Hit the back button and move on to a more inspiring post. I am writing this to vent and complain, and I will use this as a place to SCREAM and hopefully feel better.
Then I think of Jordan Schmidt. Schmidt is from Ramsey, Minnesota, and has been running since his early teens. He fully identifies himself as a runner, finding it the keystone to balance the rest of his life. No matter how much it may be a part of Schmidt's life, running will always be a challenge... mainly such strenuous marathons. Diagnosed with asthma as an infant, he managed to control that while remaining active, only to discover in his teen years that there was an inoperable tumor in his brain. So, at the young age of 20, Schmidt does not identify himself as someone with asthma or someone with health issues. He views himself as a runner. He states there's no other option for him, so he is not going to let the tumor and asthma run his life.
With that, I will continue to fight and drudge through this health issue and grow old.
Both of these inspiring humans have battled health issues much longer than I, and their diagnosis is a far more significant challenge than I face. I get frustrated with everything in my life. I am exhausted; just trying to get through the day! I am so tired of internal bleeding and the pain. It is driving me crazy. It wakes me at night, and I have been sleeping about 4 hours a night while I wake and, at times, drop a tear in pain. Just so hard to deal with the issue, and seems I will never cease being anemic.
I spend so much emotional energy just hiding the pain and difficulties all around me that when the day ends, I am mentally drained. Of course, it does not help that I feel that my job is sucking the life out of my soul. I still spend 55-60 hours a week, giving it my all to be the best I can be in the position. In the first six months, I logged 1,603 hours, and no, I do not get overtime. Recall the typical full-time employee who works 2,080 hours, which is reduced to about 1,920 hours during vacations and holidays. I expect to reach 3,000 hours. I am proud of working regular hours and do not care if we do not get things done.
I was also told by my physician, whom I regularly see as I have immense chest pains. He made it clear that I need to reduce my stress. I have very high stress levels. I looked at early retirement, but that is not financially an option right now. I need to wait about four more years, and then I can retire (age 60). Even then, I should be financially secure in retirement, yet I must be VERY frugal. It would be best if I held out to 62 or 63, but in my job, I believe it will kill me if I try to make it the long.
So many times a day, I want to scream right now to "grab myself from the bootstraps" and pull my rear end off the ground.
As soon as I wrote that quote, I thought, what does that mean? During a web search, I found that the origin of "grab myself from the bootstraps" isn't unknown. Much speculation! It refers to boots and the straps that some shoes have attached to help the wearer pull them on and to the imagined feat of lifting oneself off the ground by pulling on one's bootstraps. This impossible task exemplifies the achievement of getting out of a problematic situation through one's efforts. It was known by the early 20th century. James Joyce alluded to it in Ulysses, 1922: "There were others who had forced their way to the top from the lowest rung by the aid of their bootstraps."
More explicit use of the phrase comes a little later, from Kunitz & Haycraft's British Authors of the 19th Century: "A poet who lifted himself by his bootstraps from an obscure versifier to the ranks of real poetry." Some early computers used bootstrapping, which alludes to this phrase. This involved loading a small amount of code, which was then used to load more complex code progressively until the machine was ready. This led to using the term 'booting' to start a computer. I digress!
I also have been saddened (selfishly so) yet so happy for my son. He has become so independent and self-sufficient. He travels well over 250 days a year. He has a girlfriend who I think is an outstanding person, just a GEM, and I hope he realizes how special she is to him! With this independence, he will come for an occasional weekend (three days), and about 2/3rd the time, he is working or sleeping. Then he has activities he enjoys; I am happy he visits his grandparents, and I typically spend 3 to 4 hours with him the entire three days. While I may desire more, I am delighted he has his time occupied as I was concerned if I do not overcome these health issues and pass away, I know he is well prepared for life without me. That is a good feeling.
Then my girlfriend. She had to put her mother, who has Alzheimer's, into a home. Her father is aging and has many challenges. She has to be the guardian, providing so much care and concern for her parents. They live 300 miles away and travel often. She has also never experienced death, and when it is time for her parents to go, she will be at rock bottom. I need to be strong for her! I do not talk about my health issues with her. I use the little energy I have to keep positive and hide the pain.
At the same time, she now has two granddaughters and a grandson on the way. They draw her away often. Whenever we plan something, something comes up. She has a dog, a golden retriever, that is demanding and spoiled. I must spend a lot of time caring for the dog as she is busy. Her job is becoming highly challenging and stressful for her, as well. Even though we live together, we are lucky to spend a few hours a week together when she is stressed about aging, her parents, and the demands of life. I spend more time caring for her dog than with her.
Overall, I have really accomplished so much in my life. I am at the point of feeling content in life, only sick of bloody stool, infusions, and pain. Not sure it can get more fulfilling,
I heard a Jason Aldean song, and when I hear the chorus, part of it rings intensely:
Found love, I thought I would never find
Sometimes, I cannot believe this life is mine
And I am not planning on leaving yet
But the truth is, you just never know
And if this is as good as it gets
Man, I think I am good to go
I am good to go
With that, I will continue to fight and drudge through this health issue, grow old, and try to live, which gets more complex every day!
Carry on, my friends, carry on...
