Now I know I am fat. Really fat. It is frustrating, and I have to do something about it. I am going to hire a nutritionist and get back on track. It just makes little sense. I know what to do, but it does not seem to work. Chest pains are still off and on in the same manner that they have been for years. I don't know the main issue, but the doctor said there is no issue. Oh well, he is the Doctor.
I spoiled myself and bought a Garmin Edge 500 for my bicycle. I'm getting excited about the weather improving so I can ride to work. I've been sleeping better. The Nedimed sinus rinse has been excellent. Although often the right side is clear, the left will not. Both sides emptied like a giant marble tonight, and it felt great.
I’m still working 11-12 hours daily and working through lunch. I eat breakfast and lunch at the office desk. Will I ever get caught up? Who knows, but at least I have a good-paying job.
I'm still sad about how my girlfriend often reminds me that “it’s my house” and other things. Do I need to get off the pot and move on? I think. She is just as independent and possessive as one could be. Whatever happened to sharing? Easter is coming, and I have that to look forward to. Of course, when writing, it is hard to sense sarcasm. This is another holiday when everyone with nothing in common gets together as if they had something. Really fun. Where is a root canal when we need one?
Oh, I should not be such an ass, but I do not enjoy these gatherings. I can’t recall the last time I enjoyed such a gathering. It could be just me not having a sense of belonging anywhere.
A sense of belonging is a cause of many problems in the world. Some people spend their whole lives struggling to find a place to belong to, whether it is religion, nation, culture, or race. In many cases, the things that create the sense of belonging are negative aspects of being human, such as drug addictions, alcoholism, racism, and mental/physical afflictions. They tend to strengthen the sense of belonging. In a way, they have recourse in the things they criticize.
Belonging is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, you want to belong because you feel lonely, so you seek out others who share certain similarities, but on the other, you don’t want to be categorized and generalized. You conveniently switch your position depending on merit. You want to eat your cake, have it too, and never be lonely.
This is not to say that I never feel lonely. Loneliness is a natural feeling. We all feel it occasionally, but that does not mean it needs to be fixed. We have a mechanical tendency to try to fix everything negative, but not every negative thing needs to be fixed. Science and technology have blown up our egos so much that we feel there is a solution for everything negative, that we have no reason to feel anything negative, and that we can do away with every negative feeling. When I see these people who are constantly running around trying to fix their negative emotions, I feel like telling them to calm down, that it is only on TV and in Hollywood movies that people attain eternal bliss, that it is perfectly normal to be feeling what they are feeling, and that they should stop fixing everything. Ironically, most of these people are busy fixing unfixable problems and don’t even try to fix fixable issues.
Life has a funny way of teaching us its essence. Often, it is our struggles that make us struggle. Eventually, we realized that the footprints of the crook we were chasing were our own. Only by stepping back and examining our behaviors can we see the big circle in which we were going around and around. That is all I do. I go around and around until I realize that pursuing a sense of belonging makes me feel lonelier.
