RIP Steve Wilkinson

This was a tough week for me. Many past thoughts went through my head. I sometimes believe everyone wonders if they are good humans, as I have had many doubts. Much of my life and others are filled with mentors who help shape who we are and how we live.

In this blog, I wrote about the only mentor I had until I was in my teens: my grandfather. In my high school years, I had Mr. Gary Clark and Mr. Larry Anderson. They were two people who influenced me to take life seriously. I often wonder if I would be where I am today or in jail without them.

Until I had a son, I thought I naturally wanted to raise him to have a full, emotional, yet stable life. Then I tried to, and I discovered a big difference between believing a boy should show his feelings freely and actually having a boy who does. I was fortunate in 1984 to attend a tennis camp called Tennis and Life Camp. While I always remembered the lessons from that camp, I never really implemented them in my own life. 

Raising a child is difficult, and because of my emotional faults, I was a single father.  I decided that my son needed to have good role models.  He already had a very wise lawyer as a grandfather who was instrumental in raising a fine young man.  The other was Steve Wilkinson.  He was the originator of the fermented tennis camp.  I decided it was best for my son to attend the camp. 

Because of my son’s perceived handicap, Steve really took my son under his wing.  He emphasized the importance of the three crowns in tennis and in life. 

The first crown symbolizes that you have the choice to be positive, no matter what the situation. You should focus on the things in your control and let go of the things that are not in your control. For example, when you compete, whether you win or not isn’t in your control, just as your final grade isn’t in your control—what you can have control over is your attitude.

The second crown is a commitment to giving your full effort. Don’t just blow off a course; give it your all—regardless of the grade you will receive, the comments you may receive, or the regret you may feel as you live your life.

The third crown is good sportsmanship, and we are always looking for ways to affirm that. That’s why I teach sports ethics. It combines my interest in religion with sports—a meaningful combination.

So, I truly believe my son had three fathers.  Besides the biological father, me, he had his grandfather and Steve Wilkinson.  Steve died this past week.  That resulted in a hole in many hearts, including mine and, I am sure, my son’s.

If the readers of this post do not know the man, I suggest you read the memoir he published before his death. It is called “Let Love Serve,” and I really suggest you read it. It will give you a full understanding of what it means to live life fully. 

We will be going to this funeral next week, and I, for one, will have a difficult time.  I anticipate my son will as well.  When you lose such a hero, it is difficult.  Although now, more than at any time in my life, it is important to recall the lessons Steve taught me 30 years ago and, this time, implement them.

Carry on, my friends, carry on…

More thoughts

I recently read an article from Steve Cole, Professor of Medicine and Behavioral Sciences at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA), about how chronic stress, poverty, loneliness, and fear endemic in crime can alter gene activity and contribute to disease.  He examined how psychological experiences influence immune systems and human health. He is mapping the biological pathways through which social conditions change the expression of traits or tendencies encoded in genetic material.

This was impacting on me as I analyzed 40 years of my life.  (Only 40 years as being 52; I am not sure there were issues before the teen years).  I remember times when my father was fired from his job, and we were concerned about paying for the necessities in life.  At age 13, I lied my age and was hired as a dishwasher to help fund the family's needs.  There was significant stress balancing school and work while writing about the family.  I gained weight, and my health deteriorated. 

When I was 16 years old, the family's financial saturation was strong, and I had few, if any, worries.  I had learned how to manipulate my father's emotions so he no longer beat my mother.  He no longer would beat my sister either.  I had grown to have a lock-tight memory and ensure everything was just as the controlling asshole wanted.  This created harmony, thereby reducing stress and fear.  I naturally became physically fit and had little or no health issues.

The harmony was destroyed when I was 20 years old.  My sister dated an African American.  My father went ballistic, and in return, my sister and I essentially were cast aside and blacklisted in the family.  I for supporting her relationship, and her for the relationship.  That led to significant weight gain and health issues. 

By then, I was 23, and I was content without any family other than my sister. I had lost all the weight, played Division II tennis, and ran a 35-minute 10 K.  Life seemed solid, and I had little worries or stress.

Then, I graduated and went out into the cruel world.  It was hard to find a job, even with a degree.  I got married, moved several times, and now had the stress, fear, and worry of a husband and a father.  

Without going on and on about the last three times I just lost weight and became healthy since then, all are clearly times when I had little or no stress or fear in my life.

The study impacted me in a way I never anticipated. I really need to learn to reduce stress, fear, and anxiety. I am unsure what I will learn, but do you have any ideas about books, techniques, or other information you would suggest?

One thing is for sure, LIFE A JOURNEY.  For some short, like my nephew Aaron Swanson, who died at three years old.  For others, it is a long journey, like my grandfather, who died just short of 100.  Right now, I am between them.

Carry on, my friends, Carry on!

The power of positive thinking

How many times have you heard that phrase? I once believed that to be the most important part of life, including health. It’s become part of everyday vernacular now that it’s almost meaningless. I would argue we all agree that positive thinking is good. I find it hard to say, “Hey, I like me. My life is cool. Things are going great.”

But what about when things are crappy? What about those days when I get so stressed the veins pop out of my forehead? What about those times when I hate my job? What about the days when I feel sucker-punched by a series of unfortunate?

