Today, during my treatment, I again spoke with terminally ill people I have formed friendships with over the past few months. They
casually sat in the room and talked about life. I sat and let the medicine flow and listened.
The
discussion today was whether terminally ill patients (or very ill patients) should share
the prognosis with others? What caught me off guard was that three terminal patients
made statements that made me think about this more intensely. One said they did not tell the family as they could do nothing and wanted to save them non-productive worry. Another said their spouse
knows, but kids and co-workers do not. The third said she informed most people and wishes she was less open. They all agree grim news can be beneficial and help others prepare for their departure from Earth, yet for some, the truth can be devastating. Yet, it can work both ways. What if the person was never told and has more incredible difficulty? Such a balance, and I do not know how to stay on the rope.
Many of you (at
least those of us over 50) followed Dear Abby? She once had a song I
enjoyed about her, I like John Prine. She is the advice columnist Abigail Van Buren. She was ravaged by Alzheimer's disease, yet her family
decided not to tell her about the diagnosis. "Dear Abby," born Pauline Phillips, died at
the age of 94, and her son, Eddie, believed that she instinctively knew she was
dying despite the family's silence.
I once read about Allen Ball, a realtor from Colombia, South Carolina, who tried to convince his feisty 94-year-old mom, who had an aggressive brain tumor, that she was getting better, replied: "Well, I certainly don't feel better, so you'd better prepare yourself!"
It made me think about how important it is to keep others informed when there
is nothing they can do to help. Is
there really a benefit? Sympathy does not heal, nor do they need excessive worry when there is nothing they can do to help. The only benefit is to
spend more time before a loved one passes, but if they really thought they had
to do that, then why did they avoid spending time before they were ill. Life is busy, that is why.
Yet, I believe the loved ones of a terminally ill person need to know. This allows preparation for their
passing by getting their affairs in order. They may want to record messages to
family members or talk with a clergy member about spiritual matters,
including what happens to them.
There is no correct answer. What you say or don't say depends on the
individual and the situation. I never cease to marvel at terminal cancer patients who, even at a young age, talk frankly about dying and express their feelings to loved ones. If this can be accomplished, it's the healthiest way to
go. Yet the people I met today
were all over 60. They seemed
content to let life continue and did not want others to be concerned.
So today, I left treatment without a bit of improvement and a great
deal of mental confusion. I am not
disclosing the severity of the issues to loved ones, as I am confident I will conquer the problems. Today made me
doubt myself and ask, what if I do not beat it? Should I discuss this with
them? I just do not know and am not
sure whatever I do will be the right solution.
