FRUSTRATED

I often feel more like a servant than a human being. I'm unsure what God has planned for me, and like many others, I don't experience a life filled with joy, happiness, and well-being. I am in Lincoln, Nebraska, where Shelley will hold her father's “Celebration of Life” tomorrow. This time, I am more lenient toward her “it’s all about me” attitude, though I am tired.

Frustrated with constantly being her sherpa, I recently spent a trip to Utah as the full-time driver so she could relax and enjoy the scenery. I was the one lugging her enormous suitcase up and down stairs and accommodating her specific environmental preferences for our stay. I had to stick to her rigid schedule for meals and relaxation. She dictates what happens, where, when, and how, and I support her needs.

Yesterday was a prime example. I wanted to stop and pick up a Nebraska Softball sweatshirt to wear while watching today's game. She was unhappy with the request because she had a 4:30 PM Artistry Board meeting. Artistry meetings are constant and often dictate plans. I wish she would quit, as I have told her for years. It is a losing cause. There are limited donors, and the local theater trying to go big-time is not successful without a significant donor, which it lacks.

So I convinced her we could leave at 9:00 AM instead of 10:00 AM, thinking there would be plenty of time. Her first words were, “I was hoping to sleep in, get a walk in, and enjoy her leisurely breakfast.” She conceded, saying she has been getting up early all week and hasn’t slept well because of the pending event. We were up and out of the house by 9:00 AM. Of course, another Shelley moment. I put my protein drinks in a generic bag, and she immediately got all uptight. She said the drinks belong in a different bag. I asked what the difference was, and she replied that they need to be in order so things don’t get messed up. Once again, her way is non-negotiable. In addition, I spent the time packing the car and quickly had a protein smoothie. I figured that would be fine, as we can have an early dinner.

As we were leaving, I stayed on the passenger side in the garage. I had hoped she would drive for a bit. I could see her reluctance as she climbed into the driver’s seat. That was short-lived, as she soon said she felt sick. I think she realized she hadn’t gotten her way and that I would be the one to drive. So I took over the next 4 hours of driving! 

We stopped, and I grabbed a sweatshirt as planned. Quick and easy, maybe a 10-minute detour. Then Shelley decided she needed to search for a shirt. She looked, and looked, and looked. Couldn’t decide. 20 minutes later, she made a decision, and we were on our way, without the significant time cushion I had planned. When we arrived at the Annabell Gardens at 3:55 PM, I told her I was very hungry and did not want to eat late. The Doctor has said some of my health issues could be closely related to evening GERD and that I should restrict eating after 6:00 PM. I have told Shelley this at least 50 times. Even when the Doctor first emphasized it, and she was still working, we kept her schedule and ate at 7:00 PM, since she got home from work at 6:00 PM.

So I thought I would cook. Then it got cold because she would arrive at 7:00 PM. I started cooking early to eat alone, but that made things worse because I was now disrespecting her, her job, and her responsibilities, which led to a later dinner. This set the stage for yesterday.

As I mentioned earlier, I told her I preferred not to eat late. She replied that her meeting would end by 5:30 PM and suggested we could quickly grab something afterward. I waited, hungry, having had only a smoothie and a handful of nuts all day. Time dragged on, and by 6:00 PM, I resorted to a protein shake for dinner. Meanwhile, she kept chatting, and it was almost 6:30 PM when we finally headed to Pinera for her dinner. I felt a wave of disappointment again, despite repeatedly expressing my desire not to eat late. It seemed once more that her responsibilities and wishes took precedence. If I had gone to eat at 4:30 PM, as I preferred, she likely would have criticized me or at least made her disapproval known.

So here I was, very disappointed again! Then she tells me she told the Artistry Board she is available until 2:00 PM today for anything. We came here early to verify preparations and relax. Also, being here yesterday meant I could catch some softball games instead of having to drive today. I have talked about wanting to watch the series for months! That was also squashed, as Shelley reminded me we are here for her father’s funeral, and if I have to miss those games to accommodate the plans, so be it! I get it. That means if she needs me to drive her around, I need to be ready on her cue!

So upset, I went to the lobby, where she joined me later. I then asked her whether her aunt could navigate the stairs. She looked at me like I had lost my mind, but then realized the meeting room she had was on the second floor with no elevator. Well, this has now become my problem to solve for her!