I’ve met people who remain perky during terrible times. In all honesty, they make me want to slap them around a bit. That Pollyanna “life is still beautiful” attitude when things fall apart just yanks my chain.  Although I fully understand that positive thinking really physically changes your brain,

This science is referred to as neuroplasticity. It means that our thoughts can change the structure and function of our brains. The idea was first introduced by William James in 1890. Still, it was soundly rejected by scientists who uniformly believed the brain is rigidly mapped out, with certain parts of the brain controlling specific functions. The function is altered or lost if that part is dead or damaged. Well, they were wrong. Neuroplasticity now enjoys wide acceptance as scientists prove the brain is endlessly adaptable and dynamic.

The brain, a human, has the power to change its structure, even for those with severe neurological afflictions. People with problems like strokes, cerebral palsy, and mental illness can train other areas of their brains through repetitive mental and physical activities. It is completely life-altering.  So, what does this have to do with positive thinking and me?

It means that repetitive positive thoughts and positive activity can rewire my brain and strengthen brain areas that stimulate positive feelings.  I am reading the widely-acclaimed book The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science by Norman Doidge.  He states plainly the brain can rewire itself and/or form new neural pathways — if we do the work. Just like exercise, the job requires repetition and activity to reinforce new learning.  I read about some actions I can take to change my own brain during bad times.

One thing is to quit fearing failure. I often fear doing something new because I can’t wait to fail. I never felt this until the past few years. I must force myself to stop thinking about reasons I can’t do something, even if I don’t feel brave or capable. Whenever a negative thought creeps in, I must retrain my brain to think positively about my abilities.

I often find myself trapped in obsessive over-thinking about a problem or in a state of anxiety or worry that lasts weeks or months? It drains my energy, affects my sleep, and spirals my mood and outlook. Focusing on my problem should strengthen the worry function in my brain. When I find myself in that cycle of worry or compulsive thinking, remember the three R’s — rename, re-frame, and redirect. Rename the issue by reminding myself that worry isn’t real. Rename it as a compulsive reaction, not reality. Re-frame my thinking by focusing on positive or distracting thoughts, even if I still feel anxious.

Some people accuse me of feeling blue or out-of-sorts, and it’s just a temporary fog that settles in and lifts after a few days. Some mood disorders, like depression or serious anxieties that morph into phobias, can be debilitating and unrelenting.  I have considered cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).  I mean, many symptoms would support CBT.  They include:

• Loss of senses — vision, balance, and hearing
• The aging brain and memory
• Issues related to love and sex
• Chronic pain
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder
• Depress

So, I must focus on proper mental energy and stop beating myself up.  I want to truly understand the concept, and I can overcome some of the issues discussed.  Time will tell.  One of my favorite motivation packages was Dennis Waitley’s Psychology of Winning.  In fact, it is time to dust this off and try to improve the brain and its destructive behaviors.

This will be important as it looks like I will have surgery in early February.  The old body is not in good shape and needs to change.  I wanted to do it without any surgical options, but it looks like there are no options outside of the knife?

Carry on my friends…

2015 is here...

Regular exercise is vital to a healthy lifestyle and a sound weight-loss program. It also relieves stress and increases productivity. Most experts suggest 60 minutes of exercise each day for optimal health. While exercise is a good thing, taking it to the extreme can cause serious health issues, even death.

I struggle to find just 20 minutes a day to dedicate to working out. It may be hard to believe that at one point, I placed exercise at the center of my life. I was compelled to exercise above and beyond normal levels, often in a desperate attempt to burn every calorie I consumed. Is this a reason for my heart issues?

I often wonder if my compulsive exercise periods in my life are what is required for my body to manage my weight. Even when I ran a 4-hour marathon, a doctor told me I was obese at 230 pounds.  He said I was 35-40 pounds overweight.  This was a blow to my self-esteem.  I worked so hard and felt tremendous, yet the physician still labeled me as obese.

I never reached a level of exercise bulimia, the use of excessive exercise to purge or compensate for binges, or simply regular eating.  Instead, I recall that date I “gave up” based on the physician’s few words.  Now I am 70 pounds heavier and not happy!

I am trying to get back on track.  I recently purchased an IHealth scale and have prepared to get back to 230 and will be content with being obese.  I hope I succeed as I feel better, die with stress better, and enjoy life.  This time, I will not let the Doctor, who is a real prick, blow my self-esteem when he calls me obese.

I also need to get my life and work balance under control.  In 2012, I worked over 70 hours a week, on average.  In 2013, I took that down to 63 hours.  For 2014, I have an average workweek of 59.3 hours.  Of course, this is my actual work hour divided by 52 weeks.  It includes my two weeks off for the Bike ride, my Vermont trip, and the time off for my son’s surgery.  I am most likely over 63 hours a week.  I am trying to limit myself to 10 hours a day and work fewer weekends for those who may think that overtime pay is excellent.  No, that is not the case for me.  In real terms, I make about the same hourly rate as the administrative assistant. 

So, I need to take action on both issues.  I also need to take care of it as I have ticker issues.  I am trying to avoid surgery, and that is going to be difficult.  Here we go!

In the end, I am still working on improving my photography.  Here are some examples once again:

Carry on my friends…