Mercy me, mercy me it's that busy disease

I saw a dear friend recently.  I asked her how she was doing; she looked up, voice lowered, and whimpered: “I’m so busy… I am so busy… have so much going on.”  As we spoke, she mentioned she worked over 50 hours per week all year and had very little time off.  She spends weekends in the office.  I thought I had a hard time only having 81 days off this year, including weekends and holidays.  She said she has less than 70 days off, including weekends.  We both agreed we looked like hell and went on our way.

Today, I met another friend and asked him how it was going.  He explained his wife had left him and their child.  She left for a co-worker.  He said she sought a divorce, full custody, and a vast spousal support payment.  He said he took a second job to pay lawyers and try to save the little hope.  They had been married for 4 years.  His tone was the same I heard a few days earlier, “I’m just so busy… got so much to do and not enough time or money.”

The tone I hear (and often speak) is exacerbated, tired, and overwhelmed. 

This is a sad state of the adult life.  Then, a co-worker was trying to get another co-worker to get together with the kids for an outing.   They grabbed their phones and scrolled… and scrolled… and scrolled.  They finally screed the kids, who had an hour open in two weeks.  They set the date.  They said it is so hard as the child has swimming, gymnastics, piano, and voice lessons and is so busy.”

I learned long ago that horribly destructive habits start early, really early.  I spend time thinking about myself, wondering how I ended up living like this, why I do this to myself, and why I work until I can’t function, only to sleep and start again.   I forget I am a human being, not a human doing.  g?

I never learned to sit with the people I love so much and have a slow, meaningful conversation about the state of our hearts and souls.  Are these conversations slow to unfold, conversations with pregnant pauses and silences that we are in no rush to fill?

How have I evolved to create a world around me where I have more and more to do with less time for leisure, reflection, community, and time to just… be?

This common disease I find so many have acquired is simply called “busy” and is spiritually destructive to my health and well-being.  It saps my ability to be fully present with those we love the most in our families and keeps me from forming the kind of community and friendship I desperately crave.

Since the 1970s, I have seen many new technological innovations that I thought (or were promised) would make my life easier, faster, and more straightforward.  Yet, I have significantly less “free” or leisurely time today than I did decades ago.

For me, the lines between work and home have become blurred.  I live on my device.  ALL THE FREAKING TIME.  My smartphone (made me dumb) and laptop mean no division between the office and home.

One of my daily struggles is the avalanche of emails.  I recently took 5 days from work to stop the burnout from coming on, and I returned to over 400 emails and 30 voicemails.  Some were repeated with anger for the delay in not responding.  Even when I had an auto-reply saying I was out of the office.   I’ve tried different techniques: only responding in the evenings, not responding over weekends, and asking people to schedule more face-to-face time.  The emails keep on coming in unfathomable volumes.  And people expect a response — right now.  I, too, it turns out… am so busy.

The reality looks very different for others, like my sister.  Working two jobs in low-paying sectors is the only way to keep the family afloat.  They say over 20 percent of children are living in poverty, and too many of our parents are working minimum wage jobs just to put a roof over their heads and something resembling food on the table.  We are all so busy.

So I am worn.  I remember I am still human, not just a machine checking off items from my to-do list.  I retell myself that I am more than just a machine checking off items from my to-do list.  I need a different relationship to work with technology.  I know what I want: a meaningful life, a sense of community, a balanced existence.  It’s not just about “leaning in” or faster iPhones.  I want to be truly human. 

WB Yeats wrote: “It takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your soul than it does for a soldier to fight on a battlefield.”  How exactly am I supposed to examine the dark corners of my soul when I am so busy?  How am I supposed to live the examined life?  I have always been a prisoner of hope, but I wonder if I will have the necessary structural conversation about how to do and live like that.  Somehow, I need a different organizing model in my life, society, family, and community.

But my recently encountered friends and my co-worker’s children have no clue how.  Neither do I…

Carry on, my friends, carry on…

Preganant Zone (Prednisone)

Prednisone is a synthetic corticosteroid drug that is used to treat a variety of conditions.  In my case, I was on it for several years as part of the issues infections I fought from 2009 through 2013.  I had fluid accumulation in the brain and a type of inflammation in both eyes.

Essentially, Prednisone mimicked my body’s natural hormones, which the adrenal glands produce.  When prescribed in significant doses, Prednisone helps suppress inflammation.  I also called it the pregnant zone, as it really impacted me with weight gain.  I have been off the medicine for over two years, and I am finally feeling closer to normal again!

