Another Month, another life taken…

I spent most of the morning crying for someone I had only briefly known.  A young man of 16 decided life was not worth continuing and ended his life.  That makes 8 people I knew personally this year, and then there are the four I knew of but had no personal connection with who took their lives as well.

I will never understand, but at times, I wonder if I do. I have that innate ability not to quit, so I see things and approach difficult times differently. I always understand that life is what we make of it. 

I often have a co-worker who is ill and will usually complain about how much he does not enjoy his work.  He feels underappreciated and just wants to quit his job.  He said he wished he enjoyed his work half as much as I did.  He was shocked when I said I HATE my job for the past 6 months.  I despise getting up and coming to work, as it is a heavy burden with little satisfaction.  He said no one would ever know that, as I am always joyful and productive.

I explained that life is what we make of it. I explained that during many of the marathons and longer races I finished, I hated running. Riding my bicycle from Denver, Colorado, to Minneapolis, Minnesota, there were several times I hated biking. But just like life, there are ups and downs, and what shapes us is how we use attitude to get through the lows. There is joy in getting through the hell we often find before us daily.

I am at an all-time low right now.  I'm unsure anyone could tell because I know I was not put on the earth to quit and smile as I work through the lows.  It is a shame so many acquaintances have found it easier to quit.  I will never understand, and for that, I am blessed.  May you never quit and use a positive attitude to enjoy the life you have before you.

Carry on, my friends, Carry on…

52 and counting

No, this is not my 52nd marathon, my 52nd day of dieting, etc. No, I turned 52 years old. As a social experiment, I have not been on Facebook since June. Before I left the world of social media, I purposely made my birthday invisible. Last year, I had over 100 Happy Birthday wishes; this year, three… What does that mean? Nothing, but it shows that without social media, how many birthday wishes would you get?

I have something to admit…I’m not good at accepting gifts from people. I always have this awkward feeling and try to refute the gift or reduce what someone would like to give me. It may at first seem like this is really noble of me, and I think it was trying to be, but it’s not. In fact, I’m really just putting myself ahead of others.

As a teenager, I thought I didn’t want to get so excited about getting presents from people on my birthday or Christmas. This was partly to save me from any potential disappointment (yet plain black socks…again) but also because I thought that it was good to not be obsessed with “things” and presents embodied “things” to me. So there was only one option, be pessimistic, put on a dower face, and not get that excited over what was happening but instead enjoy the people around me more.

Now is that humble! I got over that whole wanting stuff thing, haven’t I…oh wait. Actually no. In many ways, I was more obsessed with things than ever before…it was just that I had the power to buy them for myself! On top of that, I was looking at things legally and not acting out of love.

When I got a present, I didn’t think about the other person at all. I just focused on how I felt and making sure that I was right. I didn’t think about the effort the other person might take in choosing a gift or anything else. This wasn’t limited to birthdays but to any gift that people wanted to give me. Every time, the same dance would occur: “Oh, you shouldn’t have…I can’t accept that, etc.”

It was all a power battle, and I was more proud than ever before. I never considered how it might be nice for someone else to give me a gift and for it to be received gratefully.

So why am I talking about receiving gifts? Well, this weekend was my 52nd birthday. For most of human history, to be old is a mark of honor. Today, it is a source of fear. Fear of losing health. Fear of losing the active lifestyle that made me happy. Fear of being poor in the retirement years. I remember when 52 seemed ancient – and now I can’t believe that I am past 50 and relentlessly getting older. I once was a fanatic about what I eat and how much I exercise daily. I would run five to six days a week, work out with weights, do resistance training a few days a week, and do core training once a week. I would go for regular semi-annual medical check-ups to monitor all the signs of health (or lack thereof).

I often let myself pig out and eat whatever I feel like eating. I eat out of stress, which usually means a lot of junk food. I am doing whatever I can to fight the relentless march of time. But the stress of life has changed me!


In celebration of my aging quickly, Shelley made me dinner and took me to a play. We went home afterward and enjoyed carrot cake. We called it a night, and I woke early to work on the backlog of items they call a job on that duty. Why am I still trying to figure out how to do my best in my profession and let myself go? I often wonder if I could do what others can for easy pay and little stress. But that is like stealing. They leisurely work through the day, reporting for work at 8:00 AM and taking 30 minutes to get ready for work and at 4:10 PM, get everything set so I can bolt out the door at 4:30 without any care.

Anyway, today, I got another gift. It was a book. I am not a fiction reader, and finding books that interest me is complicated. It was an unexpected gift. A welcomed gift. For once, I did not feel like “you shouldn’t have” or gees’, thanks so much. This was an excellent feeling. For some reason, it was a personal and caring thought that left me happy and speechless. That did not happen to me, but it was a welcomed feeling.

Oh, the book, it was “What If: Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions,” and it is a book I will be able to read over and over as it is just not a dead read, but a book that makes me think deeply, very deep.

Carry on, my friends, carry on!

Busy, lost and confused

Been working 65 to 70-hour weeks for over three months now.  I looked back and have only had 8 of the last 90 days off from work, including Saturdays and Sundays.  So little bike riding or taking care of myself.

Although my hands are about 80 percent back to normal from the long ride in May.  I need to get some time for myself.  While I am not sick of life, I really feel I have lost my life all for the sake of a job that no one could care about my efforts.  I wonder if this is what goes through the minds of the dozen people I know who took their own lives in the past few years?

I saw the video below posted, and I watched it—not once, not twice, but six straight times. It was really impacting, at least to me. We are filled with greed and what is in it for society. That needs to change!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itvnQ2QB4yc

All I know is that shortness of breath and chest tightness are regular daily issues caused by the stress of life and work. I really do not see an end to this, but there has to be... Somewhere out there... The sky is blue?

Carry on my friends....