Fat, ugly or sloppy dresser attack

Ever had a “fat, ugly, or sloppy dresser attack”?  It’s like being on one of those makeover TV shows where everyone who you thought loved you shows up to tell you that you dress like a 53-year-old Amish pimp.  Then they discuss holes in the stretched-out / worn-out sweat pants or shirt when you are not in the room.  The clothes you feel good and comfortable in as opposed to what others would wear!  As you hear these statements, you muster up all the energy not to cry on camera.  For decades, these attacks were not family and friends but me attacking my own mind.  However, they have been from friends and family for the past few years and much more recently.  It is wearing me out!

 

I try.  It is easy to see the pile of discarded clothes on the floor.   No matter what I try on, everything makes me feel fat and is not comfortable.  I purchase shirts that are too big, and they feel worse.  Jeans make my thighs look like sausages.  Shirts often make me look like Pat from SNL.  Every t-shirt I own hits exactly the widest part of my gut, making me feel like Tweedledee/Tweedledum.  People make me believe I am more the Dum of the two!

I wail, “I’m so fat and ugly!” So, I wear what makes me comfortable and get through the day without attacking myself.  Then, as stated above, the vicious verbal attacks about my choice of clothing came from friends and what I thought were loved ones.  I guess sitting on top of a batch of C4 explosives could give me more of a comfort.

My day continues, and I see everything through that critical and no-support lens.  The grocery checker doesn’t make small talk; when I do, they just look down.  Someone questions my shoes because they do not want to look up, as my mismatched shoes are the best part of me to them!  I prefer that when they look up, they criticize the clothes I find comfortable wearing.  The recent frequent critical comments from those who supposedly love me tear at the soul to the point that you just want to scream.  The following graphic says a lot! 

Over the years, I’ve learned some things about combating a fat, ugly, and sloppy attack!  The big one is to fake it till you make it.  Even if saying the right things doesn’t make me feel better right away, they are what I (obsessively) think and eventually believe.  Have you ever tried looking yourself in the eyes, in a mirror, and saying out loud, “I love you.  Thank you for all of this and for everything you do for me.  You’re beautiful.”?  It is way more complicated than it sounds.  I cried the first time I got the words out of my mouth.  But it sends a compelling message to yourself that you are not beautiful because of your body or, despite your body, that you are just simply stunning.  Period.

I have tried to meditate, even if it’s just sitting down.  I find the floor in a closet comforting.  Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth while counting my breaths makes me feel better.  I swear it helps.

I don’t know where to turn emotionally.  For several years, the only comfort I have had is from work, but last year, I lost over 130 hours of vacation and averaged well over 50 hours a week.  There were only 23 days, including Saturdays, Sundays, and Holidays, when I was absent from the office in 2015.

I recall once getting happiness and comfort from the gym. I will start 2016 with the effort to find one more thing that will make me feel worthy of being a human than work.  That will be the gym.  I can spend several hours there a day, and it will make me feel better.  What other options exist when the support from those you should get support from is critical?  Everyone looks down on you whenever you eat or dress; I do not wish that on anyone!

I would like to improve in 2016. All I know is that 2015 is among the top five worst years of my life.

Carry on, my friends, carry on!