What I have experienced is withdrawal.  I think my body and brain became dependent on Prednisone for everyday functioning.  I was not a high dose, only 30-40 mg per day.

When I went off Prednisone, it was cold turkey.  I had significant withdrawal issues.  They say it takes time for the body to make cortical on its own again.  Cortisol stimulates gluconeogenesis (glucose formation), activating antistress and anti-inflammatory pathways.   For a few years, I have had significant inflammatory issues!  I think this was a major cause.  I also have many issues I believe are related to Prednisone withdrawal.  They include:

• Weight gain is the most dreaded side–effects of steroid use.  In addition to causing weight gain, Prednisone leads to a redistribution of body fat to undesirable places, particularly the face, back of the neck, and abdomen.  I have never been heavier than when I was on or coming off Prednisone!
• My recent history of intense abdominal pain is a common withdrawal symptom.  The pain when I stopped taking Prednisone was debilitating at times.  Now, it is just a little pain, occasionally.
• I often felt depressed!  My anxiety level was sky-high.  My son was driven nuts by my anxiety, yet I could never tell him of the issues I was having.  It is my problem, not his.
• The worst has been severe body aches.  I felt, at times, I was unable to move.
• As part of three withdrawals, I would have dizziness at a life-impacting level. 
• The most pressing issue was fatigue.  I am expected to deal with extreme fatigue and low energy levels, as I no longer have adequate amounts of cortisol to provide the body with energy.
• I do not have headaches, but in the past few years, I have had some headaches that would hurt more if I so much as blinked.
• Another issue is suicidal thoughts.  While I never thought about actually taking the next step, I would rush across a bridge as I thought about leaping off the side.  This was really bad when I first discontinued Prednisone use. 
• A frustrating issue was muscle weakness and the overall sense of malaise.

I have read quite a bit about Prednisone withdrawal.  In some cases, it has taken 12 to 24 months before experiencing a complete “recovery” back to homeostasis.  I am 28 months old, and finally, I feel like an end is in sight.  I hope I am right and things will look up in 2017.  Only more time will tell.

Carry on, my friends, carry on…

“That’s a modest way of bragging”

Today at the office, I told a co-worker I was proud this year I have only averaged 6.7 work hours per day (47-hour weeks' average) if I worked all seven days of the week.  I stated that I was happy it had decreased from last year to 7.9 hours a week (55-hour weeks).  I explained that it is based on total hours worked divided by the number of days (365 days for a calendar year).  So yes, I worked 6.7 hours a day every year.  Of course, I had not been in the office every day, as I have 53 days (including weekends) that I was not in the office at all.  Over half of those days were two vacations and moving my son.

I made the statement because I was proud that I was improving on my goal to return to a manageable work schedule.  She said, "That's a modest way of bragging." I felt terrible!  That was not my intent at all.  In fact, I was happy I reduced the time spent working but also not glad I was still taking too much time off for our office. 

My goal is to be closer to 6 hours or less.  The typical employee who works Monday through Friday has 11 Holidays and 10 vacation days and would average 5.2 work hours a day if they worked all 365 days.  This is also 37 hours a week.  My goal is to be at 42 hours a week or less. 

We have a professional office staff of 8.  At the peak of the economy in 2007, we were an office of 11.  We worked more than wild animals during that period to meet the demand.  Of course, only the three non-union staff members, me being one, get the privilege of working without overtime pay, so the other five are basically 8-4:30, and we pick up where we are behind.  

From 2005 to 2009, I could work out and was much happier.  Then the economy fell, and we were a staff of 6 at one time.  As I stated, we built up to 8 staff, but more are needed.  I wish my ego would let me toss my arms and say, "You have to wait a week for an answer," or even, "Wait a month as you're on the pile." That is the reputation of government; we just do what we need and make you wait.  I can't do that to people. 

A staff member on maternity leave recently came in and told us she would not be returning.  So, we have a staff of 7, when we could easily have used closer to the 11 we had to accomplish the workload in 2007.  Then there is the other side: finding good employees is becoming possible.

What it comes down to is that I take a high degree of personal responsibility and care for our team's success.  I meet people on nights and weekends because they need help getting into City Hall during regular work hours.  

