SLOW progress and I hate my job

I thought in February, things would be better, health-wise.  I had full scans, and the Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT) and Pulmonary Embolisms were gone.  I dropped blood thinners.  Within a few weeks, my right leg had debilitating pain. It was DVT and back on thinners. SUCKS. I also have a full heart scan again soon, as that is a concern. 

My iron has been stable. It helps to eat a Tofu/rice meal with four tablespoons of organic Blackstrap Molasses each day. I'm getting sick of it, but the combination is very high in iron!

I have been looking forward to getting out on my bicycle this year. The weather has been cold and terrible. I remember the last time I needed to wait well into April before I could ride. In February 2017, I rode over 50 miles; in March 2017, I rode 110 miles; and in April, well over 200 miles. This year, I will have to wait until the middle of April before I get much riding weather. Bummer!

Besides my health staying the same, the weather being uncooperative, and work being painful, Work is a massive part of my life. I once totally loved my job and thought of it as something positive. Now I feel completely trapped in a job! The result is that life could be more rosy. Working a disliked job significantly impacts my health, outlook, and attitude. I have to remain positive. Even though, at times, I feel like I am in a soul-sucking nightmare, I must try to get something out of it. What can I gain?

Well, one benefit is my ability to tolerate stupidity and greed is better!   My daily job duties make me groan and sigh uncontrollably. So many people drive me so insane that I am one snide remark away from flipping over the conference room table. Of all the things I hate about my current position, I try to remember that those pesky annoyances and cringe-worthy moments are helping me master the critical trait of tolerance. I know there's no such thing as a "perfect job." I am getting remarkably close to that elusive position, RETIREMENT. So, my refined patience and tolerance will come in handy—even when I finally break free from this terrible job. 

There's a lot to be said for a solid sense of commitment. Moreover, when I boil it down, who's more committed than someone who manages to show up to the office day in and day out, even though he knows he's in for eight to ten hours of pure misery? Very few. However, I am committed. I have a job to do and will do well, which is called pride and loyalty. However, the important thing is that I am still showing up and doing my best work without letting my negative emotions creep in and bring me down. Trust me, dedication is a quality that any employer should admire. However, this is a new generation, and most employers see everyone as expendable if the greed (shareholders) is not satisfied.

I firmly believe that you learn something new every day, even if that "something new" is something I hate. This detested job is a chance to piece together what I want (and, OK, don't want) in my next position. Misery is an influential teacher. My current situation is far from ideal—sometimes, it takes the pain to get to the retirement position I would enjoy. However, at the very least, I remember that I am learning a lot about what I should avoid. Moreover, that information will undoubtedly be helpful as I move toward retirement. 

I get it. Putting up with the job may kill me before I retire, but it is the best route to a stable retirement. The situation is downright intolerable at times. However, I take a deep breath and remind myself that I am getting something out of this position. Even death is something.

Carry on, my friends, carry on.

Is there an answer?

I concluded one of the most emotional and difficult healthcare decisions many people will ever face is telling someone of their health issues.  This is worse if the problem is terminal?  I have met many people along the health battle and treatment path.  While I have not improved or declined in months, medically, I am struggling significantly with significant pain.  It is almost debilitating, and it is tough to walk.  It is even difficult to get up from a chair.  However, I often fake it, as I do not want sympathy or worry from those around me.  My general numbers have improved, yet I do not feel better.  

Today, during my treatment, I again spoke with terminally ill people I have formed friendships with over the past few months.   They casually sat in the room and talked about life.  I sat and let the medicine flow and listened.

The discussion today was whether terminally ill patients (or very ill patients) should share the prognosis with others?  What caught me off guard was that three terminal patients made statements that made me think about this more intensely.  One said they did not tell the family as they could do nothing and wanted to save them non-productive worry.  Another said their spouse knows, but kids and co-workers do not.  The third said she informed most people and wishes she was less open.  They all agree grim news can be beneficial and help others prepare for their departure from Earth, yet for some, the truth can be devastating.  Yet, it can work both ways.  What if the person was never told and has more incredible difficulty?  Such a balance, and I do not know how to stay on the rope.

