Contact made

On November 20, I posted about letting go regarding my oldest and estranged son. As stated, he tends to reach out at odd hours after long periods, with “news”. The past two times, he said he had a new phone and had the wrong number.

He sent me an e-mail on December 5. It read:

So, a couple of things. I got a new phone and your old number must have stuck in my contacts but your new number did not. I've been messaging you but I think it's to your old one. Like a lot. I messaged you happy birthday and other things and the only reason I can think of is it's your old number.

What is your current number? 

Knowing I did not have a new number, since my phone number has remained the same since late 2021 after Jacob passed away. I thought he was using the same excuse again and was reaching out with “news” that might require some financial support. So I immediately replied the next day, saying:

Mmmmm. So you texted several times, including over three months ago, and you just thought of emailing now?  Sorry if that sounds wrong.

What number do you have? I have had only one for over three years, and we exchanged texts several times.

I am unsure what the news is, but I have had a recurring dream for the past 7 months. It is so strange and generally the same. He is dressed like Jean Valjean. He is the protagonist of Victor Hugo's 1862 novel Les Misérables. The story depicts the character's struggle to lead an everyday life and redeem himself after serving a 19-year-long prison sentence for stealing bread to feed his sister's starving children and attempting to escape from prison. He finds ailing Fanitine. He agrees to care for Fantine’s eight-year-old daughter, Cosette.

Why is that background important? In my recurring dream, my estranged son is dressed like Jean Valjean and is standing over me singing, “So dad, you see it’s true, I have a daughter just for you. Her name is Cossette!”

So it has been a week, and he has not replied. I am not sure he will, as it would show the only number he has is the only one I had for three years. I sent many messages for Christmas 2024, and he replied, “Let’s both make an effort to keep in touch more often. It’s something I want, and I hope you do too.” I wrote three more times and texted twice. He said, “I am busy and will get back to you!” Never heard from him again.

Maybe he will come clean and admit he ignored me. As stated, our last communication was last Christmas and he ghosted me, as he has throughout his life, unless he has “news”.

Carry on my friend, carry on!

Iron Frustration

Just over 8 years ago, I struggled daily with exhaustion, headaches, heart palpitations, and shortness of breath. I wasn't getting enough sleep and took magnesium supplements. From experience, I know that iron deficiency is associated with a poorer quality of life.

The body temporarily stores iron as a protein called ferritin. However, if iron stores become too low for an extended period, hemoglobin levels in red blood cells decrease, leading to anemia. Iron is a crucial part of hemoglobin, the protein in red blood cells that transports oxygen throughout the body. The mineral also plays a key role in various cellular functions, including energy production and the maintenance of healthy skin, hair, and nails.

My physician believes that iron deficiency is readily treatable with iron supplements. After the 2017 anemia diagnosis, I started taking iron tablets daily, but cut back to three times a week. I found it hard to cope with the side effects of stomach cramps, nausea, and constipation. The result is over 16 infusions since, most recently, in August.

As reported on November 27, my blood test shows:

Iron                 20 g/dL         57% of the lowest recommended level

Iron Saturation 6 percent         30% of the lowest recommended level

Hemoglobin         12.2 g/dL 90% of the lowest recommended level

Ferritin                 20 0 ng/ml 76% of the lowest recommended level

Due to insurance coverage, I cannot receive additional infusions until the insurance review is complete. I am scheduled for infusions on December 22. Since November 27, I have been focusing on taking oral iron, which causes constipation. Over the past 15 days, I have seen blood in the toilet, indicating I might be losing more iron than I am absorbing from the supplements. 

My condition has worsened, and I am sure my hemoglobin levels have dropped. Right now, I feel lethargic, irritable, have pale skin, severe shortness of breath, and have almost fainted a few times. Research shows that Ferritin levels below 25 ng/ml increase the risk of failure. I am being VERY careful! I even upgraded my Friday home flight to first class to minimize any issues. The frustration over iron-related issues is affecting my mental health. Low iron has also been linked to depression.

I have been in North Carolina for the past week, sitting with Lulu, my son’s and fiancée’s dog. Lulu is injured; therefore, this is not the usual visit with vigorous play. Most of the time is spent keeping her calm. I leave Friday and hope to maintain iron intake to help me until I receive the infusions.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

What comes around

I have to babysit the LuLu (the dog) this week, and she has a significant issue with her rear left leg. A nail is split, and she will not stop licking it, and it appears to get worse. I have a great fear that something out of my control may happen when they are gone, and that will only increase Jordan’s hostility toward me.