I had had enough and retreated to the room, where I obsessively worked on the genealogy conversion and the baseball schedules before finally going to bed. Shelly had the fan blasting on high, and the temperature hovered near 60 degrees. I was freezing, shivering uncontrollably. When I mentioned the frigid temperature and the relentless fan to her, the look she shot me was dead, murderous. I endured it, desperately trying to sleep. But trying is the keyword—my body's used to my upstairs room being at least 15 degrees warmer than her icy chamber at night. I’d acclimated, or so I thought. She doesn’t adapt; instead, she keeps her room chillingly cold and the fan running year-round, with a disturbing, unwavering conviction.

And then comes her snoring. She complains to me if the C-PAP is too loud. But I need to sleep with earplugs, and she brushes it off like I should not expect her to stop snoring. It’s natural for her, but me, by god better not turn over in the night in fear of waking her!

Sorry for the venting, but I needed to write it down, as that helps with the emotions. Yet I am tired of being a full-time servant rather than a friend.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Sick again

 I was concerned about what was happening. Midway through our vacation last week, my voice suddenly disappeared. The pain in my throat was so severe that swallowing became difficult, and it even kept me awake at night. Despite this, I managed to make the rest of the vacation a good experience for Shelley. That was important to me because she had lost her father two weeks earlier, which had been very difficult for her. It was clear how much he meant to her, as I observed them together for 12 hours each day during his last two days.

In my process of overcoming personal challenges, I often prefer composing songs rather than jotting notes in a diary. Over the past 35 years, I have written more than 100 songs. The advent of artificial intelligence has been a wonderful development, allowing me to set some of my lyrics to music. This has been nice. One such song I composed reflects on Shelley and my father's final days, capturing my observations during that time.

Put on the Husker shirt makes him look proud and tall

Angels hang outside the window, waiting to take it all

His hands were worn as hickory, his heart is so soft and low

And I knew by the silence, it was time to let Papa go

She holds his hand steady, and he tries to smile

Like he was saying, “Come sit with me a while.”

The clock stops ticking, like he knew what I knew

There ain’t a storm that teaches a lesson, Of what goodbyes can do

[Chorus]

Time to let papa go (time to let papa go)

Lay him down slow (lay him down slow)

If love is a river, it still has to flow

But it’s Time to let Papa go (time to let papa go)

The lights burn gold, from the halo on his head

Songs on the radio say, There is more to be said

He clings to her hand tightly, trying to be strong

But he knows he must let go, life is almost gone

She tells him old stories, and he squeezes her hand tight

Like saying “keep your heart open.”, “Don’t you lose your light”

Then his room got quieter; there is quiet outside

As she kissed his rough forehead, I saw her whole world in my eyes

REPEAT CHORUS

She recalls the lessons he provided during his time

He gave her strong roots; this is a reason and a sign

She will carry his stories deep into her chest

When her hands get shaky, she’ll do her best

REPEAT CHORUS

REPEAT CHORUS

Oh, they loved him with all their heart

Now they have to  let him go

I digressed - as I often do!  After returning from the trip, I went to the doctor. I thought of four possible causes:

1. I had been bitten by two ticks, one of which was embedded deep in my skin. It was very small and light brown. I was concerned about Lyme disease because I was experiencing tingling and a couple of headaches. 
2. We are at 8,500 feet, and the air is dry. I thought that, and the potential for altitude sickness was the cause. Especially since I started feeling bad 18 hours after being at a higher elevation.
3. I thought it might be strep throat, but since Shelley wasn't getting sick, I wasn’t sure that was valid. 
4. I thought I might be having major problems with my GERD. I do know that his throat issues can often be caused by acid reflux, which has been a problem for me. At home, I sleep with the head of my bed elevated anywhere from 8 to 10 inches. On the trip, however, that was not possible. I was lying flat and eating late, which is common.

The doctor conducted a comprehensive series of tests and X-rays. The results were reassuring, ruling out Lyme disease, tick-borne illnesses, and strep. The X-ray also showed no signs of pneumonia or other related complications. However, a concerning aspect was that my hemoglobin level was again low at 41 ug/dL, significantly below baseline at 61 ug/dL. Additionally, my iron saturation index was 11%, which is below the normal baseline of 15%. Further tests revealed that my MCH was low at 25.4 pg/mL compared to the baseline of 26.5 pg/mL, and my MCHC was 30.9 g/dL, below the standard of 34.5 g/dL. My physician said to rest and come back if it doesn’t improve.

