Preganant Zone (Prednisone)

Prednisone is a synthetic corticosteroid drug that is used to treat a variety of conditions.  In my case, I was on it for several years as part of the issues infections I fought from 2009 through 2013.  I had fluid accumulation in the brain and a type of inflammation in both eyes.

Essentially, Prednisone mimicked my body’s natural hormones, which the adrenal glands produce.  When prescribed in significant doses, Prednisone helps suppress inflammation.  I also called it the pregnant zone, as it really impacted me with weight gain.  I have been off the medicine for over two years, and I am finally feeling closer to normal again!

What I have experienced is withdrawal.  I think my body and brain became dependent on Prednisone for everyday functioning.  I was not a high dose, only 30-40 mg per day.

When I went off Prednisone, it was cold turkey.  I had significant withdrawal issues.  They say it takes time for the body to make cortical on its own again.  Cortisol stimulates gluconeogenesis (glucose formation), activating antistress and anti-inflammatory pathways.   For a few years, I have had significant inflammatory issues!  I think this was a major cause.  I also have many issues I believe are related to Prednisone withdrawal.  They include:

• Weight gain is the most dreaded side–effects of steroid use.  In addition to causing weight gain, Prednisone leads to a redistribution of body fat to undesirable places, particularly the face, back of the neck, and abdomen.  I have never been heavier than when I was on or coming off Prednisone!
• My recent history of intense abdominal pain is a common withdrawal symptom.  The pain when I stopped taking Prednisone was debilitating at times.  Now, it is just a little pain, occasionally.
• I often felt depressed!  My anxiety level was sky-high.  My son was driven nuts by my anxiety, yet I could never tell him of the issues I was having.  It is my problem, not his.
• The worst has been severe body aches.  I felt, at times, I was unable to move.
• As part of three withdrawals, I would have dizziness at a life-impacting level. 
• The most pressing issue was fatigue.  I am expected to deal with extreme fatigue and low energy levels, as I no longer have adequate amounts of cortisol to provide the body with energy.
• I do not have headaches, but in the past few years, I have had some headaches that would hurt more if I so much as blinked.
• Another issue is suicidal thoughts.  While I never thought about actually taking the next step, I would rush across a bridge as I thought about leaping off the side.  This was really bad when I first discontinued Prednisone use. 
• A frustrating issue was muscle weakness and the overall sense of malaise.

I have read quite a bit about Prednisone withdrawal.  In some cases, it has taken 12 to 24 months before experiencing a complete “recovery” back to homeostasis.  I am 28 months old, and finally, I feel like an end is in sight.  I hope I am right and things will look up in 2017.  Only more time will tell.

Carry on, my friends, carry on…

“That’s a modest way of bragging”

Today at the office, I told a co-worker I was proud this year I have only averaged 6.7 work hours per day (47-hour weeks' average) if I worked all seven days of the week.  I stated that I was happy it had decreased from last year to 7.9 hours a week (55-hour weeks).  I explained that it is based on total hours worked divided by the number of days (365 days for a calendar year).  So yes, I worked 6.7 hours a day every year.  Of course, I had not been in the office every day, as I have 53 days (including weekends) that I was not in the office at all.  Over half of those days were two vacations and moving my son.

I made the statement because I was proud that I was improving on my goal to return to a manageable work schedule.  She said, "That's a modest way of bragging." I felt terrible!  That was not my intent at all.  In fact, I was happy I reduced the time spent working but also not glad I was still taking too much time off for our office. 

My goal is to be closer to 6 hours or less.  The typical employee who works Monday through Friday has 11 Holidays and 10 vacation days and would average 5.2 work hours a day if they worked all 365 days.  This is also 37 hours a week.  My goal is to be at 42 hours a week or less. 

We have a professional office staff of 8.  At the peak of the economy in 2007, we were an office of 11.  We worked more than wild animals during that period to meet the demand.  Of course, only the three non-union staff members, me being one, get the privilege of working without overtime pay, so the other five are basically 8-4:30, and we pick up where we are behind.  