This is how I was raised, so I work as hard as possible to keep us functioning.  I usually go to work at 6:30 AM and work past 7:00 PM during the week just to return voicemails and e-mails I get during the day.  I tried one week in September to force myself to leave at 5:00 PM for a week, and I was over 110 e-mails behind by the end of the week.  I spend 14 hours over the weekend to get caught up!  So that did not work.

I'm figuring out how to keep this up, as I know my health is impacted.  Stress is at an all-time high.  I am so fatigued that I find walking hard, let alone working out.  I am trying to figure out what choice there is to keep the high customer service standards I have for dealing with people.  I either have issues with my personal beliefs or keep doing what I am doing. 

So it was not a "modest way of bragging" but admitting I was getting close to failing.  I hate to fail, but things need to change, and I am trying to figure out how to change them.  It may be time to evaluate changing careers, but I can retire if I hold out six more years.  But if this keeps up, I wonder if there will be much of a retirement.  In the past decade, I had two friends retire and die within 4 years.  It should be an easy decision, but it is another difficult choice I cannot make now, as I do not have time to do anything but work, eat, and sleep.  Makes me tired, fat, and unhappy.

Carry on, my friends, carry on...

Why worry now?

Baby, I see this world has made you sad,

Some people can be bad

The things they do, the things they say

But baby, I’ll wipe away those bitter tears

I’ll chase away those restless fears

And turn your blue skies into gray

Why worry

There should be laughter after pain

There should be sunshine after rain

These things have always been the same

So why worry now

Why worry now

Why worry now

These words are from a Dire Straits song I really like.  About worrying, that worthless emotion.  The one that can make you ill! 

Why is this important to me today?  It was because my son went on a bike ride.  He used his Garmin so I could track him.  His Garmin quit monitoring at the same spot in Colorado where last year, I was less than 1 minute behind a bicyclist that was killed on that same curve where his Garmin quit.  I still have nightmares about that destroyed bicycle and the blood all over the road.

I worried, panicked, and had shortness of breath and chest pains.  I frantically watched the screen to see if it would start taking again.  I was getting sick with worry!!  I called him to see if he was OK, and he angrily told me to call quickly.  At least the worry decreased, and I could breathe!  But he was mad, very, very mad.

Amid excessive worrying, I suffered high anxiety to the point of panic.  I get that feeling of impending doom or unrealistic fears that only increase my worries.  Ultra-sensitive to my environment.

It’s an inherently human aspect – this thing we call worry.  It affects each of us in different ways, some more than others.  I classify myself as a chronic worrier; I do tend to worry, especially when the issue seems to have far-reaching consequences. 

While I know deep inside that worrying is not going to do anything except make me more depressed, there are times when irrational worries tend to drive rational thought to the far corners of my mind. When I go below the surface of worry and analyze why we feel this emotion in the first place, I find myself with justifiable reasons. 

For example, I imagine the worst, so I am prepared for it when it happens.  Yes, I do know the experts are all for the power of positive thinking, but there comes a time when my mind conjures up worst-case scenarios and how I will tackle each of them if they do happen.  This kind of worrying is not too bad as long as I don’t obsess over what may happen because I am actually doing something positive – planning and preparing myself for the worst that could happen.  So, even if it does happen, I may find I can hold my own.

If the worst does not happen, as I feared, it’s reason to rejoice.  One part of my mind believes that none will ever happen if I consider every possible negative outcome.  And this is why my worst-case scenarios often have more sentiment and drama than real life.  In my book, if you imagine it will happen and it does not occur, that’s reason enough to be grateful and heave a huge sigh of relief.

What is HUGE is that I fret over or regret past things.  My family and friends are famous for saying, “I told you so,” when my dire predictions are valid.  Sometimes I can’t help myself.  I am only human.  To be completely free of worry would require the patience and acceptance of a saint.  I do let myself worry for a while over things that I do not have control over – like the fact that a good friend died of cancer or was killed on a bicycle rise.  I tend to worry and cry over the sheer helplessness of the situation and the nature of this morbid disease that has no cure.

Even though worry is a debilitating emotion that drains my resources, there are times when I am beset by worry despite my best intentions to remain stoic in the face of disaster.  But the difference between positive people and those who let themselves slip into a kind of depression because they worry too much lies in knowing where to draw the line and not allowing yourself to cross it.

I am losing focus on that line, but I hope I stay correct.

Carry on, my friends, carry on….