I was working out with a friend the other day, and she started talking about feeling like she was on the outside looking into life. I questioned what she meant by that statement. Summarizing what she said, she said that while her husband is next to her, she feels like there is a glass wall between them (except when infrequent intimacy is involved, but all other times). She said at her new job, she just seems to not fit in; she said with her over-achieving family, she feels left behind, and she said with most workout friends, she feels less than adequate.
A consistent point was “she feels,” and I asked her what they had done to make her “feel” that way. She said they do not smile or say hi, and they are just there with little appreciation for her efforts. I explained I knew what she meant because I had been there as well, and in some ways, I still am. I commented she should read “The Cost of Living” (http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9781590173275). That book is not about women with perfect exteriors — their hair did just so, their manicures never chipped, their voices soft and silky, and they never said the wrong thing. Instead, the author writes about draggled laces, sagging hems, and undone ribbons. Her stories about everyday women and heroines are about the awkward, the hopeless, the immature, and the ones on the outside of womanhood looking in, like her and many others. I told her I did not think it would be a revelation, but it was a good read. I will wait to hear any comments if she reads it.
I thought this was a preconceived notion that we have a certain level of self-worth and a certain amount to give before we expect to benefit from the work and effort. It is the expectation within us that creates disappointment. Like when I hope to finish a marathon in less than 4 hours. I failed when I had exceeded more than 99.6 percent of all humans. (So the web says in a study from 2007.) What a great thing I should celebrate. But my expectations are what really caused the problem.
I do this all the time! Have expectations and then big-time disappointments. May my next 15-minute per-mile run/jog be joyous for what it is, a successful run. Still doing more than the majority of the world, just not accomplishing anything compared with the friends I keep...
Carry on my friends…
2 comments:
A very enlightening post, Londell. As a perfectionist, I too suffer this syndrome often. This past year I've learned to 'let go' and try to just enjoy life and each experience for what it is. This has been particularly important being the parent of a five year-old and having to had to deal with an injury which prevented me from running as fast and long as I normally could. I still have a ways to go, but I'm making progress, which is the most important thing. Keep up the great posts. They always get me thinking. Happy Holidays!!
Interesting that the reasons she gave for her feelings were things that everyone else was doing. They weren't doing all of the right things. I think "waking up" and feeling connected has more to do with how we behave and think and less to do with others. Maybe it feels safer to keep up the wall of glass.
Thanks for the thought provoking post!
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