Self-defecating behavior

With the amount of success I have had in life, it also comes with many failures.  I am not as close to my child as I once was, probably because I have been an ass?  I failed at many relationships, and I am sure it is all related to my desire for success; I might lose touch with reality.  I beat myself up for so many things.  As I wrote months ago, I now have regular chest pains, and the cardiac specialist was giving me a few options.  I have not improved; if this keeps up, I will not have much to worry about.  I need to WAKE UP!

My successes affect my perception of success.  Like many people, I strive to do great things and be a good person.  The only problem is, do I really have a clue what "Great" or "Good" means in the scope of one's life.  I once read an article where tips from Mark Twain for a great life.  They include:

1. Approve yourself, as a man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
2. Your limitations may be in your mind as age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. 
3. Lighten up and have some fun, as humor is mankind's greatest blessing.  He also said that against the assault of laughter, nothing could stand.
4. Let go of anger, as anger is an acid that can harm the vessel in which it is stored more than anything on which it is poured.
5. Release yourself from entitlement means don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing as it was here first.
6. If you're taking a different path, prepare for reactions.
7. Keep your focus steadily on what you want.
8. Don't focus so much on making yourself feel good, as the best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
9. Do what you want to do, as 20 years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. 

I wish I had known these when I was in my 20s. I think I did; I just believed I knew more than others. People would describe me as arrogant and lacking tact. It is that arrogance and abruptness that helped me survive my turbulent youth. 

Why is it we learn more about life when it is half gone?  Looking back, I wonder if my expectations were set too high?  I'd like to know if I settled for something less than I deserve.  Often, I set myself up for failure because I try too hard in a way others do not appreciate.  I wanted many things, and I never really knew if I would be satisfied with or without each "thing."  I had so many goals, and most I have met.  I am at a point where I have no goals and losing the will to better myself.  My weight is at an all-time high, and my desire is at an all-time low.

When will I stop trying for more and just enjoy what I have? I am a competitive person who always wants to be better, not than another person, but the last time I participated, I fought a battle with myself, always trying to beat me. I have become a workaholic who has everything I need, but I don't realize it because I am trying to beat myself. 

I need to work towards what will make me happy, even if I fail to improve. I don't need to always be better than the last time.  This high-stress, self-defeating internal competition is destroying me.  My experiences provide strength to persevere through many obstacles, past and present, but I know they created some bad, really bad qualities. It has made me stubborn, prideful, and too competitive.  If I do not change my ways, it will ultimately lead to my demise.  I already feel more distant and less appreciated by all around me.  That is the most heartbreaking part of all this history.  I know better, but I still continue the same path.  The path is not healthy, and I have no clue how to change this self-destructive path.

Wake up, Londell, WAKE UP.

Carry on, my friends, carry on!