Despite the favorable results, I continue to experience dizziness and fatigue, and there has been no improvement in my voice or throat. After conducting research, I believe these symptoms may be related to GERD. Specifically, I suspect Laryngopharyngeal Reflux (LPR), also known as "silent reflux." This condition involves acid reaching the larynx and pharynx without typical heartburn, resulting in chronic hoarseness, a sensation of a lump in the throat, and a persistent need to clear the throat. Chronic acid exposure can cause inflammation (laryngitis), and over time, may lead to the formation of nodules or polyps on the vocal cords, which can alter the pitch and strength of the voice, as illustrated in this video. I plan to resume proton pump inhibitors (PPIs), despite my reservations, due to their potential impact on memory and long-term cognitive health. In the past, I have noticed memory issues when taking them.

What I hate most is that I was doing well for three weeks, losing weight, and then I got sick. As an afterthought, I wondered if the illness might have been COVID. Then I had two good weeks, and this illness hit. I really am getting tired of this roller coaster! 

I need to carry on!

Legs, where are you?

Over the past few weeks, I have been experiencing severe fatigue and leg pain. Initially, I suspected it was COVID-19 that set me back, but now I am experiencing this pain. Even after a brief period of inactivity, I find it challenging to move my legs when I rise from a seated position. My gait resembles that of someone who has completed a 100-mile ultramarathon. I am perplexed by the nature of this issue. Once I get moving, walking improves, but it is still very hard.

I am going to focus on anti-inflammatory foods. Since I am not a fish lover, I am taking chia seeds daily, eating blueberries, raspberries, cherries, and spinach, cooking with olive oil, turmeric, ginger, and cinnamon, and avoiding processed foods. Not sure if this will help, but this is not an enjoyable experience. 

I did get on two bike rides yesterday and today. Today was 24 miles with minimal battery use. It was good, but it did not loosen up the legs. The Bosch E-bike report is to the right.

Shelly has been so preoccupied with her father that I think she is in denial or hiding a high level of grief that is affecting her life. She is harder to talk to and really is not here. She was driving to meet me for the bike ride today, and she took the wrong highway, ending up miles out of her way before she realized it. I fully understand her faults, and I need to be more watchful over her. She even let her late aunt’s credit card payment go past due. She is the executor of the estate.

Her father fell a few days ago. He subsequently inquired about Shelley’s presence today, seeking confirmation that his daughter had been there. Shelley’s primary objective was to help her father recognize her as his daughter. The entire situation presents a profound challenge in terms of comprehension and acceptance.

A gash on his head from a fall, looks like this all day

Blood from that fall they can't get out

Having endured numerous deaths throughout my life, I have come to understand that coping with such events is never entirely straightforward. However, I find it somewhat easier to accept the inevitability of death. I have a personal statement that encapsulates my sentiment: “I only hope that I will live long enough to encounter the challenges associated with old age, as many individuals did not have the opportunity to experience such a phase.”

Shelley’s circumstances make this particularly difficult to understand. Apart from her dogs, she has only recently lost her mother, her aunt in February, and now her father. Her limited life experiences have hindered her ability to process the concept of death. Occasionally, I find myself envious of her situation, only to realize that experiencing multiple deaths means I am not currently facing the same emotional struggles she is. While it may be tempting to believe that life is always better in someone else’s circumstances, it is important to acknowledge that the challenges we face are often unique to our own experiences. The grass is always greener, but then again, it is harder to mow.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Phase 2?

It’s been a week since my last blog post. My plans got pushed back because I was worried I might have COVID or tendinitis. I lost my sense of smell (which was a huge relief since I didn’t have to deal with unpleasant smells like farts), had a hard time breathing, felt weak, and had some serious muscle aches. But guess what? I started feeling better about two days ago! 

That’s good because I’ve almost regained all the weight I lost in the first 12 days of this month. My current weight is 312.8 pounds; I wonder if some of the gain isn’t muscle. I find it easier now to do more than 10 pushups in the morning and to hold a 30-second plank, whereas three weeks ago I struggled to hold even 10 seconds. So far this month, I’ve biked 144 miles, walked 4 miles, and done elliptical workouts and weight training during my gym visits. I need to do more, but again, there were four days when I could do little or nothing!

