Covid, 2020, work and Grandpa

The entire world is trying to move on from 2020 as we near 2021. 2021 has an appropriate meaning as the end of a bad year. This is because COVID-19 and 2020 really ruined so many activities and minimized maintaining friendships. So when I get to 2021, I will emphasize that 2020 won! It was the year that kicked the bottom out of everyday life.

The year had some bicycle riding, but something different from the previous year.  I completed 168 rides for 1,937 miles and just under 126 hours.  That is almost half the 3,567 miles and 267 rides in 2019.  Much results from working from home due to COVID-19 for about 7 months.  I purchased a Whahoo Kickr trainer and joined Zwift a year ago, but I rode only a few hundred miles.   2021 will find time for more enjoyable rides.  Work has created the most significant roadblock.  That has been true for the past 5 years, but 2020 was worse.

With work from home, 2020 did not bring a healthy year for a work/life balance.  I worked just under 3,000 hours and lost several weeks of vacation.  I am to blame as the work from home resulted in a loss of productivity.  The budget cuts eliminated most overtime options, so the two of the staff who are not eligible for overtime, me being one of them, pick up the slack.  Sure, I could get behind, but in many cases, people wait on our reviews to achieve a long-term goal or start a job to feed the family.  I am not comfortable saying just wait because we are busy.  I have the deep, stubborn North Dakota farm boy in me and care for other people who are impacted positively by getting items completed.  I once had a college professor, Curtis Arthur Amlund, say, "Londell, I am so glad you're not a woman; you can't say no to anyone."

On a lighter note, I heard a great joke I had to share last week.  Some rolled their eyes, yet I really loved the humor.  It goes like this:

What two men routinely hang out near a window?  Curt and Rod - if you do not get it, say that fast.

Well, that is the type of humor I enjoy.  

On December 19, I don't know what caused the flurry of emotions.  I felt strongly about my grandfather, and I felt like I needed to talk to him.  My grandfather was instrumental in teaching me many things I know about life for those who do not know.  He was a remarkable man.  So, on short notice, I decided to skip my girlfriend's small family gathering and drove to Glover, North Dakota.  It was a lovely day, and I took pictures with a sample below.

It was a great visit, yet confusing.   The gravestone had a last name that was not spelled the same way. Conducted additional research and found that when my great-grandparents emigrated from Germany, the World War created some animosity toward Germans.    o, the German last name Pies was changed to Pease. Was astonished!

Carry on, my friends, Carry on.

It's my birthday?

Yesterday was my 58th day on earth.  The day before, I took a day trip with Shelley to the north shore for hiking and photo opportunities.  The weather cooperated fully, and we could hike for several hours.  Due to COVID concerns, we left home at 6:00 AM and made the destination by 10:00 AM.  We slowly started to drive back, hitting several hiking stops and returning home just before 9:00 PM.  I will share some photos later.

There was nothing strange about that trip except Shelley's father called a day early to say happy birthday.  My son called on my birthday but asked what I was doing for my birthday and what I wanted.  He did not say happy birthday.  My oldest son sent a text and asked if it was my birthday, and he said happy birthday, just in case.

What was strange is that, other than those stated above, no one else called to say happy birthday—not my parents, sister, girlfriend's daughters, or anyone I would consider family.  In the past, they all called or texted to say happy birthday.

How do I feel about that outcome? Is everyone focused on COVID-19 and forgot about it? I'm unsure of something that upset them, and they did not want to celebrate another year for me on earth. Was it a strange coincidence, or have I lost touch with those who make up my little family?  

Either way, it is what it is, and I need to move on without letting it bother me, but it does.

In other news, anemia has affected my teeth and me.  I always want to chew ice.  When this gets worse, I know as I chew more and lose focus to avoid the activity.  Since battling Anemia for three years now, I am now on my third implant as I have destroyed some teeth.  With COVID, I avoided getting the needed labs.  In June 2017, which resulted in a hospital stay, my Hemoglobin was 6.8.  With three infusions, it increased to 15.3 by August.  In August 2018, Hemoglobin was 12.1; another infusion increased to 15.1.  In March 2019, Hemoglobin was 12.2, and another injection increased to 16.2.  

