Mercy me, mercy me it's that busy disease

I saw a dear friend recently.  I asked her how she was doing; she looked up, voice lowered, and whimpered: “I’m so busy… I am so busy… have so much going on.”  As we spoke, she mentioned she worked over 50 hours per week all year and had very little time off.  She spends weekends in the office.  I thought I had a hard time only having 81 days off this year, including weekends and holidays.  She said she has less than 70 days off, including weekends.  We both agreed we looked like hell and went on our way.

Today, I met another friend and asked him how it was going.  He explained his wife had left him and their child.  She left for a co-worker.  He said she sought a divorce, full custody, and a vast spousal support payment.  He said he took a second job to pay lawyers and try to save the little hope.  They had been married for 4 years.  His tone was the same I heard a few days earlier, “I’m just so busy… got so much to do and not enough time or money.”

The tone I hear (and often speak) is exacerbated, tired, and overwhelmed. 

This is a sad state of the adult life.  Then, a co-worker was trying to get another co-worker to get together with the kids for an outing.   They grabbed their phones and scrolled… and scrolled… and scrolled.  They finally screed the kids, who had an hour open in two weeks.  They set the date.  They said it is so hard as the child has swimming, gymnastics, piano, and voice lessons and is so busy.”

I learned long ago that horribly destructive habits start early, really early.  I spend time thinking about myself, wondering how I ended up living like this, why I do this to myself, and why I work until I can’t function, only to sleep and start again.   I forget I am a human being, not a human doing.  g?

I never learned to sit with the people I love so much and have a slow, meaningful conversation about the state of our hearts and souls.  Are these conversations slow to unfold, conversations with pregnant pauses and silences that we are in no rush to fill?

How have I evolved to create a world around me where I have more and more to do with less time for leisure, reflection, community, and time to just… be?

This common disease I find so many have acquired is simply called “busy” and is spiritually destructive to my health and well-being.  It saps my ability to be fully present with those we love the most in our families and keeps me from forming the kind of community and friendship I desperately crave.

Since the 1970s, I have seen many new technological innovations that I thought (or were promised) would make my life easier, faster, and more straightforward.  Yet, I have significantly less “free” or leisurely time today than I did decades ago.

For me, the lines between work and home have become blurred.  I live on my device.  ALL THE FREAKING TIME.  My smartphone (made me dumb) and laptop mean no division between the office and home.

One of my daily struggles is the avalanche of emails.  I recently took 5 days from work to stop the burnout from coming on, and I returned to over 400 emails and 30 voicemails.  Some were repeated with anger for the delay in not responding.  Even when I had an auto-reply saying I was out of the office.   I’ve tried different techniques: only responding in the evenings, not responding over weekends, and asking people to schedule more face-to-face time.  The emails keep on coming in unfathomable volumes.  And people expect a response — right now.  I, too, it turns out… am so busy.

The reality looks very different for others, like my sister.  Working two jobs in low-paying sectors is the only way to keep the family afloat.  They say over 20 percent of children are living in poverty, and too many of our parents are working minimum wage jobs just to put a roof over their heads and something resembling food on the table.  We are all so busy.

So I am worn.  I remember I am still human, not just a machine checking off items from my to-do list.  I retell myself that I am more than just a machine checking off items from my to-do list.  I need a different relationship to work with technology.  I know what I want: a meaningful life, a sense of community, a balanced existence.  It’s not just about “leaning in” or faster iPhones.  I want to be truly human. 

WB Yeats wrote: “It takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your soul than it does for a soldier to fight on a battlefield.”  How exactly am I supposed to examine the dark corners of my soul when I am so busy?  How am I supposed to live the examined life?  I have always been a prisoner of hope, but I wonder if I will have the necessary structural conversation about how to do and live like that.  Somehow, I need a different organizing model in my life, society, family, and community.

But my recently encountered friends and my co-worker’s children have no clue how.  Neither do I…

Carry on, my friends, carry on…

Preganant Zone (Prednisone)

Prednisone is a synthetic corticosteroid drug that is used to treat a variety of conditions.  In my case, I was on it for several years as part of the issues infections I fought from 2009 through 2013.  I had fluid accumulation in the brain and a type of inflammation in both eyes.

Essentially, Prednisone mimicked my body’s natural hormones, which the adrenal glands produce.  When prescribed in significant doses, Prednisone helps suppress inflammation.  I also called it the pregnant zone, as it really impacted me with weight gain.  I have been off the medicine for over two years, and I am finally feeling closer to normal again!

What I have experienced is withdrawal.  I think my body and brain became dependent on Prednisone for everyday functioning.  I was not a high dose, only 30-40 mg per day.

