Where is the man I used to be?

The man I once was, when I had no worries, has been gone for decades.  Slowly chipping away at the inner soul.  I'm sorry for being grumpy.  I'm sorry for not being much fun these days.  I'm sorry for not seeing the brighter side.  I'm sorry for rarely laughing.

Sometimes, after working more than 60 hours a week for years on end to make ends meet, to do the best I can, and to try to make sure everyone else is OK, it's hard to see the funny side, and it's hard to see things rationally.

I am not making excuses.  I don't want to make excuses.  But along with my apology, I want you all to know that this sleep-deprived, distracted, forgetful, impatient, and snappy man you now see before you isn't the man I thought I would be or want to be.

I wish I was still that man who smiled just because I could or because there was something inside that made me smile.  I wish I were still the man who did not work myself to death and found something I enjoy.  I wish I could work without the constant fear of consequences for a simple decision.  I wish I were still a man you laughed with like nothing else in the world mattered but my silly joke.  I wish I were still that man who had the confidence to believe in himself and simply accept that everything would work out.  I wish I were still that man with the energy, patience, and creativity to make life fun.  I wish I were still a man who was difficult to find fault with, unlike now when most people continually point out flaws in me!

Maybe, one day, I'll find him again.

But right now, I am lost.  I am lost in a job that pushes me to the limits and makes me feel like I am not doing enough.  Lost in a life that is sleep, work, sleep, work…  I recently looked at I have only had 9 days off this year.  That includes weekends and Holidays.  (There have been 4 holidays and 26 weekends, 52 days so far this year.)  So, of the 78 days, most people are off, I had 9…  I know it is my fault, but I am unsure what else to do!

Please continue to bear with me.  I don't know if I deserve that but just stay with me for a while.  In time, I hope the man we all liked is back.

Carry on, my friends, carry on!

From Eggs to Empty Nest

About six weeks ago, my girlfriend entered the house like a three-year-old who had just opened the best Christmas present ever. She was excited as Robin had built a nest in the waning flower basket on the front porch. Below is the life sequence.

It all started with Eggs on May 23.

May 26, where did the eggshells go?

June 5

June 9, 2015

June 13

RIP Grandma's Marathon 1984-2014 - for me anyway!

It is over!  There will be no 31^st consecutive Grandma's Marathon finish.  There are a few reasons for this decision.  

• First, the forecast is severe thunderstorms; at 52 years old, I do not need to spend 6 hours trying to finish a marathon in poor weather.  
• Second, I have had severe ankle pain since last fall and even spent time in physical therapy, which heeled me for a while.
• Lastly, my health.  As I had written on May 29, the Doctor discovered a bleeding ulcer.  While I have tried to gain an advantage and improve my health, I have yet to be successful.  I decided to have a follow-up before the race.   It was not good, and he advised heavily against the effort. 

Long-term fatigue has many causes, but now my hemoglobin is very low.  I still cringe when he uses the word anemia. Low hemoglobin may be a temporary problem remedied by eating more iron-rich foods or taking a multivitamin containing iron.  But in this case, it is more from the internal bleeding I am failing to control.  I blame my job for most of the stress.  I have never experienced job stress at a level like I have in the past six months.  I do not see it getting better.

So, for months, I have held on to the longest consistent part of my life, Grandma's Marathon.  Until a few hours ago, I would ignore the Doctor and do it anyway.  I want to go wrong, as the thought of not going is depressing.  Makes me want to ask, what else is there?  

All streaks need to end, but I feel empty right now.  I feel like my heart is ripped from my chest.  Maybe it is my heart that bleeds, not my stomach.  

Either way, my consecutive finishes at Grandma's Marathon are over.  RIP to the last consistent (30-year) part of my life.

Carry on, my friends, carry on!

Burnout

I am near job burnout. I have tried and worked 70-hour weeks, but I am ready to throw up my arms and work a 40-45-hour week, and people will just have to wait. These past several months have been a special type of job stress—a state of physical, emotional, or mental exhaustion combined with doubts about my competence and the value of my work.