I started feeling bad in December of 2019, and due to a change of insurance, I could only get labs once I set a relationship with the new care provided under the new insurance program.  After a few months, I finally had that scheduled for Late March 2020.  The COVID causes a cancellation from the provider.  It was in July of 2020 that I was able to get in, and the Hemoglobin was 11.8.  This physician needed to be higher, even with my history, to get another infusion.  Instead, they told me to take iron tablets for a few months, even though that causes a more significant problem with stomach pain.  

In late August, I called to get an appointment due to stomach pain and was told that my preferred provider has no opening until January 2021.  So, I guess my Hemoglobin will just go down until I am hospitalized again.  I think my stomach is possibly bleeding from the iron, which I assume will make it worse?  Ultimately, insurance and I will pay 10 times as much to treat the known issue.

I am not sure about much except one thing.  COVID has not killed anyone I know.  I would say "yet" as I wonder if it is just time that will kill someone I love or me.  Like no family members wishing me happy birthday, I can't dwell on the fact of COVID-19, either.  

Carry on, my friends, carry on...

15 weeks boring every day

Like many Americans, I have been working from home due to the virus.  On that first day at home, I noted that productivity decreased due to the masses on the VPN reducing capacity.  I have about 250 Mbps at the office, yet on the VPN, 40 Mbps was a good day.  As a result, doing the job takes about 20 to 30 percent more time to accomplish the tasks once completed in the office in a typical 45-50-hour week. 

As a result, in the past 15 weeks, I have been working every day, including weekends.  As of today, my average workweek is 69.6 hours work week.  I know this is unhealthy, but I didn't realize the options besides not doing the work.  My girlfriend says that when it comes time for possible layoffs, they may look at my division as we complete the job.  Yet, I am still waiting for someone to listen to my concern about the activity level I currently require to keep the necessary tasks completed.  This is taking me down a path of self-destruction.  The good news is I am aware of the impact and taking steps to minimize the issues.  Things can only get better.  The main point is I am so happy to be employed!

The second concern, in addition to the health concerns I am trying to address, is that in January, I was forced to change health insurance and have a PPO.  So, even though I am aware of the three long-term health issues I have been dealing with (breathing, blood clot risk, and anemia), I did not establish a relationship with the new PPO clinic/Dr.  With the stress added to working from home and the decreased social activity, I may have the iron-deficiency anemia I have been fighting for years.  In 2019, I only had two infusions.  This improved from the four in 2018 and the lost count in 2017.  The last injection was in July last year.  Therefore, after several weeks of having many iron deficiency anemia symptoms, including but not limited to:

• Extreme fatigue and weakness
• Sleep issues
• Pale skin
• Chest pain, fast heartbeat, or shortness of breath
• Headache and dizziness
• Cold feet
• High Anxiety 
• Weight gain: Although I track all calories and nutrition and stay under 2,000 daily (high-quality calories), I have gained 25 pounds since last September.
• I have found myself chewing ice - often!

Today, I logged on to my PPO clinic (Fairview in Eagan, MN) to make an appointment. The website stated that there were no online appointments and that you should call a specific number. I called and waited and waited and waited for 25 minutes. The caller on the other line was friendly, said they were not taking in-person appointments, and suggested I go to the emergency room if I was concerned. 

WHAT - I explained after four years of battling the anemia, I could tell them to do a blood draw to see if there was an issue.  I also stated a D-Dimmer would be good to verify there are no indications of clots.  I had not experienced extreme calf pain like in 2017 when I was hospitalized, but so many other symptoms concern me.  Why would I have to pay hundreds of dollars more (and more for the insurance company) to do a blood test?  After arguing for about 20 minutes, they set me up with a 10-minute phone consultation for the next day.  I felt like he was doing me a favor. 

