Weight or wait?

Weight has always been a struggle for me. Growing up, I was always the fat one. I was a young kid of 15. I was 5 feet 9 inches and weighed over 280 pounds. I can watch diligently what I eat, but I have a really hard time losing weight! I was just the fat one.

Then, when I was 16, my father grounded me for getting home 20 minutes late on a Saturday night. (9:20 PM) I had a rigorous father. He did not even hesitate to beat one of the kids or my mom whenever he was mad about something, and if we gave him a little reason, we were released through his fists or a belt. He has mellowed over the years, but we still do not talk. Hard to believe almost 20 years have passed, and we still do not talk much.

Anyway, he grounded me. Being the rebellious long-haired hippy (his name for me), I would start walking 6 miles to town each morning in the summer, hang with friends, and then walk back while my father and mother were at work. My friends offered me rides, but I never accepted, as I did not want the other farmers to see them and tell my dad. Grounding meant no friend over. I was alone. As violent as he was, I did not want to take that risk…

I started to lose weight quickly, and my walk turned into a jog. By the time my 6 weeks grounding was over, I had lost 25 pounds. I still recall the look on my dad's face when he gave me the keys to the car back, and I did not take the keys and took off running. Well, from that point on, I started running and biking all over. Good old single-speed Schwinn. I had no goals, I had no desires, I just used the feet and legs whenever I needed to go somewhere. There were limits; anything over 10 miles or I couldn’t shower and had to be clean, so I drove. But being a cook in a Country Kitchen restaurant, I ran to work. Just under 5 miles each way.

Within a year, I dropped from 280 pounds to 165 pounds. I decided to start running races. I never thought much of them. Never really trained. They were just something to do. Have some good times. Never won a race, took 3rd a few times. Then I tried a marathon. I did not finish. I started training. Reading books, planning things out. Really putting a whole crapload of effort into the task. I finished my first marathon. Then I read even more, planned more, trained harder, and ran over an hour faster in the same marathon two years later.

Then, running and biking became chores. Every time I went, it was not for any other purpose but to complete that specific training plan. I lost interest in using running or biking just for enjoyment. That was 1994. I had struggled and weighed 210 pounds, 5 foot 11 inches.

In 2005, I was really out of shape and weighed 296 pounds. My life changed, and I started walking and running to save money, sort things out, and clear my head. I never looked at it as anything but a mental health and money-saving mechanism. I lost weight. I dropped to 212 pounds and entered a few races. Over the years, I had only done Grandma’s each year with little training just to keep the streak alive.

Then, in 2006, I did the 50-milers and started “training” again. No longer were my runs just to get out and see nature, to commute to save money, or just because it was nice; my workout became rigid, planned training runs—you know, planned long runs, speed workouts, and such. I began to hurt more with more aches and pains. Getting a training run in was often challenging. I was gaining weight.

Now, here I am, I have gained 10 pounds since June 1. I have run little or worked out little since the knee surgery. The doctor visit informed me there was a little more of an issue than he thought and absolutely no impact on the knee for at least another 6 weeks. So, at least September 8 before I see him again. I am watching what I eat to try to hold off more weight gain. I am at 260 right now. I was 212 when I finished the 50 milers in 2006, 238 when I quit at mile 77 in the Superior 100 in 2007, and 245 when I quit the Superior 100 in 2008. Even though I was training harder mentally, it wore me down and stressed me out. I eat out of stress…

So what does this mean? I think I said this before, but I quit. I will not structure training anymore. If I feel like walking, swimming, or biking, I will. And if a race gets thrown in the middle so be it.

A big thing I did in those years was knowing my food addiction when stressed. Whenever I wanted Ice Cream or cookies, I would first go for a one-mile walk. Then, if I still wanted it, I did. But usually, the stress that was causing the food desire was eliminated by the one-mile walk. I would take my camera, stop and talk to friends, or call a long-lost friend and just talk while I walked. Again, the walk is used to take care of other things, not as a training run for a race.

