In 2014, I wrote about five people over 50 who committed suicide within a short period. It's so difficult to comprehend that it was over three years ago! Two of those I knew well, two were acquaintances, and one was famous. All were in a state of financial independence, and few life issues were there, yet they ended their time on earth? These past few days, I heard of three others I assume would be on top of the world with little fear or concern over a livelihood. Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain and Ines Zorreguieta.
Yesterday, I read a New York Times article that stated, "In 2016, there were more than twice as many suicides as homicides." Why? I will never know, and we can't ask the deceased. It is not like I am surprised; I almost can empathize. As we age, we can't do what we like to do anymore. We have worn bodies and souls. The people we cherish have often moved on, and we have become second nature. We are losing loved ones around us regularly.
I think back to one instance where a father to two girls committed suicide. His wife of about 20 years was asking for a divorce. From what I was told, deep into college, his girls were distant. I knew he had called one girl the night before, but she purposely ignored the call and let it go to voice mail. The next day, she got the call no one should have received. Could she have saved him? Who knows if she would have only taken the call and reminded him he was essential and she loved him. Often, people attribute these actions to stress or compounding life's troubles.
While I am not at the point where I am stress-free, I am at an all-time high for stress. We are busier than ever at work and have 20 percent less staff than in 2007 before the crash. I work, on average, 55-60 hours a week. We recently had two millennial employees go on paternity leave for several weeks, which resulted in working every day for 32 days and an average of 8.6 hours a day. It might not seem like much, but that was 32 days straight.
During that stretch, I had little time to think about how miserable I may feel about aging or other issues that I assume drive others to suicide. I get thoughts of it when I am not working on something every second. "Why am I here" or "Who would even care if I was gone." However, this causes my mind to race, and sleep is minimal - an average of about 4.5 hours a night. If I was not always on the move, would I think about things that are depressing and probable factors in the actions taken by many?
It also has another impact. I went to the Heart Specialist a few weeks ago, and he made it clear I will not be here in the next few years unless I get a handle on my stress. We have discussed actions that need to be taken, and the sad part is that I am not sure I care. I am not suicidal, yet I am content with my life. Many mistakes haunt me, yet there have been rewards. I continue to make more mistakes as we age; we are not as vibrant as when we were young.
This also has to do with body weight. The Doctor is clear that my high stress and low sleep drop my metabolism so small that even though I eat very healthily and monitor all intake, including vitamins and minerals, I will gain weight. Often, I feel like I gain weight when I eat an apple or a banana. Looking back, I remember being in my best athletic shape when I had little stress and slept well. There is a correlation.
Anyway, what is the purpose of this post? It is that I am troubled. I am troubled as I think I understand the actions of those who ended their life. That is scary, and it is sometimes better to write about fears to help work through them. That is what this post is about, to remind me quitting is not suitable for anyone, but I need to stop some things to reduce my stress, or I will be committing suicide in a less than publicized way, naturally through stress destroying the heart, body, and soul.
Carry on, my friends, carry on.