From 2005 to 2009, I could work out and was much happier.  Then the economy fell, and we were a staff of 6 at one time.  As I stated, we built up to 8 staff, but more are needed.  I wish my ego would let me toss my arms and say, "You have to wait a week for an answer," or even, "Wait a month as you're on the pile." That is the reputation of government; we just do what we need and make you wait.  I can't do that to people. 

A staff member on maternity leave recently came in and told us she would not be returning.  So, we have a staff of 7, when we could easily have used closer to the 11 we had to accomplish the workload in 2007.  Then there is the other side: finding good employees is becoming possible.

What it comes down to is that I take a high degree of personal responsibility and care for our team's success.  I meet people on nights and weekends because they need help getting into City Hall during regular work hours.  

This is how I was raised, so I work as hard as possible to keep us functioning.  I usually go to work at 6:30 AM and work past 7:00 PM during the week just to return voicemails and e-mails I get during the day.  I tried one week in September to force myself to leave at 5:00 PM for a week, and I was over 110 e-mails behind by the end of the week.  I spend 14 hours over the weekend to get caught up!  So that did not work.

I'm figuring out how to keep this up, as I know my health is impacted.  Stress is at an all-time high.  I am so fatigued that I find walking hard, let alone working out.  I am trying to figure out what choice there is to keep the high customer service standards I have for dealing with people.  I either have issues with my personal beliefs or keep doing what I am doing. 

So it was not a "modest way of bragging" but admitting I was getting close to failing.  I hate to fail, but things need to change, and I am trying to figure out how to change them.  It may be time to evaluate changing careers, but I can retire if I hold out six more years.  But if this keeps up, I wonder if there will be much of a retirement.  In the past decade, I had two friends retire and die within 4 years.  It should be an easy decision, but it is another difficult choice I cannot make now, as I do not have time to do anything but work, eat, and sleep.  Makes me tired, fat, and unhappy.

Carry on, my friends, carry on...

Turned 53...

It has been a challenging year without an urge to work out, including running or biking. I have been riding for about half of the past year and find riding a chore rather than an enjoyment. It is a task I complete, like getting to work or home. 

I turned 53 on Saturday, September 19.  I joked that I am self-diagnosed as dyslexic, and I am 35.  Strangely, I am in a time when living is not a struggle like in the earlier years.  I do not fear losing my job and being unable to care for the family.  I do not have the desire to improve either.  Some say this is a typical 50s male issue, while others say it is a problem that caused me to lose interest in what was once so enjoyable. 

Going into my weekend, things were looking good.  This past week, I thought I might start running again—just a little at a time with small goals—just to get out in the open and try to get this self-doubt out of my system. 

This birthday was shaping up to be good.  Many people at work wished me happy birthday on Friday.  The sincerity was refreshing.  My Saturday was good.  During the day, my son and I went to the bike shop, the German festival, and the Apple Store.  Later in the evening, my girlfriend made dinner and a great Carrot Cake, my favorite.

Then, I was up Sunday morning at 6:00 to prepare for a group bike ride.  It was a three-generation 32-mile bike ride.  I was balancing the ride with a variety of interests.  While it was a challenge, and I felt like I only made a few people mad, I could brush it off and try to enjoy my birthday weekend.  Then, as the day went on, I was trying to be nice about a situation, and suddenly, I was being chastised like a two-year-old.  It was a very unpleasant situation. 

The positive feeling I was having from my 53^rd birthday was just crushed.  I instantly had no urge to try running.  It just reduced me to the place I have been for months.  That place where I drudge along and take life as it comes.  I was just struggling with how mean-spirited words can impact my psychological being in such a way.  How could it rip the joy I was starting to feel out of my chest?  While I will not understand it, I do know it was wrong to let it bother me the way it did. 

Then, I recalled some lessons I learned in my collegiate years.  I need to be mentally strong and not sit around feeling sorry about my circumstances or how others have treated me.  Instead, I must take responsibility for my role and understand that life isn’t always easy or fair.  I need to stop others from controlling me, like tonight.  Tonight, I let an inappropriate vengeance on my attempt to be kind give someone else power over me.

