Sunday, September 20, 2015

Turned 53...

It has been a difficult year without an urge to workout including run or bike.  I am riding about half of the years past miles and finding riding it a chore as opposed to enjoyment.  I find it a task I complete.  Like getting to work or home. 

I turned 53 on Saturday, September 19.  I joked that I am self-diagnosed as dyslexic and I am 35.  The strange thing is I am in a time when living is not a struggle like it was in the earlier years.  I do not have a fear of losing my job and not being able to care for the family.  I do not have the desire to improve either.  Some say this is typical 50’s male issues while other say it is a problem that I have lost interest in what was once so enjoyable. 

Going into my weekend things were looking good.  This past week I was actually thinking I might start running again.  Just a little at a time with small goals.  Just to get out in the open and try to get this self doubt out of my system. 

This birthday was shaping up to be a good.  I had many people at work wish me happy birthday Friday.  The sincerity was refreshing.  My Saturday was good with my son during the day going to the bike shop, German festival and the Apple Store.  Later in the evening my girlfriend made dinner and a great Carrot Cake, my favorite.

Then Sunday morning I was up at 6:00 to prepare for a group bike ride.  It was a three-generation 32-mile bike ride.  I was trying to balance the ride with a variety of interests.  While it was a challenge and felt like I only made a few people mad, I was able to brush it off and try to enjoy my birthday weekend.  Then as the day went on, I was trying to be nice about a situation and all of a sudden I was being chastised like a two year old.  It was a very unpleasant situation. 

The positive feeling I was having from my 53rd birthday was just crushed.  I instantly had no urge to try running.  It just reduced me to the place I have been for months.  That place where I drudge along and take life as it comes.  I was just struggle with how mean spirited words can impact my psychological being in such a way.  How could it rip the joy I was starting to feel out of my chest?  While I will not understand it, I do know it was wrong to let it bother me the way it did. 

Then I recalled some lessons I learned in my collegiate years.  I need to be mentally strong and not sit around feeling sorry about my circumstances or how others have treated me. Instead, I need to take responsibility for my role in life and understand that life isn’t always easy or fair.  I need to stop others from controlling me, like tonight.  Tonight I let an inappropriate vengeance on my attempt to be kind give someone else power over me.

I also must quit complaining over thing I can’t control like lost luggage or traffic jams. Instead, I have focused on what I can’t control in my life. I need to understand I do not have to please everyone all the time. I need to say no or speak up when necessary and if it upsets someone, fine!  I strive to be kind and but can’t handle other people being upset if my effort to make them happy is taken with anger.

Either way, I am tired of so many things.  I need to really evaluate my past, present and decide my future.  I am hoping that my next post is a post with a positive outlook.  I write less as there has been less and less positive information to share. Let pray for a change.


Carry on my friends, carry on!

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