Where is the man I used to be?

The man I once was, when I had no worries, has been gone for decades.  Slowly chipping away at the inner soul.  I'm sorry for being grumpy.  I'm sorry for not being much fun these days.  I'm sorry for not seeing the brighter side.  I'm sorry for rarely laughing.

Sometimes, after working more than 60 hours a week for years on end to make ends meet, to do the best I can, and to try to make sure everyone else is OK, it's hard to see the funny side, and it's hard to see things rationally.

I am not making excuses.  I don't want to make excuses.  But along with my apology, I want you all to know that this sleep-deprived, distracted, forgetful, impatient, and snappy man you now see before you isn't the man I thought I would be or want to be.

I wish I was still that man who smiled just because I could or because there was something inside that made me smile.  I wish I were still the man who did not work myself to death and found something I enjoy.  I wish I could work without the constant fear of consequences for a simple decision.  I wish I were still a man you laughed with like nothing else in the world mattered but my silly joke.  I wish I were still that man who had the confidence to believe in himself and simply accept that everything would work out.  I wish I were still that man with the energy, patience, and creativity to make life fun.  I wish I were still a man who was difficult to find fault with, unlike now when most people continually point out flaws in me!

Maybe, one day, I'll find him again.

But right now, I am lost.  I am lost in a job that pushes me to the limits and makes me feel like I am not doing enough.  Lost in a life that is sleep, work, sleep, work…  I recently looked at I have only had 9 days off this year.  That includes weekends and Holidays.  (There have been 4 holidays and 26 weekends, 52 days so far this year.)  So, of the 78 days, most people are off, I had 9…  I know it is my fault, but I am unsure what else to do!

Please continue to bear with me.  I don't know if I deserve that but just stay with me for a while.  In time, I hope the man we all liked is back.

Carry on, my friends, carry on!