy Old Man." But to keep this resolution, I needed to look into why 50-60 and onward men turn into Oscar the Grouch. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it is understandable – terrifyingly understandable – why men my age start to turn sour.

The most obvious reason is this: At this age, we have more issues that cause self-induced irritation.  The first reason is we spend our lives taking pride in at least some aspect of our physical capacities.  Some brag about their bench-press strength, others brag about the speed they run, others their agility, and for some, the ability to eat 20 hot dogs in a row.  It doesn't matter what they were good at, as the point remains the same.  They are not as good at it anymore.

After 50, I discovered aches, pains, syndromes, and indignities. The prostate acts up while my once ironclad stomach becomes delicate. I have so much trouble sleeping.  I am reminded each day by all the pharmaceutical commercials.  Every day, advertisers push the message about my pending acid reflux, joint pain, erectile dysfunction, frequent urination, and so on. Think about it!

In the past decade, I have experienced changes in my family and work lives.  My identity was tied to my child, my daytime job, and the part-time officiating for decades. Then, my kid left home, and my job (career) was a terrible experience. What do we have left?  The most pressing issue is the world is changing around me, and rarely to my high standards. Aging, I often succumb to the nearly irresistible temptation to look at "The World These Days" and find it hopelessly screwed up.

I fear the government is on the wrong track, taxes are too high, kids have no respect, athletes are on performance-enhancing drugs, the world has gone Twitter-mad, computers lock up, cell phones are never off, and I no longer talk, even to my girlfriend, as we text.  Personal interaction has gone away both at work and in my personal relationships.

Just thinking about all of this is getting me, yes, irritated. With all this evidence of decline, how can I not be grumpy?

I have been told to read "The Wonder of Aging: A New Approach to Embracing Life After Fifty." It addresses how men and women age differently – and why men sometimes turn sour.  Often, I am told this is all related to testosterone.  Some say the body is robbed of this important chemical.  So, will ubiquitous testosterone supplements be the solution? Nope. It's not that easy, as nothing is easy.

However, the deeper causes of my Grumpy Old Man syndrome lie in my life's emotional and psychological realm.  I went through a divorce.  Lost a dear child in that process.  My youngest child is grown, and my oldest is the one I have only spent about 300 hours within his 35 years alive.  My girlfriend's child is now fretting about job loss in a strong economy.  So many young people are in debt more than a small house from student loans and can't find stable work. 

The most important thing is to shift my energy into something good.  Similar shifts may have to take place when it comes to relationships, sex, or spiritual life.  After all this, I come to one question.  Is there anything inherently wrong with a grumpy old man telling me to get on a sidewalk?  Maybe he is apprehensive about my safety.

That is the power of finding something positive, even when he is arrogant and pompous.

Carry on my friends…

Self-defecating behavior

With the amount of success I have had in life, it also comes with many failures.  I am not as close to my child as I once was, probably because I have been an ass?  I failed at many relationships, and I am sure it is all related to my desire for success; I might lose touch with reality.  I beat myself up for so many things.  As I wrote months ago, I now have regular chest pains, and the cardiac specialist was giving me a few options.  I have not improved; if this keeps up, I will not have much to worry about.  I need to WAKE UP!

My successes affect my perception of success.  Like many people, I strive to do great things and be a good person.  The only problem is, do I really have a clue what "Great" or "Good" means in the scope of one's life.  I once read an article where tips from Mark Twain for a great life.  They include:

1. Approve yourself, as a man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
2. Your limitations may be in your mind as age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. 
3. Lighten up and have some fun, as humor is mankind's greatest blessing.  He also said that against the assault of laughter, nothing could stand.
4. Let go of anger, as anger is an acid that can harm the vessel in which it is stored more than anything on which it is poured.
5. Release yourself from entitlement means don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing as it was here first.
6. If you're taking a different path, prepare for reactions.
7. Keep your focus steadily on what you want.
8. Don't focus so much on making yourself feel good, as the best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
9. Do what you want to do, as 20 years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. 

I wish I had known these when I was in my 20s. I think I did; I just believed I knew more than others. People would describe me as arrogant and lacking tact. It is that arrogance and abruptness that helped me survive my turbulent youth. 

Why is it we learn more about life when it is half gone?  Looking back, I wonder if my expectations were set too high?  I'd like to know if I settled for something less than I deserve.  Often, I set myself up for failure because I try too hard in a way others do not appreciate.  I wanted many things, and I never really knew if I would be satisfied with or without each "thing."  I had so many goals, and most I have met.  I am at a point where I have no goals and losing the will to better myself.  My weight is at an all-time high, and my desire is at an all-time low.

When will I stop trying for more and just enjoy what I have? I am a competitive person who always wants to be better, not than another person, but the last time I participated, I fought a battle with myself, always trying to beat me. I have become a workaholic who has everything I need, but I don't realize it because I am trying to beat myself. 

I need to work towards what will make me happy, even if I fail to improve. I don't need to always be better than the last time.  This high-stress, self-defeating internal competition is destroying me.  My experiences provide strength to persevere through many obstacles, past and present, but I know they created some bad, really bad qualities. It has made me stubborn, prideful, and too competitive.  If I do not change my ways, it will ultimately lead to my demise.  I already feel more distant and less appreciated by all around me.  That is the most heartbreaking part of all this history.  I know better, but I still continue the same path.  The path is not healthy, and I have no clue how to change this self-destructive path.

Wake up, Londell, WAKE UP.

Carry on, my friends, carry on!