So, tomorrow, I will try to get a referral for the lab.  I am not anticipating any success, yet it was either that or ER.  With the COVID issue, I want to avoid the ER and the hospital; if these issues do not kill me, COVID-19 is one thing I am doing my best to avoid.

Until next time, Carry on, my friends, carry on!

Amateur I am

I enjoy photography.  I have posted some of my photos in the past few years.  I do my best to capture scenes and events that, when people see them, fill them with thoughts or emotions.  Sometimes, it is a running event where they can feel the pain or effort of the athlete.  Sometimes, it is a waterfall or nature scene that provides serenity.

This past week, I had the chance to photograph my girlfriend and her two granddaughters meeting the four-year-old baby sister/granddaughter for the first time.  I was nervous!  Could I capture the emotion?  Could I get that perfect image that you sense the feeling every time you see it?

Below are some of the shots; I am proud of the result.

What do you think?  Did they create emotion or thoughts, or are they just another image?

Carry on, my friends, carry on!

Stay in place lifted!

Minnesota stay-at-home lifted?  Is that a good idea?  Is it the right choice?  There are very aggressive opinions on both sides of the argument.  I heard a comparison to war; the rich will do anything to keep getting rich, even if it kills people.  I listened to another question: If we have an aggressor, do we have to fight back?  Who knows?  I do not. 

This pandemic has been very hard on all involved.  I have spent a great deal of time being sensitive to co-workers and their mental health, filling in the gaps to keep the mental state healthy.  Yet I am actually starting to think that maybe this locked-up time results in me being depressed.  Since the work at home, I have had an average work week of just under 70 hours a week.  Maybe it is not depressed but burning out?  My feelings are more than “I feel bad” or “I am an angry old man.”  I felt like I was behind a veil in a dark room?  I started asking myself, why don’t you pick yourself up?  The issue is I do not answer; I only ask.

I know that workplace failures or poor leadership can leave workers feeling low.  The daily grind is wearing many of us down.  I fully understand that mental illness short-term disability claims are growing by 10% annually, according to the Center for Workplace Mental Health.  The brain strain of a depressed work environment costs serious money.  Depression is a leading cause of productivity loss in the United States.  I recently read that an annual cost is between $40 and $50 billion.  

Studies estimate employers lose 27 work days per depressed worker, with two-thirds coming from “presenteeism” - when workers are present but less productive.  There are clear connections between work stress and depression.  This is due to small doses of acute stress (working toward occasional deadlines or giving a big presentation), which can cue your fight-or-flight response in an excellent way to boost performance. Chronic stress (constant deadlines or police officers in the line of fire daily) is linked to depression, heart disease, high blood pressure, and type II diabetes.

As a supervisor, I understand this to help those around me.  But what happens if your leaders have a different awareness?  Sometimes, I have no control as the issues increase and complexities grow immensely.

So, is it OK to go back to the office?  Is it safe to fill up with gas?  Is it safe to go to the Doctor (I am 5 weeks behind from my last iron count test as my anemia has improved, yet I still need occasional infusions (three last year), and I feel like my iron is low again?  Yet, am I safer not going?

Confusion and instability grow, and I am still trying to figure out the correct answer?

Carry on, my friends, carry on!

Family, yea they care?

A little over 31 years ago, my ex-wife's labor began in earnest one April evening in 1989, and in the middle of Murphy Brown, over 30 hours later, a child was born.  I've wanted to freeze time, to capture the perfection of a toothy giggle or a cozy morning snuggle for all eternity.  Fruitless feelings, of course, but such is parenthood.  So many things are out of our control, which is liberating and terrifying.  That's not to say there is no warning.  For me, weekends are a dress rehearsal for empty nest syndrome: the children sleep all day and disappear in the evenings.  I wouldn't know they lived here if they didn't take money from my pockets.

Fast-forward to numerous changes.  Thirty-one years later, I find myself in possession of loneliness.  This intensifies as I hear my girlfriend preach about the importance of family.  She tells me that my lack of appreciation for a family is unfortunate.  Family is important, yet when it comes down to the basics of life, we are all individuals and will do what is best for ourselves.