As a parent of an adult child, I often face unexpected challenges. Nobody tells you that being a parent doesn’t end just because my child is in his mid-30s. My role and relationship change, though, and it can be tempting to fall back into parent mode when he is disrespectful. The sting of his rudeness and criticism for everything. For example, I have to eat in another room because I chew too loudly with my mouth closed. This, combined with frustration and disappointment, is emotionally exhausting.

Dealing with a disrespectful adult child is tough, but it’s common. I look for ways to manage the complex dynamics that come with my child growing up. I often wonder if I am the only one dealing with this, since Shelley’s and Sheila’s children are also that disrespectful.

I looked for advice on how to handle a disrespectful adult child. I need to learn how to address and manage this rude behavior. Every time I spend more than a few days with him, I tend to fall into severe depression. I have worked so hard and given everything I had to raise him. I don't know how to set healthy boundaries to improve our communication.

Navigating the challenges of a disrespectful adult child is difficult. I am unsure if I have the strength left to continue. Building a healthier, more respectful relationship with your adult children requires consistency, patience, and a commitment to personal growth. I do not know if he will ever understand that I have the same right to be treated with respect as he does. He is plain rude and doesn't seem to care for me.

I struggle to set boundaries because I agree to whatever he needs, even if it disrupts my life. Then, if I don't do it exactly as he expects, he becomes very critical and mean. I feel overwhelmed trying to manage a disrespectful adult child. I guess I'll accept the punishment and see it as his way of getting back at me for not keeping the family united and providing the home he wanted.

I am getting really concerned about my Iron and blood loss. Taking oral iron means constipation, and then I get bright red poop. I can’t get the physician to understand that it may be due to oral iron supplementation, which increases blood loss. I am finding it more challenging to breathe, very fatigued, waking with a headache, and dizzy. I do not have these issues when my iron is up! I truly believe the heart failure issue is iron-related.

Carry on my friends, Carry on!

Leaving again!

 It is December 2025 already! I am almost two years into retirement. Time is moving FAST! I have been traveling more in the second year. In fact, I have been home only 10 days since September 10, and I left today for 12 days.

I had initially planned to go to North Carolina to watch my son’s dob from December 3 through the 27th, while he and his fiancée were in New Zealand. I had confided in her my iron issues and asked her not to inform Jordan. I was hoping they could adjust the schedule so I could get back on time for infusions. She and I had a schedule that worked, and I adjusted the infusions one week to return on the 22nd instead of the 27th of December.

They called me a few days after we made the arrangement and said they cancelled the plans, and I only need to watch the dog from December 8 through 12. So we adjusted the flight to be December 3 through the 12th. I was surprised, but they made the choice.

On Sunday, my son texted me about my Iron issues.  Looks like she did not keep it confidential as requested! He is so busy and, like me, tends to over-worry. Since there is nothing he can do, I was not going to mention it. We both know worry is a useless emotion, getting wrapped up in emotions for something we have no control over or impact on. Now I will worry that he is worrying! So stupid, but that is our genetics.

For a week now, I have been weighing myself daily upon waking and diligently tracking nutrition. It is odd, even though I have averaged 40 minutes a date working out, my weight fluctuated between 306 and 310 pounds. I have had emotional ups and downs with the scale.  Tomorrow will be the last day I step on the scale until I return from North Carolina.

My mom seems to be getting worse. I called her and asked if she wanted me to pick her up for Christmas shopping. She said she did not want to go out, so I stayed in. She called an hour later and asked where I was. I told her she had declined my offer to pick her up, and she said she thought I was coming. While she seems fine with her normal routine, I wonder when her level of care will increase. The longer we wait, the better.

After I return for the infusions, I head to Nashville for 10 days to watch Shelley’s four grandkids with her. The parents are going to Cabo. When I return, I look forward to a few weeks of recharge. There may be a chance I will fly to North Carolina for two weeks in late January and February to babysit the dog, but I will see what their schedules require.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Success and Iron

There was a report of increased auroral activity (Northern Lights).  I have tried several times but failed each time. This time, I went out knowing the camera could see the colors before the eye could.  As I looked for a vibrant sky, I used my phone to preview the areas.  It was odd that the sky was so different in so many ways, yet only a few miles apart. I drove around for a few hours and took more than 100 photos; only a dozen were high quality. A few of those are below.