When I went off Prednisone, it was cold turkey.  I had significant withdrawal issues.  They say it takes time for the body to make cortical on its own again.  Cortisol stimulates gluconeogenesis (glucose formation), activating antistress and anti-inflammatory pathways.   For a few years, I have had significant inflammatory issues!  I think this was a major cause.  I also have many issues I believe are related to Prednisone withdrawal.  They include:

• Weight gain is the most dreaded side–effects of steroid use.  In addition to causing weight gain, Prednisone leads to a redistribution of body fat to undesirable places, particularly the face, back of the neck, and abdomen.  I have never been heavier than when I was on or coming off Prednisone!
• My recent history of intense abdominal pain is a common withdrawal symptom.  The pain when I stopped taking Prednisone was debilitating at times.  Now, it is just a little pain, occasionally.
• I often felt depressed!  My anxiety level was sky-high.  My son was driven nuts by my anxiety, yet I could never tell him of the issues I was having.  It is my problem, not his.
• The worst has been severe body aches.  I felt, at times, I was unable to move.
• As part of three withdrawals, I would have dizziness at a life-impacting level. 
• The most pressing issue was fatigue.  I am expected to deal with extreme fatigue and low energy levels, as I no longer have adequate amounts of cortisol to provide the body with energy.
• I do not have headaches, but in the past few years, I have had some headaches that would hurt more if I so much as blinked.
• Another issue is suicidal thoughts.  While I never thought about actually taking the next step, I would rush across a bridge as I thought about leaping off the side.  This was really bad when I first discontinued Prednisone use. 
• A frustrating issue was muscle weakness and the overall sense of malaise.

I have read quite a bit about Prednisone withdrawal.  In some cases, it has taken 12 to 24 months before experiencing a complete “recovery” back to homeostasis.  I am 28 months old, and finally, I feel like an end is in sight.  I hope I am right and things will look up in 2017.  Only more time will tell.

Carry on, my friends, carry on…

“That’s a modest way of bragging”

Today at the office, I told a co-worker I was proud this year I have only averaged 6.7 work hours per day (47-hour weeks' average) if I worked all seven days of the week.  I stated that I was happy it had decreased from last year to 7.9 hours a week (55-hour weeks).  I explained that it is based on total hours worked divided by the number of days (365 days for a calendar year).  So yes, I worked 6.7 hours a day every year.  Of course, I had not been in the office every day, as I have 53 days (including weekends) that I was not in the office at all.  Over half of those days were two vacations and moving my son.

I made the statement because I was proud that I was improving on my goal to return to a manageable work schedule.  She said, "That's a modest way of bragging." I felt terrible!  That was not my intent at all.  In fact, I was happy I reduced the time spent working but also not glad I was still taking too much time off for our office. 

My goal is to be closer to 6 hours or less.  The typical employee who works Monday through Friday has 11 Holidays and 10 vacation days and would average 5.2 work hours a day if they worked all 365 days.  This is also 37 hours a week.  My goal is to be at 42 hours a week or less. 

We have a professional office staff of 8.  At the peak of the economy in 2007, we were an office of 11.  We worked more than wild animals during that period to meet the demand.  Of course, only the three non-union staff members, me being one, get the privilege of working without overtime pay, so the other five are basically 8-4:30, and we pick up where we are behind.  

From 2005 to 2009, I could work out and was much happier.  Then the economy fell, and we were a staff of 6 at one time.  As I stated, we built up to 8 staff, but more are needed.  I wish my ego would let me toss my arms and say, "You have to wait a week for an answer," or even, "Wait a month as you're on the pile." That is the reputation of government; we just do what we need and make you wait.  I can't do that to people. 

A staff member on maternity leave recently came in and told us she would not be returning.  So, we have a staff of 7, when we could easily have used closer to the 11 we had to accomplish the workload in 2007.  Then there is the other side: finding good employees is becoming possible.

What it comes down to is that I take a high degree of personal responsibility and care for our team's success.  I meet people on nights and weekends because they need help getting into City Hall during regular work hours.  

This is how I was raised, so I work as hard as possible to keep us functioning.  I usually go to work at 6:30 AM and work past 7:00 PM during the week just to return voicemails and e-mails I get during the day.  I tried one week in September to force myself to leave at 5:00 PM for a week, and I was over 110 e-mails behind by the end of the week.  I spend 14 hours over the weekend to get caught up!  So that did not work.

I'm figuring out how to keep this up, as I know my health is impacted.  Stress is at an all-time high.  I am so fatigued that I find walking hard, let alone working out.  I am trying to figure out what choice there is to keep the high customer service standards I have for dealing with people.  I either have issues with my personal beliefs or keep doing what I am doing. 

