Not a desirable start of 2017

So much for New Year’s resolutions!  I only had one resolution that was important to me and a few desirable resolutions.  The most important resolution was getting a work/life balance.  Yet, I have not taken a day off to start 2017.  If it were not for my son’s accident, I would have only had 5 days off since November 1, 2016 (that includes Holidays and weekends).  My shortest workday of 2017 was today at only 5 hours.  But that was because I could not function; I had a headache and needed to rest.  I wanted to work out a little, but I was too exhausted.  My average work week for the first 4 weeks of 2017 is just under 70 hours each week.  I anticipate I will have to survive another 10 days, and things at work should stabilize.  I feel like I am near burnout and in a total fog.  I do not recall when I was this concerned about my health and well-being!

The local press has been writing about how gloomy January has been, yet not to me, as it is dark when I get to work and home.   I would not notice if the sun was hiding behind the clouds.  I am really losing the ability to recognize reality.  Everything is a fog, and I must think hard about what day it is and what to do next.  I will go several days and realize I have not showered.  I have to think hard about what I eat, and if I eat, yet I still have no weight loss, so I must be eating.  In addition, I forget to drink, and dehydration has many body issues.

I am aware burnout and stress outcomes can be heart issues, anxiety, and depression.  For the past year, there have been times I thought I was having a heart attack.  Tingle in the left arm, followed by slight sweats and shortness of breath.  It is at times of stress.  When I do a four-square breathing method, the chest pain subsides.  I also have a little issue when working out, so one side of me believes no heart issues, and the other, well…

Last week, I had another echocardiogram.  I get the results tomorrow.   Last time, I had a small blockage, but that was not a significant concern.  Yet, I need more confidence about tomorrow.   I will sleep a little tonight!  I also need blood work as I assume my nutrition is all over the map?

It is also a time of unrest for America.  I recall when President Obama was elected, there was a great deal of violence.  I was disturbed about that.  Now we have President Trump and likewise protests.  Peaceful and little violent demonstrations like the far right after the Obama elections.  I had fear both times.  Not a fear of the President, but fear of the people who are so far left or right taking action.  I fear this more recently as the general divide has increased, and only some are left in the middle, trying to make sense of it all. 

I was sent this via text today, and it made me think—how true!   I am sure no one in America can say they do not have the same emotional rollercoaster on Facebook.   The person who sent this would cease using Facebook, but I think a break may also be suitable.   It seems nothing good comes out of it anymore, with more fake or twisted news or opinions I prefer to avoid as opposed to information I care about.

My son has recovered quite well from his ski accident.   He returns to work tomorrow, which should help him eliminate the boredom he has been fighting.  Ironically, he is heading to Peoria to work again.   I worked in Prior for several years and still don’t know how I feel about that time.   It is a unique place.

On a somber note, I again had another friend decide to commit suicide.  That made almost 20 acquaintances end their lives in the past few years.  This is not specific to any one gender or age group.  The youngest female was 15 years old, and the youngest male was 16 years old.  The oldest female was 61, and the oldest male was 64.  I am bothered by these events greatly.  One common issue I sense is that they all lost or greatly feared losing something precious to them.  The 15-year-old was being bullied, and the boy who showed interest supposedly dumped her for not having sex.  The boy had high expectations, and his girlfriend of a year dumped him harshly and rudely.  In the older adults, the female discovered her husband was having several affairs and left.  She was in financial despair.  A man I knew lost his wife, and his children wanted nothing to do with him.  The basketball player I wrote about in the last post is another one where the answer may never be known.  I do not do well with unknowns!

Based on past history, I empathize with those who left too soon. Likewise, it is more challenging when you get older, and you try harder to help people and be a good person but seem to fail more. I have had loved ones be increasingly critical over the past few years. Yet, I still do not understand the final trigger for those who ended their lives. That scares me!

I hoped for a good 2017, yet I still need to improve.  In fact, almost everything is worse only one month into this year!  I am using so much mental energy just to keep me going physically.  I know I need to take action or crash.  Yet that means not caring for those who rely on me or doing my job.  That is the hardest thing to accept and could push me over the edge.  Wish me luck tomorrow!

Carry on, my friends, carry on…

Another average year

It's been a while again.  Christmas came and went fast this year.  I received some great gifts, which were very appreciated!  My son purchased the Hue starter kit for me, and I LOVE IT.  I can turn off and on lights and dim them from almost anywhere using my phone or watch.  My girlfriend's husband bought me an Amazon Echo, which will arrive near the end of September.

I also received a homebrew kit for making root beer.  I have made two batches, and they turned out OK.  It is simpler than I thought, but there is still plenty of work and waiting!  I have found a place to buy sarsaparilla root and sassafra bark.  Finding wintergreen flavoring was also very hard, but I succeeded.

After the holidays, I was trying to focus on getting life (health) back on track.  Not so much work life, as that is the only life I have had in a few years.  This has been challenging, but I did it for myself.  Life just happens.

I was pleased, as my average workweek in 2016 was just under 50 hours a week.  Now, the total hours worked is divided by 52.  So it includes holidays and vacations.  I also did not make my goal of 100 days off, which includes weekends.  My 2017 goal is to average closer to 45 hours per week (or less) and have over 100 days off.  Again, the total hours are divided by 52, which includes weekends and vacation time.  Things are just hectic!

As many know, I worry excessively.  I realize that is a problem; sometimes, you must accept and live with it.  Though it was a good year, it was a challenging holiday season.  In early December, my son had an accident and broke his knee.  Odd for sure, yet it was a strange accident.  The most gruesome, to me, was the fact that he did not tear the ACL, but the ACL just ripped a portion of the femur out and separated from the femur.   So, I had a chance to get away to help care for him, and when I returned, I started a small workout routine.  The first two weeks were looking good, then…

I soon had left foot pain that was worse than I ever recall any pain I had in my life.  I have not gone to the physician, but I tried to be diagnosed.  At first, I thought the pain was a Fifth Metatarsal Fracture, as I had that in the right foot a decade ago, but it really feels like personal tendonitis.  The pain runs outside the ankle just in front of the bone.  This makes sense, as it is an overuse injury.  In my case, I blame improper training or the rapid increases in training and poor shoes.  So now I limp like a 100-year-old man with no respect for that past and no appreciation for the future.  

I also have been adjusting to "the dog" ruling the house.  If I get up to go to the bathroom at night, I return, and he is sprawled on half the bed.  Then, moving the 50-plus-pound goofball takes work.  By the time I return to bed, I can't sleep.  Just tiring!

I also was able to get out for some photography.  My girlfriend purchased an excellent sled for her granddaughter, and we could head for the hill on an adorable but cold day.   Here are a few pictures.  Note the nice sled and then the cardboard for the adults.

In somber news, I had another friend commit (or they assume) suicide last month.  A father of two grown children who worked hard to make ends meet.  He was able to see his children get their undergrad degrees.  Everyone thought he was pleased.  Life seemed just fine for him.  He, like me, was buried in his job.  We had talked about his fear of losing everything.  He felt he was losing his children, who rarely contacted him due to their busy lives.

I hear his wife asked for a divorce, and I get that pushed him over the edge?  Not sure.  The funeral was last Friday, and it was a sad and confusing day.   Then today, I read of a 19-year-old Northwestern basketball player (female) who supposedly committed suicide.  I will never understand, yet I sometimes think I do understand.  That is almost like so many things in life.

Carry on, my friends!  Carry on!