2 days, 10 hours...

So I have two days and ten hours until I decide to run or quit. I have known all along that I would have to continue some sort of training as I really wanted to run my 25th Grandma's. But I have been asking myself, Why? Why should I? Who cares? Does it really matter? And I think, is 24 enough? Who cares if I do not? Only me...

Well training right for the marathon gets you increased energy, improved health, a sense of accomplishment, increased discipline, quality time outdoors, a chance to show off to the opposite sex that I can do it, and of course, great-looking legs. But if I did this for 24 years in a row and training lost its charm over a decade ago.

So, in this time of self-exploration, why? As I was writing this, I had the TV on. It was strange that I watched "Click" with Adam Sandler... A movie about fast-forwarding through life. I watched this and thought about the 24 years in a row finishing Grandma's marathon. Those 24 years are like a blur... More than half my life is a blur. I recall the first year and a few other moments in between.  But just like the movie "Click," I just cruised through the years, and I cannot put many facts about those years into my mind, no matter how hard I think. Disturbing.

That made me think about this past year even harder. I have been so busy working, but I am thankful I have an excellent job in this economy. I have been so busy tennis officiating over 30 weekends of tennis events in 2008 and trying to keep everything in check I forgot to keep myself in check. I have been so busy chasing a dream that I forgot what the dream was? The year flew, and I am still determining where it went, what I did, etc.? I would like to tell you a lot about it. Not really. To me, that sounds scary. Makes me wonder if being homeless is easier and less taxing. Then I recall when I stepped outside this morning, and OH MY GOD, IT WAS COLD. So I am happy I have a warm place to sleep. Many do not... But have I had a balance? That is the question.

Then I thought what I have in life is really a precious gift. To refuse to live it to its utmost, to the extreme -in effect, to seize the dream- is a form of "sin." It is not the kind you go to hell for, but a more insidious kind that deprives you of what can and should be the most important thing in your life.

I can not remember last year but I recall my high school studies when I learned King Edward VII of England fell passionately in love with Wallis Simpson, the only way he could fulfill his dream and marry her, was to do the undoable: abdicate from the throne. Which he did in a heartbeat. In doing so, in breaking the rules others had set for him, he reversed the general and passive order: his dreams took flight, and life threw a kiss for his courage and passion.

I have walked, ran, talked to countless people, and heard of dreams. I speak to children and hear of dreams. I talk to co-workers and hear of dreams. I love dreamers because they have the electricity of life. But so often, it remains static electricity. You know, the kind that stings without warning? "My career would be what I really want it to be, but…", "My company would break new ground in our industry and achieve truly dramatic breakthroughs, however…"... For me, my running would be ... but...

I digress.

Then, other dreams are hard to know if they are real or not... These can be sad or happy. Dreams can be great if you can keep them from distorting reality... As they say, one of the keys to success in any significant task is to visualize the success... But I have seen people have such a robust visualization that they go the wrong way and cheat or make other indiscretions... (Tom Petters?) So, can dreams also have opposite impacts for some? You know, the ones that make you believe they are real, but they are not? The ones that scare you.

I had such a dream a few weeks ago. I had a dream that my friend's co-worker who was having a baby had a fatal end to the dream. The baby did not make it. I felt so much remorse. A week after the dream, my friend said her friend would have her baby on Monday. I looked at her confused and asked if she was sure as the baby had died. I realized then it was a dream and not reality. But when I got the news days later the baby did not make it, I really felt like a schmuck.

What does all this have to do with a decision on 2009 running? I am unsure, but running is like many things in my hectic and complex life! I have been swamped, and life seems to pass without much thought...

Watching the movie Click made me cry. As he was dying on the pavement, at the end of his life, I shut the TV off and shed tears. Yes, men can cry. I was not getting the enjoyment I thought I should from everything I did. I am fast-forwarding. Running was becoming a chore, dating was a chore, and smiling could be a chore.

I need to evaluate what makes me happy... I need to stop, look, and listen... I have noticed the beauty I have before me... That could mean many things, but just like deciding to try 100 miles, I need to conclude the best opportunities to make life all it can be without being a chore and proceeding that way. And just like a 100 mile, there will be obstacles and things that will cause me to change what I am doing, then I can decide the best way to accomplish whatever that is... and that could be just sitting down and looking at the stars... but I know one thing I do want to do right now, run...

Carry on...