Body pain and stupid actions

I often feel betrayed by my body. It seems to always be breaking down, leaving me frustrated and bitter.  No one else seemed to have as many problems.  I do not have what seems to bother some, like Arthritis, an inflamed gall bladder riddled with stones that end in surgery, chronic migraines, chronic hives, or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  Whenever I get sick, it never seems to be something trivial.  A cold becomes bronchitis. Hay fever leads to a sinus infection.

The thing is, I’ve done a lot of healing. I’ve consulted with counselors, physics, osteos, hypnotherapists, and more. I’ve become more in tune and aware of my body in many ways.

So when I found myself trying to heal my chronic pain, I was disappointed to hear the old “poor me, why me?” tape start running again. Something occurred to me as I lay down, feeling very sorry for myself.  There is a lesson I need to learn.  That is what is my body trying to tell me?

I said, “Excuse me, body, I feel really betrayed by you. You always seem to be sick, sad, or sore. What are you trying to tell me?”  Here was my body’s soft, small answer.

“I’m not trying to betray you, but I have needs, too. I try to let you know, but you’re too busy hanging out with your mind. When you two get together, you get lost, and sometimes I have to scream at you for you to hear me.”  Was this correct?

I started to think of the nights when I ignored my body’s need for sleep and eating sugar until I had throbbing headaches. Becoming dehydrated from forgetting to drink water. Punishing workouts that I pushed through in agony in my endless quest for thinness.

All that time, I spent overthinking, over-planning, and overtraining while my body endured it all. I tried and often failed to get my attention until it broke down.

Now, I’m not suggesting that all sickness or pain is caused by a lack of awareness or the ill-treatment of our bodies. Sometimes, illness befalls us for no good reason, and it’s no one’s fault. So, I keep doing what I can…

I am trying to focus. Seriously, focusing on what I can do gives me more inner peace, keeps me grounded, and inspires me to take action. However, how do I focus when my mind is spinning at warp speed?

So being a martyr and pushing myself to try to appear less weak to me or others is a known recipe for disaster I seem to forget. I need to understand if it hurts or it will hurt, I need to stop saying, “I should” or “Screw it, I’m doing it anyway”.  This is the inner self-taking irrational control.

It could be I need to stop trying to heal. I know it sounds weird, but hear me out. The idea of “healing” brings to my mind someone who is sick, broken, and less than good enough. What if, instead of trying to heal myself, I treat my body with absolute kindness? What would that look like?

Along with focus and the need to stop healing, I think of the power of meditation. I don’t think there is a person alive who couldn’t benefit from the strong mental skills that come from meditation. This is doubly true for those of us experiencing chronic pain. I am encouraged to find a style of meditation/relaxation that works, but it seems out of reach!

But it all comes down to the need to nourish myself.  When I feel like crap, it’s so easy to eat sugary foods to comfort myself. But it always backfires because I feel empty and drained after the rushing sugar high. When I choose food that I know my body will love me for, it helps me by putting more energy into healing itself.

One thing I could do better is to find pleasure in anything I do.  The simple pleasures are hindered by illness.  Pain and illness are a drag, no doubt about it. But humor and pleasure are incredibly healing. I need to surround myself with as much pleasure as I can.

I know all this, but I do not have a clue how to transform my attitude during moments of pain or illness. That is one thing I just can’t get right. I will try, but the effort seems grim. I just want to have a day without more than 50 percent of my body in pain. Then, being halfway, I may be motivated.  

Carry on my friends…