It's funny how life turns out. It is even stranger when I make that statement with what I think will be so much life yet to live. So how can I say, "It's funny how life turns out." Is it not over?
As I sit in my office two days after losing another good friend at the tender young age of 50, I find my mind wandering. I feel the tears forming as I try to fight them so the staff walking past the office doesn't think I'm crazy. I do the square breathing method each time I can't talk to a friend or relative when I call and fear they will die. I'm losing the battle.
When I have times like these, when I lose another dear friend, I go through a period when I have nightmares and fears of who the next beloved friend I will lose in this life. It is times like these when I call a dear friend or loved one, and they do not respond for a few days; my mind torments me. It is times like these I get panic attacks as I can't control my mind streaming negative thoughts. I have an acquaintance who recently lost their father unexpectedly. These events caused me to use so much emotional energy to fight the fears and pessimistic thoughts of who would be next. It usually takes a month or two to slap myself back to reality, and I can sleep and control the useless emotional issue of death.
This death brings back memories of when my Grandmother passed away. Although this was not as hard on me directly, it was hard on my Dad. But the death made me relive Dana's death. Death is an unknown and unrelenting action.
I recall as a child, sex was a taboo subject, and death was not. Now, America seems to speak freely about sex, but death has become a subject we'd rather not talk about. I often thought about why I do not talk about death? In general, human beings are afraid of death. It is related to the fear of the unknown. The question is: Is there life after death?
I used to be firmly convinced that there is nothing after death. This made me very afraid and desperate. I remember that as a child, sometimes, while lying in my bed, I suddenly realized there would come a day that I wouldn't exist anymore. It was such a big and horrible thing to think about.
As a young adult, my three-year-old nephew died. I still recall the words from the pastor who stated, "Death is not to be feared or saddened as God has a life for us all." He said, "Aaron lived a full life that God gave him, even if only three years." He challenged us to live the life we have and cherish every moment, as that is what Aaron did?
I can't help but wonder how I got here. Meaning this point in my life. I'm 51 years old, yet some say I'm 51 years old. A total of 51 years have passed. My childhood is long gone, and I am still waiting for my mid-life crisis. The innocence of playing, dear friends who will never die, and not having any worries seems gone. Strangely, as I am more stressed now when I am not counting every penny, I have a good home and car, and I can afford leisure and relaxation. However, leisure and relaxation only create increased stress and worry. Makes no sense.
My twenties went by in a flash. Even though I earned my Graduate Degree, was a husband, a father, a homeowner, and a supposed working professional, I often didn't mature until my mid-to-late 40s.
As I embark on into my fifties, I'm sadly finding some contentment in being alone. It's like a curse, a curse I knew would eventually haunt me. This isn't quite how I'd imagined it would come to fruition in my 50s. I have known too many people who died too soon and missed out on so much. I'm alive and missing out on what I thought life would be. It's funny how life turns out.
Rest in peace, Monica… You will be missed.