So it was not a "modest way of bragging" but admitting I was getting close to failing.  I hate to fail, but things need to change, and I am trying to figure out how to change them.  It may be time to evaluate changing careers, but I can retire if I hold out six more years.  But if this keeps up, I wonder if there will be much of a retirement.  In the past decade, I had two friends retire and die within 4 years.  It should be an easy decision, but it is another difficult choice I cannot make now, as I do not have time to do anything but work, eat, and sleep.  Makes me tired, fat, and unhappy.

Carry on, my friends, carry on...

Biking and parenting

Well, it's been a while!

I have had five bike commutes so far this year, which is 180 miles. That's not bad, as we have not made it to May yet. I have a little friendly competition with a coworker. I have 36 miles round trip, and he has 24 miles. We are seeing who can get more commute miles this year. Of course, I am slightly under twice his age, so I should get a handicap, but I will go head-to-head.

I did get out to take some pictures a few weeks ago. I was also in Golden, Colorado, helping my son set up his new place. Here are a few pictures.

A close friend who just turned 50 recently asked me how I would feel if my grown child told me that I eat too loud, need to quit eating as much, most of my views are foolish, your diet is terrible, or that you manage your money wrong. My answer was that is the way mid-20s kids are about their parents; if you understand the fact, life is easier. They only show overall respect if they have a need. We continued to have a deep conversation.

In my opinion, after lavishing and encouraging your kids while they were growing up, it can be annoying and hurtful to have them turn around as adults and pick away at your own behaviors and, yes, imperfections. Like they are perfect?

In such circumstances, it's tempting to try to make your children feel guilty (After all I've done for you, this is the thanks I get?)…or strike back with a verbal barrage of your own (Stingy, am I?  Well, you're just an overgrown brat with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement)…or withdraw into hurt silence.  I explained it is my opinion that those reactions won't get you the respect or behavior change you want…and they could wind up doing severe damage to your peace of mind and/or your relationship.

The person replied, what would you do if an adult child gets overly critical and disrespectful?  Honestly, I do not know. I would appraise whether the criticism is justified.  Because a child knows you well, they may see traits in you that you have trouble recognizing in yourself?  So when they criticize you, instead of immediately dismissing his observation (and getting hurt, defensive, or mad), consider whether there's a worthwhile lesson—and even loving concern—behind the message.

But that also made me think that the apple doesn't fall far: I suggested that they take a clear-eyed look at whether you have unwittingly set a poor example by constantly correcting your child's behavior. "Did you always nag your child about cleaning her room and now point out the lax in housekeeping, even though they are overwhelmed with work?  Did you often have harsh words about your thier girlfriend or boyfriend?

Then I suggested they consider what's happening in the child's life. If your child is being uncharacteristically unreasonable or unkind to you, chances are that something is going wrong. After all, people tend to take out their frustrations and tensions on their nearest and dearest. I know my children do, OFTEN, and in a way, they never would with strangers or acquaintances. It is because they know they will be loved (and tolerated) no matter what.

I try to show empathy, but it is hard as it is hard to understand.  It creates stress and issues.  My friend said she eats and has poor habits more and more each time her children ridicule and disrespect her.  She was recently upset that her daughter was furious when she did not return her call after three hours, yet she may call her daughter and take days to get a reply if there is one.  I do not understand why this is how 20-something acts, but I know firsthand how authentic her experience is, not out of the ordinary. 

The only advice I could give is one I have tried to apply.  That being to acknowledge my vulnerabilities.  As we get older, our family roles change.  Where once I was the parent and in charge, now your child is on equal adult footing—or is even taking over specific responsibilities. It's natural at this stage to feel less confident about your abilities and more reliant on approval and help from others…which is one reason why a grown child's criticism may feel increasingly hurtful.  If you've had thin skin all your life, you'll likely become even more vulnerable to the hint that you're less than capable or adored for whatever you say or do.

One key thing a parent can't do is to expect respect.  None of this is to say it's OK for an adult child to be disrespectful or to purposely shame, ridicule, embarrass, or humiliate you.  But we can't withdraw into hurt silence.  We need to find the courage to speak up!  But that may exacerbate the issue?  But you must firmly declare, "I will not stand for being treated that way."

  

My friend has a bigger issue that her partner is adding to the conflict. She said that at times, he acts as an enabler or a confederate when their grown child treats her disrespectfully. This escalates the conflict and imposes additional obstacles for her while she tries to establish a more respectful and fruitful relationship with her child.

When I left the conversation, I was unsure I did more than confuse her. I know I confused her! The only sure thing I know is that it appears to be the norm when speaking to parents of 20-somethings. There is a generation of self-centered individuals who believe they are entitled and better than anyone other than their peers. Who knows, maybe the same was said about us when we were in our 20s, and we are too stubborn to admit it as well.

Carry on, my friends, Carry on!