This has intensified recently.  My girlfriend's daughter had a baby girl, to the great joy of my girlfriend, although they lived in Cincinnati, Ohio, and we were in Minnesota.  Her daughter moved back to Minnesota with sheer delight when her only grandchild was one year old. 

Since then, there have been two more grandchildren, and she was so happy.  She emphasizes the importance of family and how this was heaven.  Then, she was informed they were moving to Tennessee.  My girlfriend was crushed.  For several weeks, she cried in sadness over the move.  She became less happy, and this has impacted her significantly.  We had talked a little about it, and it has been about a month since an old friend called her, and she was talking about her OUTSTANDING time with her grandchildren.  Then she broke out in tears.

I am not much help as I reminded her what I said when they moved here.  I reminded her that people do not genuinely care about their families; they do what they want for the next adventure, and they will leave.  She said her family is close, and they would not do that.  Now, she's wrong, 

I guarantee her grandchildren will be sad not seeing Grammy several times a month. But it confirms my statement that a family is second to each one's desires. I've been there, chasing self-improvement and advancement over the family. As I age, I see things differently, and that is a fact.
My point in all this?  The fact is nothing is confident in life.  People will come and go, but we will always remember some.  Physical illness will go away, and weight loss seems impossible.  The only sure thing is that each of us controls our destiny; seldom does that include any care to the family.  A family becomes an excellent family, different from 50 years ago.  I fear relationships and family have been sliding downhill for decades, and I see nothing to give me hope that will change.

Enough ranting.  I am just frustrated seeing someone I care deeply about often cry because of the actions of the one she usually referred to as the daughter who puts family first.  And being the cold, heartless jerk I can be sometimes, I just said, "Oh right, the importance of family" is not reality.

CARRY ON MY FRIENDS, CARRY ON

Yes I am alive

Life has become more difficult in the human age.  Working an average of 50-hour workweeks and 50-plus-hour all the stress has been so demanding.  Sleep has been atrocious.  It is hard to stay healthy and maintain a healthy weight when you are exhausted, and sleep is difficult.  Below are the past two nights analyzed:

Thursday night to Friday morning (2/20 to 2/21)

Wednesday night to Thursday morning (2/19 to 2/20)

That sleep pattern is not healthy.  Research suggests an association between sleep restriction and negative changes in metabolism.  In adults, sleeping four hours a night, compared with 10 hours a night, increases hunger and appetite.  I can verify that issue!

Observational studies also suggest a link between sleep restriction and obesity.  One explanation might be that sleep duration affects hormones regulating hunger — ghrelin and leptin.  Another contributing factor might be that lack of sleep leads to fatigue and results in less physical activity.

One thing I know is when I get tired, I get emotional.  As some may know, the past three years have been trying for my girlfriend as her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about four years ago and degraded until she passed last summer.

This morning, I heard about the last song Glen Campbell wrote, "I am not going to miss you." I just started to cry.  For him to write that knowing it would be the result of his final time with us after being diagnosed is unheard of in society.  The lyrics are:

I'm still here, but yet I'm gone
I don't play guitar or sing my songs
They never defined who I am
The man that loves you 'til the end

You're the last person I will love
You're the last face I will recall
And best of all, I'm not gonna miss you
Not gonna miss you

I'm never gonna hold you like I did
Or say I love you to the kids
You're never gonna see it in my eyes
It's not gonna hurt me when you cry

I'm never gonna know what you go through
All the things I say or do
All the hurt and all the pain
One thing selfishly remains

I'm not gonna miss you
I'm not gonna miss you

If you want to see it on YouTube, check it out here.

I am trying to get this under control. It will be more comfortable when I retire, as the political environment and job stress are at an all-time high!

On the exercise side, I purchased a Wahoo KiCKR indoor trainer to get a few hundred bike miles monthly.  I'm looking forward to being outside in a few weeks.

I will do regular entries, but I don't have time.  They say it reduces stress, and I may try it!

Carry on, my friends, carry on!