Turned 53...

It has been a challenging year without an urge to work out, including running or biking. I have been riding for about half of the past year and find riding a chore rather than an enjoyment. It is a task I complete, like getting to work or home. 

I turned 53 on Saturday, September 19.  I joked that I am self-diagnosed as dyslexic, and I am 35.  Strangely, I am in a time when living is not a struggle like in the earlier years.  I do not fear losing my job and being unable to care for the family.  I do not have the desire to improve either.  Some say this is a typical 50s male issue, while others say it is a problem that caused me to lose interest in what was once so enjoyable. 

Going into my weekend, things were looking good.  This past week, I thought I might start running again—just a little at a time with small goals—just to get out in the open and try to get this self-doubt out of my system. 

This birthday was shaping up to be good.  Many people at work wished me happy birthday on Friday.  The sincerity was refreshing.  My Saturday was good.  During the day, my son and I went to the bike shop, the German festival, and the Apple Store.  Later in the evening, my girlfriend made dinner and a great Carrot Cake, my favorite.

Then, I was up Sunday morning at 6:00 to prepare for a group bike ride.  It was a three-generation 32-mile bike ride.  I was balancing the ride with a variety of interests.  While it was a challenge, and I felt like I only made a few people mad, I could brush it off and try to enjoy my birthday weekend.  Then, as the day went on, I was trying to be nice about a situation, and suddenly, I was being chastised like a two-year-old.  It was a very unpleasant situation. 

The positive feeling I was having from my 53^rd birthday was just crushed.  I instantly had no urge to try running.  It just reduced me to the place I have been for months.  That place where I drudge along and take life as it comes.  I was just struggling with how mean-spirited words can impact my psychological being in such a way.  How could it rip the joy I was starting to feel out of my chest?  While I will not understand it, I do know it was wrong to let it bother me the way it did. 

Then, I recalled some lessons I learned in my collegiate years.  I need to be mentally strong and not sit around feeling sorry about my circumstances or how others have treated me.  Instead, I must take responsibility for my role and understand that life isn’t always easy or fair.  I need to stop others from controlling me, like tonight.  Tonight, I let an inappropriate vengeance on my attempt to be kind give someone else power over me.

I also must quit complaining about things I can’t control, like lost luggage or traffic jams.  Instead, I have focused on what I can control in my life.  I need to understand that I do not always have to please everyone.  I need to say no or speak up when necessary, and if it upsets someone, fine!  I strive to be kind, but I can’t handle other people’s upset if my effort to make them happy is taken with anger.

Either way, I am tired of so many things.  I need to really evaluate my past and present and decide my future.  I hope that my next post has a positive outlook.  I write less as there has been less positive information to share.  Let’s pray for a change.

Carry on, my friends, carry on!