Ever had a
“fat, ugly, or sloppy dresser attack”? It’s like being on one of those makeover
TV shows where everyone who you thought loved you shows up to tell you that you
dress like a 53-year-old Amish pimp. Then they discuss holes in the stretched-out / worn-out sweat pants or
shirt when you are not in the room. The clothes you feel
good and comfortable in as opposed to what others would wear! As you hear these statements, you
muster up all the energy not to cry on camera. For decades, these attacks were
not family and friends but me attacking my own mind. However, they have been from friends and family for the past few years and much more recently. It is
wearing me out!
I try. It is easy to see the pile of
discarded clothes on the floor. No
matter what I try on, everything makes me feel fat and is not comfortable. I purchase shirts that are too big, and
they feel worse. Jeans make my thighs look like sausages. Shirts often make me
look like Pat from SNL. Every t-shirt I own hits exactly the widest part of
my gut, making me feel like Tweedledee/Tweedledum. People make me believe I am more the Dum of the two!
I wail, “I’m so fat and ugly!” So, I wear what
makes me comfortable and get through the day without attacking myself. Then, as stated above, the vicious
verbal attacks about my choice of clothing came from friends and what I thought
were loved ones. I guess sitting
on top of a batch of C4 explosives could give me more of a comfort.
My day continues, and I see everything
through that critical and no-support lens. The grocery checker doesn’t make small
talk; when I do, they just look down. Someone questions my shoes because they
do not want to look up, as my mismatched shoes are the best part of me to them! I prefer that when they look up, they criticize the clothes I find comfortable wearing. The recent frequent critical comments from those who
supposedly love me tear at the soul to the point that you just want to
scream. The following graphic says
a lot!
Over the
years, I’ve learned some things about combating a fat, ugly, and sloppy attack! The
big one is to fake it till you make it. Even if saying the right things doesn’t make me feel better right away, they
are what I (obsessively) think and eventually believe. Have you ever tried
looking yourself in the eyes, in a mirror, and saying out loud, “I love you. Thank you for all of this and for everything you do for me. You’re beautiful.”? It
is way more complicated than it sounds. I cried the first time I got the words
out of my mouth. But it sends a compelling message to yourself that you are
not beautiful because of your body or, despite your body, that you are just
simply stunning. Period.
I have tried
to meditate, even if it’s just sitting down. I find the floor in a closet comforting. Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth
while counting my breaths makes me feel better. I swear it helps.
I don’t know where to turn emotionally. For several years, the only comfort I have had is from work, but last
year, I lost over 130 hours of vacation and averaged well over 50 hours a week. There were only 23 days, including Saturdays, Sundays, and Holidays, when I was absent from the office in 2015.
I recall once getting happiness and
comfort from the gym. I will
start 2016 with the effort to find one more thing that will make me feel worthy
of being a human than work. That
will be the gym. I can spend
several hours there a day, and it will make me feel better. What other options exist
when the support from those you should get support from is critical? Everyone looks down on you whenever you eat or
dress; I do not wish that on anyone!
I would like to improve in 2016. All I know is that 2015 is among the top five worst years of my life.