Many of you (at least those of us over 50) followed Dear Abby?  She once had a song I enjoyed about her, I like John Prine.  She is the advice columnist Abigail Van Buren.  She was ravaged by Alzheimer's disease, yet her family decided not to tell her about the diagnosis.  "Dear Abby," born Pauline Phillips, died at the age of 94, and her son, Eddie, believed that she instinctively knew she was dying despite the family's silence. 

I once read about Allen Ball, a realtor from Colombia, South Carolina, who tried to convince his feisty 94-year-old mom, who had an aggressive brain tumor, that she was getting better, replied: "Well, I certainly don't feel better, so you'd better prepare yourself!"

It made me think about how important it is to keep others informed when there is nothing they can do to help.  Is there really a benefit?  Sympathy does not heal, nor do they need excessive worry when there is nothing they can do to help.  The only benefit is to spend more time before a loved one passes, but if they really thought they had to do that, then why did they avoid spending time before they were ill.  Life is busy, that is why.

Yet, I believe the loved ones of a terminally ill person need to know.  This allows preparation for their passing by getting their affairs in order.  They may want to record messages to family members or talk with a clergy member about spiritual matters, including what happens to them.

There is no correct answer.  What you say or don't say depends on the individual and the situation.  I never cease to marvel at terminal cancer patients who, even at a young age, talk frankly about dying and express their feelings to loved ones.  If this can be accomplished, it's the healthiest way to go.  Yet the people I met today were all over 60.  They seemed content to let life continue and did not want others to be concerned.

So today, I left treatment without a bit of improvement and a great deal of mental confusion.  I am not disclosing the severity of the issues to loved ones, as I am confident I will conquer the problems.  Today made me doubt myself and ask, what if I do not beat it?  Should I discuss this with them?  I just do not know and am not sure whatever I do will be the right solution.

Carry on, my friends, carry on.

Trying, One step up and two back?

I tried!  Really, I tried.

I failed!  I really failed.

I started working out to help improve my health issues.  It was not excessive, just three days a week with elliptical or indoor cycling.  It was challenging but refreshing, although I felt increasingly fatigued.  I went to the physician, who sent me to another physician, who sent me back to the Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist who performed my surgery about six years ago.  He evaluated me, and I learned more than I wanted to know.

What I learned was an untreated sinus infection can lead to bronchitis, worsening of asthma, and chronic cough.  Oh, so that’s why I feel bad?  He explained that continued contamination leads to nasal membrane swelling, obstruction, and mouth breathing.  Nasal congestion can cause snoring and lead to sleep apnea as well.  OK, I know that is happening.

The acute sinusitis I failed to treat created a low-grade chronic infection.  The presence of nasal polyps makes treatment of sinusitis difficult.

Here is the real bummer.  My sinuses have made me miserable.  Pressure, pain, drainage, and difficulty breathing have been issues.  I now learned that this is also a possible issue with my stomach pains.  As my sinus pressure impacted blood circulation to my eyes, I have sudden, patchy, blurred vision and blindness.  My sinus infection has spread into the bloodstream, affecting the brain and eyes.

My respiratory system was already weakened from the Pulmonary Embolisms.  As excess mucus is produced, and there’s a lot of it, it drains.  This excess mucous irritated my digestive system.  Nausea and loose stools follow.

I know, it’s TMI.  I know I need to grab hold of my bootstraps, find courage, and make progress.  Am I a mouse of a man?

I need to recall my tennis wisdom.  In tennis, losing one point isn’t the end of the world.  It happens to the best of us.  If I can consistently win a few more points that I lose, I will succeed.  I will be ahead of the game with healthy eating and exercising if I consistently out-stepped my steps back.  If I expect perfection (and many of us do), I am setting myself up for disappointment and guilt.  With the medical issues, I do not need that to develop.

