It is Halloween! A Saturday this year, and it appears everyone is
celebrating.
Yesterday, I was asked if I had big plans or planned to get away for a little trip. As it turns out, I had been planning on leaving next weekend. After a brief minute of chatting, the man wished me a nice trip. “But then again,” he said, “Why wouldn’t you? Your life is golden!”
I’ll admit the act I put on was nice to be seen
as living a golden life, but the words knocked the wind out of me. He
wasn’t being rude, sarcastic or insulting. I believe he was genuine. And that’s the part that really took my breath away because here’s the
truth.
This man had seen me several times over the
past year for minutes at a time. Usually, I am all dressed up doing a full-time job. He usually enjoys the photography I
have exhibited on the office wall. He has a high respect for my knowledge and confidence in my
profession. Therefore, this is
what he knew.
The truth is there is darkness I rarely show, nor
do most see. Especially now, when
so many of our connections happen only five minutes at a time…fully filtered or
perfectly hashtagged. In our defense, though, it’s not entirely our
fault. That battle we’re fighting…those rough days were having…they don’t
tend to translate very well when you have twenty people waiting to meet you on
a busy day.
What would I have told this person so
the golden image was not assumed? I could have said, “Yes, I am flying to Colorado. My son is going
through a very tough time, and he is in the greatest of pain emotionally. I could tell him of my heart condition, which was discovered last spring, and how I have so much trouble breathing most of the
time. A terrifying health
scare. I could remind him of the
on-and-off suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. So, going
to Colorado to visit nature sounds good, but it seemed like an excellent place
to run away from life.
No. I will not tell him this. Because shocking total strangers into oblivion is harsh and cruel. Especially when he relies on my confidence and
leadership skills.
But I did spend today wondering about my
sense of authenticity…my collective vulnerability…, and my polished identity. And it made me feel like a total fraud because I’m not any of
those things that this man sees on the other side of the desk.
If I showed up one morning wearing my most
ragged and scarred self…it would be a very different man staring back at me. That will not happen as I spend an
absurd amount of time worrying about what others think of me. In addition, my biggest challenge in
life is letting go of people. Even if they hurt me.
I feel like I have failed as a son. I try to avoid big groups so I
won’t feel like the invisible one. I’m insanely self-conscious of my smile. I
feel like I’m easy to walk away from in life…and it haunts me daily.
I almost always assume
that I care more about everyone else than they do about me. I always feel like a
terrible father and hate emptying the dishwasher.
Every day, I’m afraid my girlfriend will wake up and finally realize how crazy she is dating. I thank God for
every day that she doesn’t!
I want to miswrite a book that it hurts. But I’m afraid of people telling me my life was never worth telling. I struggle, every single day, with feeling like I’m enough. Funny enough. Good enough.
And I cry. A lot more recently as I see
the pain my loved ones encounter. Always in private causes the pain I see, and there is nothing I can do
about it!
I doubt I would get a gold star for any
of this. Scars tell stories of survival as I stood up for the fight instead of
running away. And we’ve all got
them…even the man on the other side of my desk. He fights battles,
defends his front line, and struggles in his own way.
And maybe it’s not about collecting gold stars
for the perceived reality we give the world on Facebook…but about the
purple hearts we get for living bravely among the real ones. Because life requires guts,
bravery…and vulnerability.
So, I get up, go to work, manage the high-level
stress in my life, wear my scars proudly…and carry on. I wish I could get my son to understand that he is not in this battle alone. However, I feel I have been struggling for over a decade and am tired. I keep disappointing people
and trying to be a better person by improving on the charade. The image below says so much!
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