I’ve been looking into the medicines my doctor gave me. She mentioned up to seven, but I turned down three, so I’m now taking four, though only two of them are taken regularly, like iron. She thinks I should be on more drugs than I am; I don’t see any real benefits. After looking into it, it seems like there might be more downsides than upsides. For example, I’ve been dealing with anemia and breathing problems as side effects. I’ve decided that I’d rather spend the next 10 to 12 years without all these side effects, feel better, and not live into my mid-80s than struggle through the pain I’m experiencing now with some of these medications. I’ve been off them for three days, and I’m not reaching for an inhaler as often anymore. Already feeling better!

I was really surprised to find out that one of the medications is a Black Box drug, which has been around for over 50 years. It seems to cause muscle strain, major stomach problems, and a significant impact on B vitamins, along with other issues that are a bit surprising. One side effect was anemia! I’ve been dealing with anemia at a high level for the past few years. I almost think it’s linked to his medicine because they can’t seem to pinpoint what else might be causing it! So, I decided not to take it anymore. I don’t need to see my physician until January, and she doesn’t need to know until then. It’s just frustrating these days. They seem to spend more time trying to convince patients they should take medicine that only causes issues, which you then take another medicine for—this cycle just keeps repeating until I realize you’re taking 10 or 12 different medicines every day.

I decided to go for a long bicycle ride on Saturday since the weather was forecast to be over 70°. I headed out and really enjoyed the ride! Then I turned around and realized I had a tailwind blowing at 20 to 25 miles per hour for the first 7 miles. My goal was to ride for a couple of hours, and I achieved that, covering 27 miles, but I was exhausted. I had committed to limiting the use of the electric bike. The electric bike report shows that most of the work was done by me.

So I hope that I do not fall ill or have pain like earlier this month. I was doing well for the first 10 days and need to maintain that effort. Here’s to success.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

That hurts!

 I’m frustrated! I was doing well with my exercise and weight loss until Monday. I woke up that day with severe pain in the back of my right knee. It seemed like the pain was slightly above the knee, near the hamstring. When I put pressure on it, it felt like tendinitis. I know I increased my exercise a bit more than I probably should have, but it’s very hard to walk without a major limp.

It’s a shame, but unfortunately, that's just how it is when you're my age. To my delight, I haven’t seen much change in my weight over the past three days with little exercise. I reached 309.2 pounds on March 9 (when I woke up in pain), down from 313.9 pounds on March 1. I am now 309.9 pounds, which is three pounds less in 12 days. That means I am within my minimum goal of losing at least 2 pounds per week. Again, the goal is to weigh around 250 pounds for my son’s wedding in September.

I also wonder if part of my issue has been related to my heavy congestion, difficulty breathing, and complete loss of smell. I didn’t test for COVID-19, but I suspect I might have contracted it. I did not take a test to confirm my suspicions. That could explain why I’ve been struggling over the past five days. My sense of smell has been absent for at least five days, and I'm just beginning to regain some of it. For example, on Monday, if I put Vicks VapoRub right up to my nose, I couldn't smell it! Now, today, I can tell it's Vicks VapoRub by smell, but if I had my full sense of smell, it would be much stronger. I hope that in the next few days, my sinuses and leg will feel better so I can start working out again. But until then, I will just watch what I eat and carefully follow my weight-loss schedule.

I have also, in my downtime, let my mind wander all over the place. I started thinking about some things I knew as a kid and realized how many I no longer use at all. Some of them were:

1. I am one wrong decision away from making headlines on the front page. - You have done so many things wrong that it will be highly newsworthy!
2. Hold your horses. - Before cars, this phrase reminded people to slow down and control their horses—figuratively, their impatience.
3. Don’t get your knickers in a twist. - A phrase used to tell someone not to overreact.
4. Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle! - A way to express disbelief. 
5. It’s like herding cats. - Refers to trying to control something difficult to manage.
6. Heavens to Betsy! – an exclamation of surprise. I’ve never known who Betsy was.
7. A stitch in time saves nine. It means fixing problems early before they get worse.
8. I wouldn’t count my chickens before they hatch. - Someone should not rely on something they hope for until they are sure it will happen.
9. There’s no point in beating a dead horse. - Not to keep talking about a subject that has already been discussed or decided.
10. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. - You shouldn’t criticize a gift, even if you don’t like it very much.
11. I’m plum tuckered out. - It means completely exhausted or extremely tired. The phrase is a colloquial way of expressing extreme fatigue.
12. Well, I declare. - An exclamation of surprise.
13. You’re just trying to butter me up. - To flatter someone excessively, often to gain favor or get something in return.
14. A stitch in time saves nine. - It’s better to deal with a problem early rather than waiting until it worsens and requires more effort to fix.
15. I’m so mad I could spit nails. - An expression of strong frustration.
16. Don’t take any wooden nickels. - This meant “be careful” or watch out for trickery.
17. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. - The person or problem that complains the most is the one most likely to get attention or be addressed.
18. You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. - Achieving a desired outcome often requires sacrifices or enduring some damage or hardship.
19. I haven’t seen you since you were knee-high to a grasshopper - someone who has grown substantially since the last time they were seen.
20. You’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar. - Being kind and polite is more effective in achieving your goals than being harsh or rude.
21. This isn’t my first rodeo. - Someone has experience in a specific situation and isn’t easily surprised or intimidated.
22. Blood is thicker than water. - A family bond will always be stronger than other relationships, and family comes first.
23. Make hay while the sun shines. - Take advantage of your opportunity while the moment lasts.
24. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. - You can give someone an opportunity or the means to do something, but you can’t force them to take it.
25. Don’t cry over spilled milk. - There’s no use in being upset about something that already happened and can’t be changed.
26. You’re preaching to the choir. - Arguing with people who already agree with you.
27. Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes! - It’s so good to see you!
28. Let’s bury the hatchet - to end a conflict and become friendly.
29. That doesn’t amount to a hill of beans. - Used in negative statements to show something has very little value or isn’t important. 
30. The early bird catches the worm. - Those who begin early or act quickly are more likely to succeed or achieve their goals.
31. Don’t judge a book by its cover. - You shouldn’t judge someone or something only based on what you see on the outside or what you perceive without understanding the full situation.

That is enough rambling. Time to call it a night and hope I feel better tomorrow!

Carry on, my friends, carry on.

Continued Focus time!

Shelley has been having a very difficult time with the death of her aunt and problems with her father. It seems like daily, her dad has a severe diarrhea episode and isn’t functioning very well.

Shelley forgot to pay the electric bill and has been a bit scatterbrained about other things, all because she's focused on her aunt and her father. That makes sense, and I realize I really need to pay closer attention to ensure that the things she normally takes care of don’t fall by the wayside.

Additionally, my sister needed a knee replacement, and I have been her chauffeur. I don't mind because I am retired, and it gives me a chance to get out and about. Near her physical therapy location, there’s a free charger, so I basically get to charge for free while she is getting her treatment.

I am on the fifth day of tracking my weight and exercise in great detail. I haven’t started tracking my diet yet because I didn’t want it to feel overwhelming or to lose focus. I’m pleased that, according to the scale, I have lost 2 pounds after the first five days. I notice that being accountable to weigh myself every day makes me think twice before grabbing a snack—just before I put it in my mouth. That alone is a good deterrent from emotional eating. I'm just hoping this continues at a steady pace, as my goal is to lose 2.5 pounds per week, aiming to be near 250 pounds for my son’s wedding.

My sleep has been somewhat stable, although I have been using various sleep medications or aids. For example, I took Advil PM two of the last three nights, and I also took the prescription meds, half of a dose, on the other nights. According to my chart, my sleep score has been between 80 and 85, which is good. What I have noticed is that it takes me a lot longer to fall asleep than it used to. However, once I do fall asleep, I tend not to wake up more than once to go to the bathroom, which is good, as it has occasionally been two or three times a night.

I’ve been going through a bunch of old images lately and found some pretty cool ones. Some samples are below, enjoy.

 

 

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Focus time

It’s March 1, 2026. I am officially 87 pounds heavier than I was on the same date twenty years ago and 27 pounds heavier than I was ten years ago. I’ve been frustrated with my weight for years and concluded it was due to stress, anxiety, and aging. When I retired, I lost 25 pounds in the first six months (gained 13 pounds back in the past year). In February 2025, I started to feel dizzy, short of breath, extremely fatigued, with cold hands and feet, and my heart racing. I knew the problem! Anemia was once again pushing me into oblivion!

I contacted my Physician with concerns, and she emphasized taking the prescribed 325 MG of Ferrous Sulfate at least every other day. I wanted a blood test, but she stated the oral iron should be enough. It was in June 2025 that I finally convinced the Physician to do a blood test, as the stomach pain and anemia issues were really impacting my life. I believe taking Ferrous Sulfate should help, but it also caused stomach pain, and I think it increased bleeding. 

The blood test verified my suspicion!