Since my iron infusions in August, I’ve been struggling with sleep, severe stomach pain, and a general feeling of being unwell for several months. I had scheduled an appointment with a hematologist to better understand the anemia, but it was months away. I met with the Hematologist last week. He asked if I had any concerning symptoms. I let him know there are several anemia health issues I deal with daily, and it makes it very difficult to exercise. Therefore, the weight is stable and not decreasing. I have the following isses daily:

• Fatigue and weakness: Feeling unusually tired, even after rest. 
• Shortness of breath is common, and inhalers are ineffective. I feel winded with light activity.
• Dizziness or lightheadedness: Anemia can reduce blood flow to the brain, leading to these symptoms. Twice in the last three months, I went totally blank and passed out. Luckily, I did not break anything or walk down the stairs when it happened. 
• My feet are always very cold!
• Chest pain
• Frequent infections
• Irritability
• Cravings for ice

He completed another blood test, and the numbers were well below the recommended minimums. Consequently, after receiving six infusions this year, he scheduled three more. That’s unfortunate! Since 2021, my iron levels have consistently been low.

• Iron 
• Has not been above 30 g/dL 
• 85% OF THE LOWEST & 16% OF THE HIGHEST RECOMMENDED LEVEL
• Normal is 35 to 180 g/dL
• Last week, the level was 20 g/dL - 57% of the lowest recommended level
• Iron Saturation
• Has not been above 8 percent 
• 40% OF THE LOWEST & 14% OF THE HIGHEST RECOMMENDED LEVEL
• Normal is 20 to 55 percent
• Last week, it was 6 percent - 30% of the lowest recommended level
• Hemoglobin
• Has not exceeded 13 g/dL
• 96% OF THE LOWEST & 74% OF THE HIGHEST RECOMMENDED LEVEL
• 13.5 to 17.5 g/dL is normal
• Last week, the level was 12.2 g/dL - 90% of the lowest recommended level
• Ferritin
• Has not been above 20 ng/ml 
• 76% OF THE LOWEST & 19% OF THE HIGHEST RECOMMENDED LEVEL
• Normal is 26 to 388 ng/ml
• Last week, the level was 20 0 ng/ml - 76% of the lowest recommended level

The alarming numbers are concerning because I believed we had identified the cause of the anemia. However, we are back to square one. I am losing blood somewhere, but I can’t pinpoint the source. I suspect it’s the stomach, as it has been painful intermittently for the past few months. I’ve been following the diet, but there hasn’t been much change in the pattern.

Last week, I started using Chronometer diligently. After a week, I was surprised to find that I’m supposedly getting an average of 160% of the required iron from my diet. I was also surprised to see that I’m getting less than 40 percent of the suggested potassium and 80 percent of the recommended calcium. It will be interesting to see what a month of diligent use reveals.

I am really sick of this long-standing issue. I am pleased I retired at 6,1, as at this rate, not sure life will allow me to enjoy activities I prefer unless we get this anemia under control.

Carry on my friends, carry on!

Letting go

Over the course of my retirement, numerous events have transpired, some of which I have documented in writing, while others remain undisclosed. My absence from my residence has been significant, with a notable recent period spanning from September 9th to November 9th.

One life aspect that comes to mind more frequently during retirement is the significance of relationships. While my relationship with my youngest son remains stable, other relationships have consistently been strained. 

Although some may not be aware, I once served as the legal father of three children. I had adopted my daughter when I married my former spouse, but that adoption was annulled when she sought a divorce. Additionally, I have a son from my high school days. At birth, my father intervened and contested paternity. The trial concluded in a hung jury, and I never saw the child or his mother afterward, as she was getting married. She claimed that her soon-to-be husband was adopting him. Fast forward eight years, and I received a notice that his mother had been arrested and jailed. I was also informed that the adoption never took place.  

Getting acquainted - 1992

I proceeded to take parental responsibility. Unfortunately, his grades were very poor, and he was quite rebellious. While he stayed with his stepfather's parents, I pushed for visitation. When his mom was released, I went to introduce myself to him, and his mom pleaded that I let them be. I achieved seeing him for about 6 months on occasional weekends. After a few months, he said words that still haunt me today. He stated, “You are not a treat for me, jackass,” and left with his mom. I tried to provide discipline, teach respect, and instill the importance of education, but failed in that with the short time I had and his anger toward my efforts.

His mom again stated that they were following through with the adoption and requested that I stay out of their lives. I was finishing grad school and seeking employment, which led me to Peoria, Illinois, 1,100 miles away. So I lived my life and let them live there.