I also must quit complaining about things I can’t control, like lost luggage or traffic jams.  Instead, I have focused on what I can control in my life.  I need to understand that I do not always have to please everyone.  I need to say no or speak up when necessary, and if it upsets someone, fine!  I strive to be kind, but I can’t handle other people’s upset if my effort to make them happy is taken with anger.

Either way, I am tired of so many things.  I need to really evaluate my past and present and decide my future.  I hope that my next post has a positive outlook.  I write less as there has been less positive information to share.  Let’s pray for a change.

Carry on, my friends, carry on!

Budget Rent A Car - Use caution

Two weekends ago, I needed to rent a car.  I searched the web for the best price and found that if I pre-paid with Budget Rent-A-Car, I would have a rate about 5 percent below Enterprise, which I usually use.  While the pick-up and drop-off locations were more convenient, I went with Budget.

I arrived at Budget about 30 minutes before the rental schedule and said I could wait until the rental visit.  The worker stated there was no issue, and I left with the car 15 minutes earlier than scheduled.  Again, he offered, and I said I could wait until the planned rental time.

I returned the car 90 minutes early the following day and gave it little thought.  When I looked at my credit card, I had a 70 percent increase in total charges.  I questioned this, and they responded as follows (quoted):

After reviewing our records carefully, we have determined that this happened in your case.  

When your rental circumstances changed and you returned sooner than 24 hours, 

a different rate (that accurately met your new rental parameters) was applied to your contract.  

We are sorry for any miscommunication or inconvenience.

Really, I returned a car early, and there was a 70 percent increase in the rental fee!  That is an idiotic way to run a business.  What would the fee have been if I had returned four hours early?  So, if you ever use Budget Rent-A-Car, please be careful; they find sneaky ways to add fees for doing something like returning a car 90 minutes before it is due.  I would hate to see what happened if I was two minutes late.

Carry on, my friends, Carry on.

What's been happening?

I tried to take a much-needed vacation last week.  So far this year, I have lost 7 vacation days, as I am an idiot and not using them.  I was looking forward to a bit of time off.  Work has calmed a little.   We have filled the open positions, and they are very high-quality individuals.  The female we hired 6 months ago is one of the best I have worked with, and it is a pleasure to have such skilled workers.

The vacation started out well, but it just kept getting worse.  The worst part was early in the trip.  I was within seconds of seeing a bicyclist get killed by an alcohol-impacted driver.  It was in the mountains near Golden, Colorado.  I felt sick as they worked on the innocent bicyclist for at least 15 minutes, and it only looked worse.  Read about it here.  

The axle of the car I was driving fell off within 10 miles of careening down a mountain with significant drop-offs.  If the axle had not held as long as it did, I would undoubtedly be at the bottom of some ravine and, I am sure, dead.

Toward the end of the trip, I had an enriching experience.  My son decided to ride his bicycle up Mount Evens (just south of Idaho Springs, Colorado).  It was a 14-mile ride with just under a mile ascent, ending above 14,000 feet.  I'm still determining how he did it, but seeing him score the goal was nice!

On that part of the trip, I was able to take some snapshots of some critters as well!

For some reason, I am growing more distant from those I care about most and closer to those I do not care for.  It is such an odd experience.  It is easier to hide the intense pain I am experiencing from those I do not know well.

Another downer is I recently found out a perfect friend has stage 4 colon cancer.  He had stomach pains for a while and even had his appendix out recently.  Then, this was discovered.  He is working hard to get the house ready to sell and make sure his wife is going to be OK after he passes.  Just heartbreaking to see such great people stricken with this grief and a short time to live.

Things must improve soon.  On Monday afternoon, I am going in for balloon sinuplasty.  While this is not as extensive as a few years ago, I hope this will help clear some of the issues I have had for years.  I will not need general anesthesia and hope to work the next day! 

