Over the course of my retirement, numerous events have transpired, some of which I have documented in writing, while others remain undisclosed. My absence from my residence has been significant, with a notable recent period spanning from September 9th to November 9th.
One life aspect that comes to mind more frequently during retirement is the significance of relationships. While my relationship with my youngest son remains stable, other relationships have consistently been strained.
Although some may not be aware, I once served as the legal father of three children. I had adopted my daughter when I married my former spouse, but that adoption was annulled when she sought a divorce. Additionally, I have a son from my high school days. At birth, my father intervened and contested paternity. The trial concluded in a hung jury, and I never saw the child or his mother afterward, as she was getting married. She claimed that her soon-to-be husband was adopting him. Fast forward eight years, and I received a notice that his mother had been arrested and jailed. I was also informed that the adoption never took place.
 |
| Getting acquainted - 1992 |
I proceeded to take parental responsibility. Unfortunately, his grades were very poor, and he was quite rebellious. While he stayed with his stepfather's parents, I pushed for visitation. When his mom was released, I went to introduce myself to him, and his mom pleaded that I let them be. I achieved seeing him for about 6 months on occasional weekends. After a few months, he said words that still haunt me today. He stated, “You are not a treat for me, jackass,” and left with his mom. I tried to provide discipline, teach respect, and instill the importance of education, but failed in that with the short time I had and his anger toward my efforts.
His mom again stated that they were following through with the adoption and requested that I stay out of their lives. I was finishing grad school and seeking employment, which led me to Peoria, Illinois, 1,100 miles away. So I lived my life and let them live there.
Five years later, I received orders from the State of North Dakota to pay child support. Her husband had left, and she had become reliant on welfare, which prompted the action. I was initially surprised to learn that he had been adopted a second time, which did not occur. I attempted to establish a relationship with him. Still, he was resistant to my fundamental beliefs that consistent effort in school and respect for others were essential for achieving what he desired, such as video games and money. Furthermore, I was approximately 1,100 miles away. Needless to say, that effort was short-lived before he instructed me to “get the hell away and never come back.”
After providing financial support and allowing the stepfather to raise him, I contemplated seeking custody to provide him with a stable environment. However, he cherished his sister and was apprehensive about separating them. I intervened and informed him that the surname he was using, his father’s, was not his legal name and had been changed to his birth name. This action made me an adversary to the rest of the family, perhaps a trait I have always possessed.
Several years later, he contacted me again, requesting $400 to purchase a pickup truck. I inquired about his academic performance and indicated that I would consider his request upon receiving the report card. Unfortunately, I did not receive the report card, and I had not heard from him until his graduation. I attended his graduation ceremony and was undoubtedly a third party in the situation.
We tried to connect, but we were so far apart. He got a job at Valleyfair and was near me, but he had started smoking and other behaviors that resulted in my keeping a distance from my other two children. I was surprised to learn from others that he had been fired from Valley Fair and had returned to North Dakota. We always took five steps back with one step forward.
After several years, I received a call from him, informing me that he and his girlfriend had a baby boy who was gravely ill. They were residing in Minneapolis, and we arranged to meet for lunch. He explained that he was creating canvas advertisements for a billboard company. Despite his attempts to be respectful, his smoking habit persisted, which unfortunately did not last long. I invited him to maintain contact, but he provided only limited information.
I did not hear from him again until, almost a decade later (2015, I believe), he called me while I was out of town to inform me that he was getting married on Friday. I was aware of his first marriage, which I was never made aware of, and it ended in divorce in 2008. He called three days before the wedding, and unfortunately, I was unable to attend. I assume he was disappointed. I did manage to meet his wife and him for lunch during my visit to the NDSU football game, but I later learned they were getting a divorce.
I did see him one more time when my father was in the hospital. For the first time, he seemed to be stable. He had taken over his son's care and had a good position with a good company. He stated we should stay in contact. I would send him birthday and Christmas gifts; he would call to update me, and then nothing!
Then on July 5, 2021, I got a call from his mother that his son had passed away and the service would be on July 8. I was supposed to give a presentation in Chicago and attend a conference starting on the 8th. I quickly made changes and left to support him at the funeral. He seemed happy to see me, and the service was good. I had to fly out for the conference, so I said we should keep in contact. That did not happen.
I found out he was moving to Salem, Massachusetts, with his girlfriend in early 2023. He even drove through town for the move, but he didn’t mention the move, or he would be a few miles from my house! We could have had lunch together. It was a bit of a letdown that he didn’t try to reach out more. I kept sending him birthday and Christmas gifts, but I only heard from him when I asked a question, and then only half the time.
Then, in late spring 2024, I finally heard from him! He was getting married on July 18, 2024. I asked how long he had known the date, and he admitted he had forgotten to tell me. I was so committed, but I couldn’t make it! It was such a disappointment that he forgot to let me know about his wedding when he got engaged, didn’t tell me about my grandson’s passing, forgot to let me know he was moving, and so much more.
I really wanted to get to know him for Christmas 2024, so I sent out several emails, put together some old photos and mementos from his childhood, and tried to get along with him. Even though I kept trying, I only got back a couple of replies—one email and one text. After he wrote, “Let’s both make an effort to keep in touch more often. It’s something I want, and I hope you do too”, I sent a few more emails and texts, but he just disappeared!
Regrettably, I concluded that my efforts were futile and ceased all communication. Consequently, I have refrained from sending him any gifts in 2025 and have allowed him to pursue his own life. If circumstances permit, I anticipate that he will contact me unexpectedly with significant news. How would I react after 30 years of being contacted only with substantial news or a financial need?
I do not intend to imply that I did everything correctly. I acknowledge that his mother has consistently provided support and that he prefers I allow him to be the primary source of information about life events. As parents, we are always expected to do our utmost. However, I can share my perspective on parenting. No one ever achieves perfection. I, for instance, did not. And now, for me, it may be too late. Nevertheless, I question whether I ever truly became a parent to him.
I hope that he is content with the decision not to maintain a relationship. It took me 30 years to come to terms with this realization. Life goes on, and we must live with our past decisions. They haunt me more as I age, but letting go is the healthiest option!
When I have difficult life events, I write songs. It is an outlet, a way to express. While drafting this post, I wrote the following lyrics about letting go.
The clock's hands are heavy
They drag through the air
Every tick, every tock
Whispers life's not fair
My hope lost its shine
And the sun doesn’t care
[Chorus]
It’s time to let go
Let it all just slide
Time to let go
Leave the pain outside
Time to let go
Let the blues collide
The rain on my window
Sings a tired tune
My shadow’s been dancing
Each afternoon
But I’m done with this weight
In this hollow room
[Prechorus]
Release the chains
Break the strings
Break the ties
Let it go to the open skies
[Chorus]
It’s time to let go
Let it all just slide
Time to let go
Leave the pain outside
Time to let go
Let the blues collide
I’ve been holding on to ghosts that fade
Building walls from the mistakes I made
But tonight I’m building the barricade
[Chorus]
It’s time to let go
Let it all just slide
Time to let go
Leave the pain outside
Time to let go
Let the blues collide
Carry on, my friends, carry on!