Five years later, I received orders from the State of North Dakota to pay child support. Her husband had left, and she had become reliant on welfare, which prompted the action. I was initially surprised to learn that he had been adopted a second time, which did not occur. I attempted to establish a relationship with him. Still, he was resistant to my fundamental beliefs that consistent effort in school and respect for others were essential for achieving what he desired, such as video games and money. Furthermore, I was approximately 1,100 miles away. Needless to say, that effort was short-lived before he instructed me to “get the hell away and never come back.”

After providing financial support and allowing the stepfather to raise him, I contemplated seeking custody to provide him with a stable environment. However, he cherished his sister and was apprehensive about separating them. I intervened and informed him that the surname he was using, his father’s, was not his legal name and had been changed to his birth name. This action made me an adversary to the rest of the family, perhaps a trait I have always possessed.

Several years later, he contacted me again, requesting $400 to purchase a pickup truck. I inquired about his academic performance and indicated that I would consider his request upon receiving the report card. Unfortunately, I did not receive the report card, and I had not heard from him until his graduation. I attended his graduation ceremony and was undoubtedly a third party in the situation. 

We tried to connect, but we were so far apart. He got a job at Valleyfair and was near me, but he had started smoking and other behaviors that resulted in my keeping a distance from my other two children. I was surprised to learn from others that he had been fired from Valley Fair and had returned to North Dakota. We always took five steps back with one step forward.

After several years, I received a call from him, informing me that he and his girlfriend had a baby boy who was gravely ill. They were residing in Minneapolis, and we arranged to meet for lunch. He explained that he was creating canvas advertisements for a billboard company. Despite his attempts to be respectful, his smoking habit persisted, which unfortunately did not last long. I invited him to maintain contact, but he provided only limited information.

I did not hear from him again until, almost a decade later (2015, I believe), he called me while I was out of town to inform me that he was getting married on Friday. I was aware of his first marriage, which I was never made aware of, and it ended in divorce in 2008. He called three days before the wedding, and unfortunately, I was unable to attend. I assume he was disappointed. I did manage to meet his wife and him for lunch during my visit to the NDSU football game, but I later learned they were getting a divorce.

I did see him one more time when my father was in the hospital. For the first time, he seemed to be stable. He had taken over his son's care and had a good position with a good company. He stated we should stay in contact. I would send him birthday and Christmas gifts; he would call to update me, and then nothing!

Then on July 5, 2021, I got a call from his mother that his son had passed away and the service would be on July 8. I was supposed to give a presentation in Chicago and attend a conference starting on the 8th. I quickly made changes and left to support him at the funeral. He seemed happy to see me, and the service was good. I had to fly out for the conference, so I said we should keep in contact. That did not happen.

I found out he was moving to Salem, Massachusetts, with his girlfriend in early 2023. He even drove through town for the move, but he didn’t mention the move, or he would be a few miles from my house! We could have had lunch together. It was a bit of a letdown that he didn’t try to reach out more. I kept sending him birthday and Christmas gifts, but I only heard from him when I asked a question, and then only half the time.

Then, in late spring 2024, I finally heard from him! He was getting married on July 18, 2024. I asked how long he had known the date, and he admitted he had forgotten to tell me. I was so committed, but I couldn’t make it! It was such a disappointment that he forgot to let me know about his wedding when he got engaged, didn’t tell me about my grandson’s passing, forgot to let me know he was moving, and so much more. 

I really wanted to get to know him for Christmas 2024, so I sent out several emails, put together some old photos and mementos from his childhood, and tried to get along with him. Even though I kept trying, I only got back a couple of replies—one email and one text. After he wrote, “Let’s both make an effort to keep in touch more often. It’s something I want, and I hope you do too”, I sent a few more emails and texts, but he just disappeared!

Regrettably, I concluded that my efforts were futile and ceased all communication. Consequently, I have refrained from sending him any gifts in 2025 and have allowed him to pursue his own life. If circumstances permit, I anticipate that he will contact me unexpectedly with significant news. How would I react after 30 years of being contacted only with substantial news or a financial need?

I do not intend to imply that I did everything correctly. I acknowledge that his mother has consistently provided support and that he prefers I allow him to be the primary source of information about life events. As parents, we are always expected to do our utmost. However, I can share my perspective on parenting. No one ever achieves perfection. I, for instance, did not. And now, for me, it may be too late. Nevertheless, I question whether I ever truly became a parent to him.