I find I am just happier without the stress exercise should relieve. I find I lose weight just by using my legs to save money, reduce stress-related food cravings, or enjoy the scenery. It was out of another need other than my race times. What was needed to prepare for a race that got me in great shape and enjoying exercise, and was training and trying to be better at a race that failed me in the past, I think it is a no brainer I need to give up training and let the races, times and finishes fall where they may. In any case, I guess I will be a volunteer much more than a racer, at least for now. My racing plans will come as a day-to-day planning effort. I may enter many, but if I do not feel like a run that day, the entry fee would be a donation to the race. No plans, no schedule, no stress... As I look back, I think that will make me healthier, happier, and wiser...

Happy trails! Carry on…

Dumb, Smart, or in between?

I was feeling better, and the knee was feeling OK, so I decided to try a walk. I planned a short 1-mile walk. Nice and easy. Just nice to get out. My other option was a small bike ride, but my right shoulder is still very painful, and getting on the bike was way too painful to risk. So I walked...

Before I got three blocks, my knee started to hurt. So I turned around. It got worse. So I hobbled home, and now I have it elevated with ice. I do not think I hurt it, as I did not have any pain medicine at all today but had had it the last three days.

So, I guess I am less confident right now. But that is all part of the healing process. I thought much about the friends doing the Voyageur 50 today. The forecast was nice temps but rain. Someday, I have to do that race as I never have. It is the same weekend each year. I have an event I am a referee for... Although, I think this may be my last year of tennis? I said that last year as well? I know for sure i am stepping back so i will have more time for other things.

Anyway, RICE it is, and maybe I will try a walk Wednesday. I have a follow-up with the surgeon on Tuesday.

Carry on...

I can sit

Finally, I can bend my knee 90 degrees. I can now sit normally. Although there are arguments, I can do anything normally. I think I may be starting to walk or light biking by the weekend. Makes me wonder, as I have not in the past, should I count walking miles as training miles? I often wondered that. Walking is an important part of an ultra? So, do you count walks? If you do, which ones? Should they not count unless they are over a certain distance or time? What about pace? Casual walks as opposed to brisk walks?

I am not sure. Given that I have had the surgery and need to make a slow comeback, I think I will count all miles as training. I think the software is for running, biking, and other activities. I will just place them under others?

Either way, it's nice to get some movement on the leg. Just taking is slow and easy!

Carry on.

Took off bandages

Today is the day I took off the bandages. I could have yesterday, but I was too tired. The knee does not hurt much, but I can not bend it much past 60 degrees. It is swollen more than I thought I would see, so I continue to ice it. I have taken very little pain medicine. When I had, it was for the right shoulder pain I had left from the bike accident.

Tonight, I will walk a little without the crutch and without all the wrapping. It feels funny? Sort of weak and funny but more from the swelling than anything. It has only been 79 hours since the surgery, so I should not expect much more.

That is a minor update. I am still weeks away from running, but at least I can walk. I don't know how far, nor am I worried about that right now.

Carry on...

American Pie

I am on my way to minor surgery. It should not be a big issue, but everyone I know gets nervous. We did not know we had running as it nears. I am superstitious, and some things just freak me out. I heard "We Don't Talk Anymore" by Cliff Richard when I got in my car in 1980 when my high school sweetheart broke off the relationship. We never did not speak again. Wonder where she is? Almost 30 years ago, I remember that so is the concussion better?

Well, I use my iPod on the stereo as an alarm. I set it on random play for my songs and each morning I wake to a gem. Today, I woke to Don McLean singing "American Pie". You may not know the song, but it goes.

So bye-bye, miss American pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin whiskey and rye
Singin, "this'll be the day that I die.
"this'll be the day that I die."

So, I am sure I will be fine, as all my superstitions never come true. But what was God thinking with this wake-up call? I am taking it as a sign to be really careful and not to take recovery from anesthesia and minor surgery without great care and concern.

Especially for a 46-year-old who needs to lose 50 pounds...

As a side note, I noted today that I have a bruise from my mid-chest all the way up to my shoulder. It goes from about an inch wide at the bottom to 5 inches wide at the shoulder. I can lift my arm about shoulder height but not higher. It is still painful! Well, I can take Advil later today, and I have been looking forward to that since crashing the bike on Saturday!