I am sick of facial pain, nasal stuffiness, loss of smell, cough/congestion, bad breath, fatigue, and headaches.  The headaches have been worse for the past few weeks!  I rarely had headaches before 2009, but they have been regular since 2009, almost debilitating recently.

So wish me well on Monday afternoon.  May I get home safe and not have too many post-surgical issues.

Carry on, my friends, carry on...

Where is the man I used to be?

The man I once was, when I had no worries, has been gone for decades.  Slowly chipping away at the inner soul.  I'm sorry for being grumpy.  I'm sorry for not being much fun these days.  I'm sorry for not seeing the brighter side.  I'm sorry for rarely laughing.

Sometimes, after working more than 60 hours a week for years on end to make ends meet, to do the best I can, and to try to make sure everyone else is OK, it's hard to see the funny side, and it's hard to see things rationally.

I am not making excuses.  I don't want to make excuses.  But along with my apology, I want you all to know that this sleep-deprived, distracted, forgetful, impatient, and snappy man you now see before you isn't the man I thought I would be or want to be.

I wish I was still that man who smiled just because I could or because there was something inside that made me smile.  I wish I were still the man who did not work myself to death and found something I enjoy.  I wish I could work without the constant fear of consequences for a simple decision.  I wish I were still a man you laughed with like nothing else in the world mattered but my silly joke.  I wish I were still that man who had the confidence to believe in himself and simply accept that everything would work out.  I wish I were still that man with the energy, patience, and creativity to make life fun.  I wish I were still a man who was difficult to find fault with, unlike now when most people continually point out flaws in me!

Maybe, one day, I'll find him again.

But right now, I am lost.  I am lost in a job that pushes me to the limits and makes me feel like I am not doing enough.  Lost in a life that is sleep, work, sleep, work…  I recently looked at I have only had 9 days off this year.  That includes weekends and Holidays.  (There have been 4 holidays and 26 weekends, 52 days so far this year.)  So, of the 78 days, most people are off, I had 9…  I know it is my fault, but I am unsure what else to do!

Please continue to bear with me.  I don't know if I deserve that but just stay with me for a while.  In time, I hope the man we all liked is back.

Carry on, my friends, carry on!

From Eggs to Empty Nest

About six weeks ago, my girlfriend entered the house like a three-year-old who had just opened the best Christmas present ever. She was excited as Robin had built a nest in the waning flower basket on the front porch. Below is the life sequence.

It all started with Eggs on May 23.

May 26, where did the eggshells go?

June 5

June 9, 2015

June 13

RIP Grandma's Marathon 1984-2014 - for me anyway!

It is over!  There will be no 31^st consecutive Grandma's Marathon finish.  There are a few reasons for this decision.  

• First, the forecast is severe thunderstorms; at 52 years old, I do not need to spend 6 hours trying to finish a marathon in poor weather.  
• Second, I have had severe ankle pain since last fall and even spent time in physical therapy, which heeled me for a while.
• Lastly, my health.  As I had written on May 29, the Doctor discovered a bleeding ulcer.  While I have tried to gain an advantage and improve my health, I have yet to be successful.  I decided to have a follow-up before the race.   It was not good, and he advised heavily against the effort. 

Long-term fatigue has many causes, but now my hemoglobin is very low.  I still cringe when he uses the word anemia. Low hemoglobin may be a temporary problem remedied by eating more iron-rich foods or taking a multivitamin containing iron.  But in this case, it is more from the internal bleeding I am failing to control.  I blame my job for most of the stress.  I have never experienced job stress at a level like I have in the past six months.  I do not see it getting better.

So, for months, I have held on to the longest consistent part of my life, Grandma's Marathon.  Until a few hours ago, I would ignore the Doctor and do it anyway.  I want to go wrong, as the thought of not going is depressing.  Makes me want to ask, what else is there?  

All streaks need to end, but I feel empty right now.  I feel like my heart is ripped from my chest.  Maybe it is my heart that bleeds, not my stomach.  

Either way, my consecutive finishes at Grandma's Marathon are over.  RIP to the last consistent (30-year) part of my life.

Carry on, my friends, carry on!