I hope that he is content with the decision not to maintain a relationship. It took me 30 years to come to terms with this realization. Life goes on, and we must live with our past decisions. They haunt me more as I age, but letting go is the healthiest option!

When I have difficult life events, I write songs.  It is an outlet, a way to express.  While drafting this post, I wrote the following lyrics about letting go.

The clock's hands are heavy

They drag through the air

Every tick, every tock 

Whispers life's not fair

My hope lost its shine

And the sun doesn’t care

[Chorus]

It’s time to let go

Let it all just slide

Time to let go 

Leave the pain outside

Time to let go 

Let the blues collide

The rain on my window

Sings a tired tune

My shadow’s been dancing

Each afternoon

But I’m done with this weight

In this hollow room

[Prechorus]

Release the chains

Break the strings

Break the ties

Let it go to the open skies

[Chorus]

It’s time to let go

Let it all just slide

Time to let go 

Leave the pain outside

Time to let go 

Let the blues collide

I’ve been holding on to ghosts that fade

Building walls from the mistakes I made

But tonight I’m building the barricade

[Chorus]

It’s time to let go

Let it all just slide

Time to let go 

Leave the pain outside

Time to let go 

Let the blues collide

Carry on, my friends, carry on!

Eve of 63

When I started this blog in 2007, I was 45 years old. The first post was about my unsuccessful attempt to run the Superior 100 Mile Ultra Marathon.  Since then, it seems like a lifetime, yet it's only been 18 years.  My son was 18, just starting College.  Now he is 36 and fully independent and successful.  He is now engaged.  

In those 18 years, I posted so many ups and downs about training, races, health, and life. It went by so fast, but looking back, I've accomplished a great deal in 18 years. The most significant realization is that my mom is now 82, and Shelley's dad is 85, and they are unable to live life without significant assistance. I may be 18 years from that stage of life.  I need to work hard to enjoy life before I reach that point. 

Makes me think of Shelley's Aunt, who is near that point and decided next spring she will start voluntarily stopping eating or drinking. (VSED). VSED is when a mentally capable individual decides to control their own dying by making a conscious decision to refuse food and fluids of any kind, including artificial nutrition and hydration, to advance the time of their death. While it is a natural way of dying, someone engaging in VSED needs and deserves caregiving and support for adequate symptom management, comfort care, and emotional support. She has asked Shelley to be that person.  This will be hard on Shelley, but she volunteered.  

When thinking about life, I recall a short story that explains it.  It goes like this:

• God created the dog and said, "Bark all day, and I'll give you a lifespan of 20 years". The dog replied, "That's too long! How about 10 years?" and God agreed 
• Next, God created the monkey and said, "Do tricks and make people laugh for 20 years". The monkey replied 10 years is enough. God agreed!
• Then God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer every day, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family for 60 years". The cow said, "How about 20, and I'll give back the other 40.  God agreed!
• Then God created man and said, "Eat, Marry, and enjoy your life for this, I'll give you 20 years," but man said only 20 years! Could you give me the 40 the cow gave back, 10 years the monkey gave back, and 10 the dog gave back? That makes 80! God said OK, you asked for it!
• So that is why, in our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years, we slave to support ourselves and our family. For the next 10 years, we will do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years, we sit on the front porch and bark.

So, I'm supposedly in the last 20 and doing monkey tricks for young children!

Then my grandfather Bill's advice:  Spend 30 years learning, 30 years applying your knowledge, and 30 years in retirement. He beat the odds, being just short of his 100th birthday. I am sure I will not make 90 years of age, but who knows? My iron deficiency anemia, which I have been fighting for 8 years, is not improving.  I continue to have health issues related to this, including early heart failure.  I will make the most of the time I have and enjoy it; that is all I can do

I will be spending my Birthday in North Carolina babysitting the granddog.  I will also spend it with he worst cold I have encountered in decades!  Very hard to sleep.  Breathing through the right nostril is impossible!  I hope it gets better, been six days now!

Grandpa Bill

Granddog Lulu

 

I have been on eight retirement trips now since I retired.  I have had the opportunity to take some memorable pictures, some of which are shown below.

Shelley's Grandchild hanging on! Rock City, NC attraction	Shelley's Grandchildren Ruby Falls, NC attraction

Blue Ridge Trip	Blue Ridge Parkway cabin
Field of Dreams, Iowa	Shelley's ankle - Post Surgery

 

So the positive for the day, I should make 63!  I have so many friends who do not have that privilege!

Carry on my friends, carry on!