UPDATE: Surgery went fine. ACL issues were negligible... The calcium issue is about 6 weeks before we run. I am loopy and going to rest (Update posted 2:30 PM Friday the 17th of July)

Carry on.

Glad I am alive... REALLY

I was riding my bike Saturday when an unthinkable thing occurred. I still have yet to return to the scene of the crime (really no crime, just a phrase) to work out the entire details, but long story short, I had a significant bike crash. Not with a car or a truck, but I somersaulted over the handlebars and landed headfirst. The front wheel is totally crunched. A properly fitting helmet definitely saved my life. I wish I had a better memory of all the details?

My trail running experience also saved me big time. I quickly was in a tuck-and-roll position and hit the right front head first, the right shoulder, and then down the body. My face has a nice lump on the right temple and some minor scrapes. The right hand had the most blood, while the rest of the body was more of a scrapes and bruises issue. The most problematic result is a concussion. I was dizzy and lost sense of where I was after the accident. This had happened once before, so now two concussions in my life… I do not want another.


I cannot lift my right arm, but the ex-rays verified no breaks. I can not laugh without rib pain, but there are no breaks there, either. If I use my left arm to support the lifting, I can lift my right arm with less pain each day so far… I think if I could take Advil, I would not feel like I do, but as I have surgery soon, no anti-inflammatory… Bummer.


I can only think I would be dead without that properly fitting helmet. In a post over a year ago, I reported my friend Dana died from a bike accident and was wearing a helmet. I did not report whether the helmet was said not to be properly fitted. So, I guess in her death, I learned something that I believe saved my life? We can never tell the future, but the picture above makes the helmet look good. If you saw my helmet damaged and loose, you would agree.

So now I have more than one reason to rest after my surgery on Friday… I am lucky to only have a concussion...

Carry on...

New blog title... The mind? A goal? Surgery...

I have changed the blog title. It went from "Time to..." essentially a message to get serious.  Now I am calling it a "Quest to enjoy running again..." as it is hard to get serious about something you can not or want to do, right? Been a while, and I long for that passion you all know and feel. I have read many are losing it... Adam suffered the same feeling a while back. Julie was expressing a loss of passion. Did they get the mojo back? Anyway, that is the reason for a new title. What else is new? 

I have completed two workouts since Grandma’s—both weight-lifting sessions. Why? I got the result of the MRI on the knee, and now it hurts. I had the MRI 10 days before Grandma’s, but I decided not to get the results until after Grandma’s. I was in pain, but I had had pain for 18 months prior, so I just ignored it.

So the results. A major meniscus tear, calcium deposits (peritendinitis calcarea), and ACL damage. I know when I tore the meniscus in March 2008. I have worked through that, but the ACL and Calcium issue came earlier this year when my knee got torqued abruptly by a human and a dog… I recall that night when I had pain like no other. We assume it was ACL damage that night, and bleeding internally caused the calcium issues. So, that is what caused me not to recover from the meniscus tear.

The level of damage to the ACL will be known during my July 17 surgery. The meniscus will also be cleaned up then. I have been told I will start rehab shortly after the surgery, and it will take 8-12 weeks before I am doing normal activities. Then, I will build back the miles. October... just in time for the cold to start!

What is funny is that I had minimal, manageable pain before I got the results from the MRI. Now, I hurt all the time. I notice it all the time. But really, nothing changed. It is just the mind doing these games.

How I look back at my 100-mile attempt in 2007. Most of the pain that made me quit at 77 miles was there at 50 miles. My mind allowed them to overtake me. I still regret that DNF. That was the last race on a good knee.

What has been so hard is the depressed state from little activity and the letdown of having no real goal any longer after completing the 25-year grandma’s finisher goal… I just cannot get it together. Thank god it is not winter, as I have the pool to keep me sane, barely…

I will be out at Afton at the start. I was going to volunteer officially but decided just to take my camera and float around, taking a few hundred photos to post and share… It will be fun. I sure will want to join the runners (especially those back-of-the-pack friends I miss!), but I know I cannot. At least my mind will not let me.

On another note... My car finally died. By definition, at 150,000 miles, it costs too much to repair. So I finally got new wheels. And it is fun! I needed a lift...
Carry on.