I have you become cynical or critical at work.  I drag myself to work and have trouble getting started once you arrive.  I am becoming irritable or impatient with co-workers, customers, or clients.  I have low energy.  I need more satisfaction from my achievements.  I have terrible sleep habits.  I am troubled by unexplained headaches, backaches, or other physical complaints?

I have a total lack of control.  An inability to influence decisions that affect my job — such as your schedule, assignments, or workload.   We have such a significant lack of the resources you need to do your work.  Work takes up so much time and effort that I don't have the energy to spend time with my family and friends.

Yes, I identify so strongly with work that I lack a reasonable balance between my work and personal life, and I need to stop trying to be everything to everyone.

So, the consequences I feel fully are excessive stress, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety, and obesity, which all lead to high stroke potential.  I need to pull my head out of my ass before it kills me!

Carry on, my friends, carry on…

Back to back bicycle commutes

I had two lovely biking days in Minnesota.  The 60-degree morning and the 70-degree ride home with slight winds was a welcomed change.  This is the first back-to-back ride since last year.  I find the 17.7-mile one-way ride with an elevation gain of 600 feet and elevation loss of 800 feet refreshing on the way to work.  The ride in the morning is slightly more manageable.  The ride home is a little more challenging with the 200 feet of elevation gain, net, and much less refreshing.  In fact, I get home and hate the ride.  It could be more due to the terrible time at work.

I really needed the rides.  Work is pure hell and almost unbearable.  I feel like I am losing all control.  I am so far behind that I have people yelling at me for returning the phone calls and e-mails as soon as possible, a few days after I get them.  Yesterday at noon, I had 207 e-mails and 56 voicemails behind.  I dedicated all 6 hours yesterday and 12 hours today to nothing but gaining ground on the mess.  My to-do list is now over 100 items long and growing.  I will work another 24-hour weekend and get the list down to 50 items.  Like I said, I am at the end of the four-wick candle, burning both ends and the center.

Today was a first.  I thought I was riding in dry snow!  The cottonwood trees were snowing.  The most challenging part was breathing without taking in those little furballs.  I have never experienced this issue before and hope I am not privileged again.

The other issue is the impact of the economic downturn almost a decade ago is evident.  The general practice is reducing infrastructure maintenance to soften a budget in difficult financial times.  The bike trails must be better maintained, so I may need a fat bike soon to traverse the terrain.  The main roads could be better; I am contemplating taking the 22-mile ride to work on local streets, as there are fewer Country roads and poorly maintained trails.  I wish I was kidding, but the bike jarring is unacceptable.

I anticipate riding to work often in June.  One of three possible ways to cross the Minnesota River is closing for June.  The last time that happened, the typical stress-filled, angry driver commute was longer in the car than on the bike.  Again, 17.7 miles by bike and only 11 miles by car, yet the bike is the faster option.

So, two in a row is good.  Let me see where that takes me…  Carry on, my friends, carry on…

MacGyver?

This evening, my girlfriend was moving her daughter to her new condo.  She rented a U-Haul trailer, and they loaded it without issue.  When I returned from work (late at 8:30 PM), I decided to help her with the last load so she could get home and to bed before it was too late. 

We had great timing, and I was thrilled that at 9:55 PM, we were heading home.  She called me scared about a mile from the condo and 20 miles from the U-Haul return location and home.  She said the hitch fell off the car, and the trailer flailed all over the road.  She managed to stop without hitting another vehicle or her own.  She was frantic and did not know how to solve the problem.  Looking at the situation, I realized the hitch pin was gone. 

So what do you do after 10:00 PM with no stores within 15 miles that would have a hitch pin?  I was guessing only Walmart was possible at that hour.  I went a few blocks away to the Holiday Station store.  Walking around the store, I tried to think of anything to use as a hitchpin.  Then I saw a pair of pliers.  If I took the pliers apart and stuck the narrow end in the pin location, it would create a pin.  Then, it would work using a bungee cord attached to the pivot hole and wrapping it around the hitch to hold it in place.

So, I purchased a $4.29 pair of pliers and put a bungee in the car.  Within minutes, we were on the road and had no issues.  I still have that MacGyver touch!  The funny thing is, when I said this to her daughter, she said, “Who?” How many people know what I mean by a “MacGyver touch”?”

Life goes on, so carry on, my friends, carry on!