Carry on, my friends, carry on!

Why am I alive with a long road ahead!

I will never forget July 7, 2017, like it was yesterday.  It was the day I should have died.  It was a Friday.  I went to work early after being out of the office for nearly two weeks.  I had to go to the second floor that day, I climbed the flight of stairs, and when I reached the top, I thought, "I think I'm going to faint." I continued having issues throughout the day.  I had significant stiffness in my calf 18 months before and occasionally since.  The two weeks before July 7, I complained of stiffness in my calf.  One week before, I was almost unable to walk because of the extreme calf pain.  I did some deep massage with the massager.  I drove home that night and complained I was dizzy and felt terrible.  I was wheezing and had great trouble breathing.  I was in a cold sweat on the couch.

I went to urgent care, where they refused to treat me.  Instead, I was whisked to the ER.  As previously reported, as soon as I arrived, I was pushed to the front of the line and got an EKG, ultrasound, and a CT that showed I had numerous blood clots in my legs and lungs.

I think "it won't happen to me" for so many issues than it happened to me.  It should have killed me.  The Doctor even said it should have killed me.  Doctors are puzzled as to how I survived with that many clots in my lungs.

Because I waited so long, I may have a pulmonary infarct (a portion of my lung is dead because it lost too much oxygen).  I still experience pain and may struggle for the rest of my life, managing with blood thinners.  If I get in an accident, I could bleed out, or if I get hit in the head, I could have a brain bleed.  These are all the things I worry about daily.  July 7, 2017 (or the 8th when reality set in) will always be hard for me.  I will never forget it as the day I should have died. 

"Every year, more people die from preventable blood clots than from breast cancer, AIDS, and traffic accidents combined," said Dr. Samuel Goldhaber, Chairman of the Venous Disease Coalition.  "It is so important to raise awareness about DVT and PE because although blood clots are common, few Americans have sufficient knowledge about blood clots and how to prevent them." The most recent statistics show that 1 person dies every 6 minutes in the United States from blood clots. 

The Vascular Disease Foundation urges Americans to learn about the risks of venous blood clots to help prevent these deaths.   DVT occurs when a blood clot forms in the deep veins, usually of the pelvis or leg.  DVT can be dangerous in two ways.

First, DVT can be fatal if a blood clot breaks free from the leg veins, travels through the heart, and lodges in the lung arteries.  This complication, called pulmonary embolism (PE), causes between 100,000 and 180,000 deaths per year in the United States.

Second, because blood clots can permanently damage the veins, as many as half of DVT survivors can experience long-term leg pain, heaviness, and swelling that can progress to difficulty in walking, changes in skin color, and open leg sores (known as ulcers).  This condition, called post-thrombotic syndrome (PTS) or "chronic venous insufficiency," can significantly impair quality of life.

So, besides living with the constant thought of "why did God let me live," I have had significant pain in walking.  It is so hard, at times, to move the legs.  I am holding out hope there are no long-term issues, yet getting less and less confident.  I can only take this one step at a time.  Moreover, each step is getting more challenging, so it seems!

Some good news is that I got my Bionx D500 wheel rebuilt.  That should significantly decrease my concerns over the summer riding season.  I had broken well over nine spokes last summer, and the lacing was unreliable.  Relaxing the wheel is exceptionally hard due to the motor.  Factory lacing should be stable.

I am looking forward to getting on the bike and biking to work.  I felt better When I could do that in August and September.

On another good note, my son recently purchased a condo in a great location - Breckenridge, CO. This year, I will take two or three one-week trips to get away and try to relax.  While I assume he would not ask me to pay for the stays, I will spend like it is a low-cost hotel, which he welcomes as he is rarely home Monday through Thursday, and I can afford to get away.  It is far from an inexpensive hotel, but it is one of the best in the city!  The views are great, biking is incredible, there are slightly sloped paths, and the town is open during the summer.

Until next time,  Carryon, my friends, carry on.