308 pounds - WOW

SHIT, how did I get here?  I can't find my way out.  Some have heard me complain about my life, and I am sure it is shitty to read.  Why bother?  I have a great life but can't see that right now.

A decade ago, I loved going to work. I worked hard to support my employer's needs and lived check to check. I often wondered if I could feed my child and myself. I was doing everything I could to make ends meet. I was happy.

Now, I make twice as much a month as I need to live on; I have no debt and hate going to work.  Why?  I do not know.  I know I am getting lost in the hustle and bustle and not sure what I want anymore from this life.  As I wrote earlier, I have several friends who commit suicide.  I know one man who did this after his kids grew up and had little care or concern for him.  A loving girlfriend saves me.  But this is hard to accept as I believe I am a burden to her!  I am concerned.

Anyway, sleep has been poor.  I was three to four times a night.  My stomach is in pain often.  I need to get back to health somehow.  But How?

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Not a good night

 Last night, I slept rather poorly. My muscles are sore, and I am really out of shape. It was 7 a.m. when the dog made me get up. I took him on a bike ride, about 1.5 miles of running. He needed the workout.  

I rested for a while before buying a small freezer at Best Buy. It did not fit in the car, but gladly, a friend was close, and she picked it up for me. After getting the freezer all setup, I had to rebuild a shelf. I also mowed the lawn and cleaned the garage. All in all, it was a successful day.

Yet I feel exhausted and have intense stomach pains.  I need to get a diet and exercise to lose weight!  I am just sore all the time and so tired. It was 8:15 before I went to lie down, and if it were as usual, it would be house before I fell asleep.  Sucks.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Been a while?

I have let this opportunity slip.  Writing makes life better! I beige that statement!  It’s been three years, and life is not getting better.  I hated that most of the stuff I wrote was complaining.  I try to be positive!

Those who know me know I have dedicated my life to raising my son.  Not now that my son is 27, he criticizes me for being who I am.  He will only answer his phone if he needs something, and he becomes more distant if I am not there in an instant.  He is secretive and is not close to anyone.  He is successful, has an income greater than mine, and works hard.  I get so sad knowing I gave up half my life and most of my adult life trying to do the right thing.  I guess I failed?

In the past few years, I have known several fathers my age who committed suicide.  I am not nearing taking that action, although I often wish illness or other action could remove me from the earth.  I'm just tired and have no one to care.  Work is the only thing that keeps me going, and I hate going to the office!!!  I work over 50 hours a week.  My body is so sore I have difficulty doing anything I love.  I also do everything possible, and I seem to be gaining weight.  I am well over 300 pounds!!! Just frustrating!

Well, today, my girlfriend was out of town dealing with her mother, who has Alzheimer’s. I woke at 5:00 AM. I relaxed a little before taking the dog for a bike ride, about 2 miles. At 7:30, I left to help Erik and Allison build their patio. I took the dog with me so he did not have to be locked in the house. It was 11:00 AM when the rain started hard. By 1:00, we called it a day.  

I went to IKEA and picked up a shelf, and I spent much of the rest of the day setting it up and cleaning it. At 8 p.m., I took the dog for a bike ride before calling it a day. It was just another day—not a happy day! 

Carry on my friends, carry on!

10 weeks, I need to write more

It has been 10 weeks since I last posted on the blog.  I could make all kinds of excuses, but they are just that—excuses.

It has been a hard few months.  Work is much more stressful, and I am having a tough time.  I am looking forward to my day at the office.  But then, almost every day, I go to the office.  Since January 1, I have had 43 days off.  That sounds great, but that includes all weekends and holidays.  Then, if you consider it, 18 days were spent moving my son, and it was a very stressful bike venture with my son.  In reality, I have had 25 days off.  We had 5 holidays in that period, so that is 20 days.  There have been 29 weekends, so do the math.

It has also been harder dealing with life.  It is strange how 35 years ago, my friends were getting married.  Then, 25 years ago, they were having children.  Now, it has come a time when friends are passing away.  Think about it—I am in the stage of my life when friends are passing away!  Emotionally, I find it hard to have the strong optimism I had for decades.

It is also the time when my parents may pass away at any time.  We never knew as they were nearly 80 years old.  My father and I have a limited relationship.  He still works hard on the farm every day.  Each time I see him, he looks more worn.  As I age, my anger toward him as a father is less.  Fathers do what they can, and we always wonder if it is right or wrong.  There is no manual for raising children.

I also had issues with other family members.  My sister's son graduated, and there were issues with the party.  He had a deadbeat father, and the family structure was weak.  This is not due to my sister not trying.  She has worked hard for the kids and now grandkids, but the kids still expect so much from her, and they are far from self-sufficient.  It is a never-ending issue, and I do not know what to do to help, and that creates anger and issues.

My muscle aches and bones have hurt immensely for the past six weeks.  I need 800-1,200 mg of Advil liquid gels for the day.  This raises concern for me, yet not sure what the options are to relieve pain.

The bike ride (I was the support) was fun but stressful.  For more details, see http://peasebikes.blogspot.com.  Basically, he finished a ride that most people could not accomplish.

I have also been taking pictures lately.  My favorite from the trip is below.  Jordan did ride through the storm in the background!

Carry on, my friends, carry on!