It's funny how life turns out. It is even stranger when I make that statement with what I think will be so much life yet to live. So how can I say, “it’s funny how life turns out”. It is not over?
As I sit in my office two days after losing another good friend at a tender young age of 50, I find my mind wandering. I feel the tears forming as I try to fight them so the staff walking past the office doesn't think I'm crazy. I do the square breathing method each time I can’t talk to a friend or relative when I call and fear they to dies. I'm losing the battle.
When I have times like these, when I lose another dear friend, I go through a period when I have nightmares and fears of who is the next beloved friend I will lose in this life. It is times like these when I call a dear friend or loved you and they do not respond for a few days, my mind torments me. It is times like these I get panic attack’s as I can’t control my mind streaming negative thoughts. I have an acquaintance that recently lost their father, unexpectedly. These events cause me to use so much emotional energy to fight the fears and pessimistic thoughts of who will be next. This usually takes a month or two to slap myself back to reality and am able to sleep and control the useless emotional issue about death.
This death brings back memories of when my Grandmother passed away. Although, for me, this was not as hard on me directly, but it is hard on my Dad. But the death made me relive Dana’s death. Death is a unknown and unrelenting action.
I recall as a child, sex was taboo subject and death was not. Now, America seems to speak freely about sex, but death has become a subject we'd rather not talk about. I often thought about why I do not talk about death? In general, human beings are afraid of death. It is related to the fear of the unknown. The question is: Is there life after death?
I used to be firmly convinced that there is nothing after death. This made me very afraid and desperate. I remember that as a child sometimes, while lying in my bed, I suddenly realized there would come a day that I wouldn't exist anymore. It was such a big and horrible thing to think about.
As a young adult, my three-year-old nephew died. I still recall the words from the pastor who stated “death is not to be feared or sadden as God has a life for us all.” He stated that “Aaron live a very full life that God gave him, even if it was only three years.” He challenged us to live the life we have and cherish every moment, as that is what Aaron did?
I can't help but wonder how I got here. Meaning this point in my life. I'm 51 years old yet some say 51 years young. A total of 51 years have passed. My childhood is long gone and I am still waiting for my mid-life crisis. The innocence of playing, dear friends who will never die, and not having any worries seems gone. Strange as I am more stressed now when I am not counting every penny, have a good home, have a good car and can afford leisure and relaxation. But leisure and relaxation only creates increased stress and worry. Makes no sense.
My twenties went by in a flash. Even though I earned my Graduate Degree, was a husband, a father, a homeowner, and a supposed working professional, I often think I didn't really mature until my mid-to late 40’s.
Now as I embark on into the fifties, I'm sadly finding some content being alone. Like a curse, a curse I knew would eventually haunt me. This isn't quite how I'd imagined it would come to fruition in my 50’s. I have known to many people who died too soon and missed out on so much. I'm alive and missing out on what I thought life would be. It's funny how life turns out.
Rest in peace Monica… You will be missed.
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