• Hemoglobin should be 13.5 - 17.5 g/dL - I was 10.3 or 76% of the minimum
• Ferritin should be 26-388 ng/ml - I was 13 or 50% of the minimum
• Iron should be 35-180 ug/dl - I was 18 or 51% of the minimum

Therefore, in August, I was able to proceed with infusions. I also convinced my Physician to refer me to a Hematologist. However, the first appointment was three months away. That was frustrating, but it was my only option!  

After the infusions, I felt better and am now fully recovered. The infusion may have helped, but it only brought me close to the baseline. My Physician agreed to do another blood test. After the infusions, I was still below the threshold.

• Hemoglobin should be 13.5 - 17.5 g/dL - I was 12.7 or 94% of the minimum
• Ferritin should be 26-388 ng/ml - I was 21 or 80% of the minimum
• Iron should be 35-180 ug/dl - I was 23 or 65% of the minimum

I met with the Hematologist in November. He did another blood test, and my levels stayed the same, still below the minimum thresholds. So, I was planning to get another round of infusions, four months after the last one. I had a follow-up blood test six weeks later, and my numbers looked good after 6 infusions! The numbers were:

• Hemoglobin should be 13.5 - 17.5 g/dL - I was 14.8 - mid-range of recommended
• Ferritin should be 26-388 ng/ml - I was 59 or slightly above the minimum
• Iron should be 35-180 ug/dl - I was 126 or slightly above mid-range recommendation

When I met with the hematologist, he ordered blood tests every 3 months and mentioned we might need to do annual infusions if my levels aren’t maintained. He attributes the issue to a large hiatal hernia I have and believes I slowly lose blood from that problem. 

So, that brings us to March 1, 2026. I am feeling better two months after completing my last infusions. One of the best ways to reduce health issues is to lose weight. So today, I started tracking again, as I did in 2006. I’ll weigh myself each morning when I wake up. I also do a few push-ups and timed planks before starting the day. I will monitor my diet and do some form of exercise every day. I'll vary the routine to ensure adequate rest. On an off day, it might only include a 45-minute walk around the neighborhood. Today was a great 16-mile bike ride!

I aim to get this under control so I can enjoy retirement again. Wish me luck!

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Life goes on - for some

 A few posts ago, I wrote about my new car, a 2023 Kia EV6. Going all electric with matte paint just felt right. I also decided, for the first time ever, to go with personalized license plates. I chose LND LPZ. It should have been LNDL PZ, but I wanted it to look traditional with three letters on each side.

Since then, the dealer has sent me several items, mostly just partner promotions. Today I received the Luther Advantage card, which offers 10 cents off a gallon of gas and $6.00 off any car wash. I believe this is typical, but to me, it was amusing for the following reasons:

1. The Kia EV6 is an electric car, and I have no need for gas. So the 10 cents per gallon off will not be used.
2. There was a specific instruction not to use a car wash as the soap and the brushes are not good for the matte paint finish. So the car wash discount is worthless.

You would think they would have known this and not mailed it to me, but then again, I believe it’s similar to my past experiences with Luther Automotive. They follow a script to make themselves appear professional, but put little effort into personalizing the experience. It’s always been like a well-defined process at every step!

A goodbye performance

This past week has been filled with many emotions related to Shelley. Her aunt Karen decided decades ago that when she felt her memory was declining and she believed her quality of life had diminished, she would begin voluntarily stopping eating or drinking (VSED). VSED is a deliberate, self-initiated effort to hasten death in cases where suffering is refractory to optimal palliative interventions or when someone finds prolonged dying intolerable. She started it nine days ago, and last night she passed. 

Additionally, on Monday, her father was admitted to the hospital again due to a blood disorder. He has had health issues since he experienced sepsis a year ago. After four days in the hospital, she decided that hospice was the best option and moved him back to Suite Living.

Jon looks so lost and gone

Between Karen’s passing and her dad's deterioration, she cried a lot last night. I had a long discussion, and she knows it is all for the best, yet she has had very few experiences with death. I see life differently than she does, especially as age creates problems and people pass away. I have experienced several deaths of acquaintances under 10 years old and well over 50 for those under 50. 

So, when Karen calls it a life at 83 years old, and her dad may not reach 87, I claim they are so lucky to get to live long enough to experience those issues. Many are not. Additionally, as the pastor said at my nephew’s passing at age two, God has a plan, and if it is two years, live it while you can. Dwelling on it only takes away opportunities to enjoy the life we have.

Carry on my friends, carry on!